I don't really believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater". I was mad. I have a dear friend that cheated on her husband one time, and it has haunted her, and she would never even LOOK at another man. I should have remembered her...
I guess it depends on personality and how capable the person is of introspection
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
W told me a couple days ago she had been hanging with a bad crowd, and making some stupid choices. Our mutual friend had invited us to a bonfire, and I suggested she come as well - they are fantastic friends, and love her dearly, and she's pretty much ignored them.
So she told me she was going to come. I pretty much flat out asked her what she expected so it wouldn't be awkward for everyone, and she just said, "Come talk to me".
We got there, and it was sure enough awkward! I just had a good time, and laughed a lot, and W was inside sitting on a bench seat, and she called me over to show me a video on her phone. She leaned way over with her body all pushed up against me to watch it. Not gonna lie, it was nice! Later on she was sitting, and I was standing by her, and she patted the seat by her, and said, "You can sit down.." I kept our four kids tonight, and it was great, lots of snuggling!
However, last night, I realized what I hadn't been able to see about W up to this point, and it's serious character flaw. She has generally good intentions, but if there is something she wants to do, she's going to do it. Regardless of who she hurts, who it impacts, repercussions; she'll do it, and not feel a bit bad about it later. She'll always have some justification; and in her mind, she is completely right, and has no reason to feel bad. If I'm hurt by it, well, I shouldn't be such a baby. This isn't just a bad habit, it's something that I don't know that can be fixed.
My W does the same thing with regards to doing what she wants. She demanded I marry her when we were 23 and now she demands a quick divorce and has been saying whatever she wants about me to others to justify what she is doing (telling people she is afraid I will hurt her, etc). She even stated to me at several points that she "doesn't want to compromise" in our relationship and she "wants what she wants". She would also accuse me of being too sensitive if she said rude or disrespectful things to me. I never got the sense she felt bad about her behavior, just bad that she got caught and I was upset.
She has moments where she knows her behavior is wrong. I think overall it is a character flaw and I don't know if it is one she can grow out of. I decided in my situation she will leave until she wants to come back. At that point I would want her to really prove her desire to change and I would not rush back into anything.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
Well. I'm pretty much without words at this point.
I had kind of reached a 'letting go' point. Genuinely was going to just give W a dissolution, and at least end things on a positive note from my point.
I kept our kids last night, and I texted her to let her know I was going to drop off. I dropped off, and had just gotten back when she called me and asked if she could come over. Seemed really weird. I sort of was expecting her to come clean about an affair or something.
She walked in, started bawling, and told me that she was just really messed up the last couple of weeks, and she loved me, and wanted to be in our marriage, but she was scared to death to commit for fear we'd end up doing the same things again. She said even when she was saying, "I'm done", God was saying to her, "Nope, you're not."
We ended up talking for about three hours, and decided to take things very slow. She is going to go ahead and take the one-year lease which will force us to spend a year working on things. She is open to dating, counseling, spending time with the kids - but taking breaks in between.
And I don't even know how to end this post, so that's all I got.
It's simple. Go slow. What 'actions' has SHE said she would do to try to set things right? Has she recommended C or did you bring it up?
She has to be the one to initiate. Establish a timeline as to when you will be going to C, having dates, etc.
There are other resources also like Project Happily Ever After and Joe Beam, and of course, DB counseling. Look them up but let her be the one to arrange these things. If she doesn't fulfill what she promises, then you walk.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Well, another day, another perspective. W still pretty much stands by what she said, but is still on the fence. I didn't really expect everything to be bubbles and sunshine, it's a long road.
She still is considering dismissing the divorce, but asked us to take three weeks to "fully commit". I expressed my concern that she was waiting for a feeling, rather than making a clear, non-emotional choice.
She said that she loves me, but love isn't enough, and at this point, she's not sure what she wants from our marriage. I asked her if a relationship with a spouse wasn't about unconditional love, what is it? Money? Sex? Companionship? You can get those from a job, prostitute, and dog.
HI Jon, what a sticky position... it seems as much as you want to be where you are, its not all that peachy...is it? On the fence seems like a cruel place to sit while they figure it out. Meanwhile, we wait in agony...hoping they choose us!
Please try to do as they say, continue with GAL, 180's (for you) and meanwhile find some patience... Let her make her moves!
fingers crossed she chooses YOU!!
good luck, Magic
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Jon, it sounds like your W is starting to come out of the fog. What you need to understand is that they don't just emerge and -poof- they're back to loving you and wanting to work on the M. She is at the beginning of a long, slow process that will have a lot of highs and lows. It sounds like she is not quite where she needs to be mentally and emotionally, so what you should do is CONTINUE what you've been doing. Make no effort to convince her to work on the M. Do not reach out to her. Do not sit around patiently waiting for her. Keep up your GAL efforts, keep your focus on you and the kids. Let her work through her demons. Let her do all the work. Like MrBond said, she has to be the one to initiate. Maintain your detachment. You've been doing a great job, just keep doing what you've been doing!
She said that she loves me, but love isn't enough, and at this point, she's not sure what she wants from our marriage. I asked her if a relationship with a spouse wasn't about unconditional love, what is it? Money? Sex? Companionship? You can get those from a job, prostitute, and dog.
Dunno. I guess I wait three weeks.
OMG, I spewed coffee on my screen when I read that. Did you actually say those words to her?
A relationship with a spouse is about all those things and more. That's why it's so difficult.
If she's questioning whether she wants in the marriage, give her space to do that. It seems from that statement above you were speaking from an emotional place, your own hurt maybe?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
