"I just don't know how long I can hold onto hope."
YOu don't hold on to the idea of hope or have expectations. That's why you're having such a hard time.
"I am in weird place in that I feel that I may be close to having a breakthrough, but I also am having many thoughts of just giving up."
After 6 months? It's going to take more patience than that. If you don't have it, then you should file.
"It would be so helpful to me if I could have a better understanding of what my w is thinking."
You did read DR/DB right? It explains it all.
"It is this "come closer, no go away" kind of feeling my w seems to be projecting. It makes it very difficult to detach."
Why? Detachment has nothing to do with her. It's all you.
"I could hold on another 6 months but there are no guarantees."
So you were together for 7 years and don't know if you can handle being alone for a few months. If you really need and depend on someone to make you happy, then you should file and find someone else. This process is going to take awhile because it's not YOU it's your W trying to figure those things out. You are on her timeline not yours. If you can't handle giving up that control, then leave. Simple as that.
"If w was still acting as if she wants nothing to do with me, I probably would just move on. But instead she will draw me in and then take space again. Is anybody else in a situation where it feels like at any moment your wayward spouse may come around, but they just kind of stay in that place?"
They are all like that because they don't know what they want. You have to be understanding and compassionate to that if you don't want to break up your M.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"It is this "come closer, no go away" kind of feeling my w seems to be projecting. It makes it very difficult to detach."
Why? Detachment has nothing to do with her. It's all you
Maybe i am not totally understanding what detachment is, but when i have to respond or react to my wife's actions I find it difficult to not be emotionally involved. When w asks me to have drinks, what do I do? Am I available for her or not. How do I act? What about when she reaches out to me when she is feeling down. What do I do then?
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
I detached by looking at things from a business perspective. It is just a business deal.
I am saying to not respond when she reaches out. I am saying not to react emotionally. You can be available when SHE asks... Don't tell her ahead of time you are available.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
"Maybe i am not totally understanding what detachment is,"
Detachment is not letting the things she does affect you. Bottom line, how you react is all on you and not anything that she does. For example, if you got into a car accident, you have a choice. You can either fly off the handle and start reaming the other driver, OR you can shrug your shoulders, ask if people were hurt, and do it in a nice casual manner. It's all about choices.
"but when i have to respond"
You can respond by being impartial. Just say 'yes' or 'no'. You don't need to get your emotions involved. That's all on you.
"or react to my wife's actions"
That's the point. You don't nee to 'react'.
"I find it difficult to not be emotionally involved."
That's your problem. You can detach if you just start practicing it.
"When w asks me to have drinks, what do I do?"
You can tell her you have something to do or you can go. It's up to you.
"Am I available for her or not. How do I act?"
You are overthinking things and it's gotten you analysis paralysis. Just accept some invitations and not others. Think of how you would react if it was a work associate.
"What about when she reaches out to me when she is feeling down. What do I do then?"
Be compassionate but don't be a scapegoat. See all of these are good skills to learn in any relationship. If you do something that gets a positive reaction, do more of that. If you get a negative response, don't do it.
This is why I wonder if you had read DR sometimes.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I spent much of last night re-reading DR. There is a lot of great stuff in there that I am applying behind the scenes. My present situation mostly involves the LRT, the trail and error process, and assessing my results. Except when w and I met up 3 weeks ago in person, all of our interactions have been via text message. I am going to transcribe below our interactions Saturday through yesterday. I probably pursued too much, and I will now back off a bit.
Beginning Saturday morning:
Her: Good morning. Wanted to call u last night but very late. Meltdown from work overload. Needed to talk to someone who has been there with me & understands how to calm me down...
Me (half hour later): sorry to hear about your work (her name), Up in the cabin with kids, their friends, and (my parents names)) ... Kinda crazy. Quite a contrast from when you and I would come up here to your happy place. Let me know if you need to talk.. I can try and find a place where I have reception. Hang in there.
Me (late afternoon): you doing ok?
Her (half hour later): after a few drinks... much better...
Me (1.5 hours later): right there with you... Enjoy
Me (Sunday Afternoon): floated the river today. Good times. Good memories...
Me (Monday . Lunchtime): Touring (my old college town)
The first time w and I went to vacation home we stopped for lunch in my old college town. The place I wanted to take her to lunch was closed and we spent some time driving around looking for another place to eat. While doing this, I pointed out different places I used to go when in college. Since then she always teased me when we stopped their about giving her a tour rather than feeding her when she was hungry.
Her (two minutes later): my favorite city tour. Lol
Me (3 pm Monday): Home now. We should get together when you are in town.
We live in the same area, but her work takes her out of town a lot. We were supposed to get together last week (she pursued) but the timing and her work got in the way. One of the positive changes I am looking for is to spend more time with her in person.
It is difficult for me to asses positives and negatives and make adjustments from just my text messages. Since she wasn't too responsive after her initial message Saturday morning, I probably was too available to her (I pursued too much). In the past I had made a rule not to text her unless she texted me first, but that didn't necessarily seem to help. I am trying to think of some kind of 180 I can do that will lead to more contact from her, but I am at a loss here.
I won't contact her again until I hear from her.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Just a thought. Back in February when w dropped the bomb, she was having a work meltdown. She said that I wasn't giving her the support that she needed to deal with her work stress.
But this past Saturday she sends the following text: Her: Good morning. Wanted to call u last night but very late. Meltdown from work overload. Needed to talk to someone who has been there with me & understands how to calm me down...
Full conversation above... No contact since Monday.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Bug and Cas, thank you for this insight btw. I had not thought of it that way at all. My intent was to try to stay in constant contact (which is different from what I have done in the past). Just trying to do something new and observe what happens.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
