She said that she loves me, but love isn't enough, and at this point, she's not sure what she wants from our marriage. I asked her if a relationship with a spouse wasn't about unconditional love, what is it? Money? Sex? Companionship? You can get those from a job, prostitute, and dog.
Dunno. I guess I wait three weeks.
OMG, I spewed coffee on my screen when I read that. Did you actually say those words to her?
A relationship with a spouse is about all those things and more. That's why it's so difficult.
If she's questioning whether she wants in the marriage, give her space to do that. It seems from that statement above you were speaking from an emotional place, your own hurt maybe?
LA thanks for pointing that out.
I kind of like what he said
EXCEPT
that it makes the assumption that the marriage is the issue. The issue is within his wife and not something he can FIX. So while that truth dart may be true it will fall on deaf ears because it is not the issue. I totally agree that he needs to give her SPACE!
W has made some pretty dumb decisions over the last few weeks. Taken on a lot of debt, renting a place she can't afford (had to have her mom co-sign, and paid first three months rent on a credit card), hanging out with a bad crowd. She admits some of this now - but is still forging ahead with the rent/money stuff.
Now she says, 'I love you, I really do, but I'm not sure what I want from marriage, and I don't see anything I want.'
So, I'm still stuck at that crossroads. Do I want someone who really hasn't changed? As Mr. Bond said: "What 'actions' has SHE said she would do to try to set things right? Has she recommended C or did you bring it up? She has to be the one to initiate. Establish a timeline as to when you will be going to C, having dates, etc."
So far, it's been nothing except "I love you, but I'm not sure." This is difficult for me because it makes me believe that W is waiting for something to feel right, rather than making a conscious choice. So if I'm a nice guy for three weeks, then she'll feel like it? That means I have to be Mr. Perfect, then if she says, 'Yes', the slightest misstep will result in going back...
I did get an interesting viewpoint: I was described as being in a cycle with W. I'll get disgusted with something, so she'll start working really hard on doing better. I finally believe that she's trying, so I start to come around and finally jump in, but she's so burnt out from trying, that she quits. So I start the nice cycle while she's distant, and she starts to come around .... you get the idea.
Sorry guys - I didn't say the prostitute/dog part. I was making a point that if you want something like sex from a marriage, then you can get that from a prostitute, not a marriage. Conversely, if I wanted a house cleaner, I could hire a maid.
Sorry but to me it sounds like she's not sure what she wants but is leaning towards splitting, but it just stringing you along so she has a safety net.
That's exactly what my W did to me two years ago.
Looking back, honestly being separated for 12 months was the best thing we could have done. It really taught us a lot about ourselves and each other. Unfortunately maintaining two homes is quite expensive.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
@NTX_Dad - I have thought about this, but there is no cake-eating, especially from a financial perspective. I am giving her zero financial support now, and have told her I won't. Also, any debt she incurs will be paid off by her, not me, even if we reconcile and move back in together.
There is also no physical relationship, and the only thing I've really done to help her out is pick up our S5 when he was sick once. But that was fun; got to really hang out with my bubby for the first time in awhile! I only watch the kids maybe once every couple of weeks, and only while she's at work, so it's not even like I'm keeping them to give her a party life.
I would probably pay for a date if we went, so maybe she just wants a free date every now and then? Would seem like a pretty paltry reason to stay in a marriage.
I really think it's a battle between what she knows is right, and the immense amount of hard work. In the next three weeks, she is starting a new job and moving; so her excuse was there is a lot on her mind - so starting back into a relationship would be too much. I dunno.
Again, I hate to be negative, but it sounds like cake to me. Going out with bad people, making bad decisions, kissing someone. Or maybe she's still in the exploring stages with the good male friend you mentioned a few days ago, waiting to see how that pans out.
You said you aren't watching the kids, but wasn't it her friends that she was dumping them on..? Sorry maybe I am confusing your sitch with someone else.
I don't know the laws in Ohio but in Texas, unless the divorce has been filed in court and a temporary restraining order has been filed, then everything is still community debt/property. Even if credit is opened and used in just one name. I've seen it happen to a friend, sadly.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
@NTX_Dad: There is divorce and restraining order filed. We also did a dissolution on our own prepared where she would take everything in her name, so not as worried about. I could sign that right now, and walk away without a cent.
And actually W described her OWN decisions/actions as bad, it wasn't me; and she is changing them on her own. She only hangs out with one of the new group of friends now, and they are a pretty stable family. She also said as far the kissing incident, that she blocked the guy on Facebook (he tried to friend request her), blocked his number, and told their common friends she never wanted to see him again. She said she didn't even want to talk to him on the phone she was so disgusted and embarrassed. The disgust was pretty obvious on her face, it almost made me laugh.
Now, of course, that could all be complete lies. She WAS dumping on friends a bit, up until about a week ago, but now she's going to be completely on her own, so she'll have the kids 24/7. But she's considering coming back on her OWN - I actually agreed to the divorce/dissolution, and I already told her I wouldn't be helping her with anything financially; even if we decided to reconcile.
What it really appears to me is that it was someone that had a bit of a midlife crisis. She ditched her marriage, went to stay with her mom, starting hanging out with 25-year-olds down there, got three tattoos, started going out drinking, started with a whole new group of friends. That lasted about 6-8 weeks, and I think she figured out "Hey, this just drains the little money I have, and it [censored]."
Again, I dunno. I don't really see the opportunity for cake-eating which makes me believe it a bit more.
So the plot thickens I guess. I'm trying not to jump to conclusions. W doesn't really lie. I don't recall every catching her in a lie other than like a birthday part surprise. So I have a strong tendency to believe in her.
Monday, she came over crying saying she loved me, wanted to be married to me, she had been fighting against God, and asked if we could start dating, etc.
Tuesday, she still said she loved me, but now was thinking dissolution might still be best.
Wednesday - she had a working interview, and she desperately needs a job. S5 had a fever at school so I picked him up for her and watched him. (cake-eating?)
Thursday - I was going over to the house where she is staying to watch football with friends. We had been talking on the phone, and I said I'd just come early to talk in person, cause I like that better. W actually said "I love you" on that call.
I got there, and she was gone. I texted her, and she said she had gone to "drop off cupcakes at a party" and to Walmart and she'd be back in a bit. The lady where she is staying pulled me aside and told me she didn't think W was being truthful with me, and said W was still disappearing for awhile, leaving kids behind, etc. I left after awhile, kinda sick, and I guess she was gone for almost 3 hours. Later, I got a little passive-aggressive and congratulated her for being so good at fooling me, but apologized, and explained I was upset. Admitting it on here for the 2x4.
So, I don't know. What kind of person does what she did on Monday, says 'I love you', and then just goes and does weird stuff that looks like an affair? I immediately think cake-eating, but the only thing I've done in weeks is picking up S5 for a few hours on Wed. What other reason would you string someone along?
