Not New to This Anymore

[steveh27]

Been doing better this week. Went out with friends for a little bit one night. Also played some golf with some other friends at a private course one of them belongs to. We hung out after and had some dinner and drinks. It's always nice to get out for most of the day and do something fun. Sure we talked about my situation as they are aware of it, but its still good to just go and do anything, even though golf is the most frustrating sport known to man.

W and I had a talk the other day. It got emotional and I started to walk away. She mentioned she can't even talk to me anymore because I just shutdown and walk away. I just looked at her with a "really?!?" expression on my face. I didn't say anything and I sat back down and said "I'm right here - go ahead". She started crying and mentioning that she's struggling really hard lately and that she went to the doctor and she is on AD's. I just listened and said a few things to try and validate (I'm getting better I think). She went on to say she is having a hard time and scared about getting a job, living on her own, finding a place to live etc., however she is not saying anything about struggling with her decision to end our M ... and I didn't ask. Although during the long conversation I did say something along the lines of - "you clearly don't want to be around me anymore, as you are always looking to get out of the house". Yes this was a bit of a pity statement and I slipped and an obvious mind reading mistake on my part. Although she said "that is not true - and you have no idea what I'm thinking or why I'm doing things."

She is absolutely right, I dont know what she is thinking and why she is doing certain things ... and she called me on it. As I mentioned above it's completely guessing and I need to stop. Although it would be easier if she actually told me, but that's not going to happen, at least right now or ever.

I believe some reality is setting in for her, and myself also for that matter, as I think a very small bit of the fog she is in may have dissipated.

I don't write as much anymore but I do try to when I have an event where I need some advice or clarity. I think from a PMA standpoint I'm much better than I was, but I still have a long road in front of me with many changes still yet to come.