Moving forward together from a mess

[cbtdad]

Thanks for that advice on validating UR!
I am trying to my best to continue to work on my patience. It is something I consciencely think about everyday. Things have been going very well for the most part. A couple of things have been extremely difficult, but they are getting better. The worse part about moving to where we moved to is there are reminders that trigger me all the time. Driving by a hotel I know she stayed at with OM. Going to a park a couple weeks ago where I know she was at horse show with him. I have to drive by a place a know they ate at almost everyday. It's gotten better, but it still pops up in my mind. W struggles with understanding why i still think about it since she says she is completely past it and its a part of her life she wishes she could just take out. She is very good about being able to bottle things up and move on. On the other hand i like to talk about my feelings and get things out. This is where we get in trouble a lot of the times. I know I just need to let it all be in the past, but I'm just not there.
The other thing I am still struggling having patience with is the lack of intimacy. I have always had a very strong sex drive, w not so much. But I am also not dumb to think it wasnt hot and heavy during her days with OM.
I know she had a lot bigger sex drive going on then because the few times I snooped on her laptop she had been looking at porn.
We have had sex once in 3 months since we started working on things. It really is hard because she just doesn't seem to want me to touch her. I mentioned in MC last week that I could not be in a sexless marriage and she just shrugged.
I am having a hard time with this and it's something I plan on bringing up again tomorrow in MC office. It's so hard because its not like I can "get her in the mood" since she doesn't like physical touch. So basically i just have to ask if she wants to have sex and everytime I'm rejected my self esteem gets shot and I begin to think whether she really wants this or not.
If she doesn't actively start trying to fix this I don't think I can make this work.
I know it will take time, but I just don't see her even trying

[lovethehub]

The worse part about moving to where we moved to is there are reminders that trigger me all the time. Driving by a hotel I know she stayed at with OM. Going to a park a couple weeks ago where I know she was at horse show with him. I have to drive by a place a know they ate at almost everyday. It's gotten better, but it still pops up in my mind. W struggles with understanding why i still think about it since she says she is completely past it and its a part of her life she wishes she could just take out. She is very good about being able to bottle things up and move on. On the other hand i like to talk about my feelings and get things out. This is where we get in trouble a lot of the times. I know I just need to let it all be in the past, but I'm just not there.

I know the feeling you mean. When my ex had an A, I had to drive by the OWs house every morning, knew places they had lunch, etc. and it was very hard to deal with. Visual triggers can be tough. That being said, also being the one who cheated in my current M, every time you bring these things up to your W, it most likely makes her feel that it will never go away. When my H would bring things up, I would feel hopeless all over again and think "why I am even bothering, he will never get over this" and kept a wedge between us for a long time. Who can you talk to about your triggers? You will have them but find someone other than your w to discuss it with, or journal.

We have had sex once in 3 months since we started working on things. It really is hard because she just doesn't seem to want me to touch her. I mentioned in MC last week that I could not be in a sexless marriage and she just shrugged.
I am having a hard time with this and it's something I plan on bringing up again tomorrow in MC office. It's so hard because its not like I can "get her in the mood" since she doesn't like physical touch. So basically i just have to ask if she wants to have sex and everytime I'm rejected my self esteem gets shot and I begin to think whether she really wants this or not.
If she doesn't actively start trying to fix this I don't think I can make this work.
I know it will take time, but I just don't see her even trying

Not sure if it was you that I mentioned this to before or not; I had NO desire to have sex with my H when we were first reconciling, sometimes I would but he could tell I didn't really want to. We started doing something I read in a book about affairs and it helped a lot - get a little item that you can put on each others night stand or dresser and when you put it on hers, she has 48 hours (or whatever you decide) to initiate sex. Then it is her turn to put it on yours (she can hang onto it as long as she wants though, no time limit!) and you initiate within 48 hours. This really worked well for both of us;he could initiate without being rejected and I felt like it took the pressure off of me to have sex with him. I started looking forward to seeing the heart and it really got our sex life back on track.

[TSquared2]

Thank you for this ^^^^^^ perspective "from the other side"...just what I needed to understand, be reminded of, again.


T^2

[cbtdad]

Thanks LTH! It is great to hear those points from your perspective. It's something that will be brought up today in MC. I'll report back with how that goes

[uRworthy]

C, I so get the triggers. I do. Here's the thing. Just as you want her to actively try to be intimate, she wants you to try to put the past behind you.

So, the way I see it, is that you have a choice here. You can continue to allow the affair to be part of your lives, and if you do, it may hinder her feeling comfortable being intimate, or you can begin to try to leave it in the past.

This is how I try to look at life. Everything that happens, every life event, contributes to who I am and to my life story.

You can try to see that her affair was something that happened and is part of her lifestory. While it was heartbreaking for you, it has brought you to where you are with your marriage.

What you need to try to do is see that it was a catalyst to address some things that were wrong in the marriage.

He is not important in the grand scheme of things. He doesnt matter, really.

What matters is where you are on your journey and where you want to see your journey go.

You can continue to think about the affair or you can let it go. Thats not to say you will ever forget. But, if you continue to hold onto it, you give it power. You give it life. When you let it go, it dies. It no longer has control.

When that happens, you get control. Take back your power, sweetie.

I dont know what the answer is regarding your w's lack of wanting intimacy. But if you want to give it the best shot you can, leave the affair behind. Build trust. Show compassion. Share things. Be positive.

When you do, the hope is that it opens her up to accept intimacy. If she thinks that you are thinking about him, it closes her off.

Hope this makes sense. Please say hi to your mom.

[makingmagic]

HI cbt... just wanted to pop in to say hi... I can see how piecing sure is tough too. Not all roses, like we hoped! Just wanted to offer my support. I only have ((hugs)) at this time.

Take care!

Just a suggestion: ever try to be spontaneous with a random unexpected location? this takes pressure off and adds an element of excitement. Be the exciting guy!!

[cbtdad]

That makes a lot of sense UR! It's what I can control. It's gotten better, but it still rears its ugly head occasionally.
The last couple of days I have steered clear of bringing up my thoughts to her about this. It is not healthy. It has to be in the past, just like who I was needs to be in the past as well. This is a new marriage.
Magic! I wish that would work. Not at this moment unfortunately.
I didn't get a chance to bring this up in MC today because we focused on our cycle of communication. It went really well. Hopefully we make some progress from here. To sum it up. Wife said to me in counseling that she doesn't want to open up to me because its never a enough. I want to continue talking and get as much out of her as I can. I do this because she rarely opens up about her feelings so I keep pushing for more. Wife then says if I dropped stuff then maybe she would open up more, to which I said if I drop things then will you continue conversation at another time? She said she believes so.
We shall see, but it was definitely a breakthrough of us both understanding the communication problems

[cbtdad]

Ok! So the shuttle launched again tonight! Haha
2 problems though. I was breathing really hard and out of breath. And because of that I started to compare myself to OM. Weird I know, but I was self conscience of how hard I was breathing and I could tell it was effecting W.
so of course I started wondering. I mean even during sex she said I need to quit smoking. We both smoke. This is it. I felt like why would W want to have sex with man he is breathing so hard that he is almost out of breath.
So that's it. As of tonight I am quitting smoking! If I don't have a cigarette between now and Friday night than the reward will be sex! I'm using the fact that I want a better sex life with wife I motivate me to quit once and for all.
My 4 year old is starting to notice as well. It's time!
Any tips from former smokers out there?

[AnotherStander]

CBT, glad to hear things are going well, I'm very jealous of your timeline Good idea on quitting smoking, it'll benefit you for so many reasons. Regarding being out of breath in bed, in addition to quitting smoking get out and exercise! Walk, jog, treadmill, lift weights, swim, whatever suits your fancy. Before you know it you'll be a stallion in the sheets Also change things up in bed, if you feel yourself getting winded then (with a sly look on your face) roll over and pull her on top Or just take a break for some pillow talk.

[cbtdad]

Thanks AS! I've been doing about 20-25 minutes on treadmill, today I went 45 minutes and could of kept going. About 2.5 miles and wasnt breathing hard at all.
It's been 3 days and I can tell a difference. Today was the worst as far as cravings so far.