Lifestyle changes

[figgeroni]

filling in people who don't need to know about what you BELIEVE are your wife's wrongs seems spiteful and vengeful

why did the elders at the church need to know anything?

what she did does NOT involve them and did not until YOU involved them

how she determines to live her life is her business and not yours...it is not your moral call to make

to involve other people is petty and small minded

[MrBond]

"There is so much in these posts that I disagree with."

That's fine. All we're showing you is the other POV. Getting advice from professionals, friends, etc. are fine. But here you have a body of people who have actually had to go through all this just like you have. We all have gone through the same emotions you have.

And even if you don't realize it, there is alot of anger, hurt and resentment that comes across in your posts and a certain degree of wanting to punish your W. You can disagree, as is your right.

I think we all see the same things we did, in you. Heck, I was in denial that I was "angry" and it was 25yrsmlc and Sandi who would keep telling me that I was. Then a switch went on and I understood what they were talking about. Once you understand all that, you'll be able to understand your W better and know how to handle things with her. And there are those other professionals I mentioned that you could check out. But no one is forcing you to believe anything. All we've been suggesting is that MAYBE your thinking isn't entirely correct and sometimes it takes an outside source to see it because you're too attached.

You can argue with us all you want, but it won't help your relationship with your W. And unfortunately your kids are the ones who are going to have to deal with the fallout. If you can't show forgiveness towards her, it'll be hard for your kids to do it themselves.

Good luck to you.

[MrBond]

One thing to point out that sums up your reactions...

"I just can't, because I think your perceptions of my situation are wrong."

See, you can't tell someone that THEIR perception of you is wrong. Perception depends on the individual based on their past experiences and interactions with you. You see yourself one way, others have a right to perceive you in another way. You can't tell people they are wrong and you're right. There are only matters of opinion. As an example, someone could say you're a tightwad when you don't think you are. That person has a right to believe what they want even if you don't agree. That doesn't mean that you punish that person for their opinion.

The thing is that sometimes it seems that you treat the board members how you treat your W. You disagree and come up with reasons why you're right and we're wrong. There is no right or wrong answer. Only opinions. And even if you disagree with something that is posted, hopefully it gets you to think. And that's the beauty of this website. It creates a dialogue with people who genuinely care for you and your situation.

[Lanzo]

And even if you disagree with something that is posted, hopefully it gets you to think. And that's the beauty of this website. It creates a dialogue with people who genuinely care for you and your situation.

Probably the most reasoned comment in the last few posts.

Lanzo

[RockJC]

//Who don't need to know//
I felt they needed to know. Without knowing, how could they exercise their authority? I asked my W to respect my wishes but she told me to pound sand. I was left with 3 choices:

1) Ignore the issue
2) Extract myself (leave my own church and not go camping)
3) Talk to someone in authority and ask them to enforce a boundary.

I chose #3. This is not vindictive or spiteful. I spent most of my marriage doing #1. It doesn't work. Problems don't get solved. Issues just fester and create bigger conflicts.

The feedback I am getting from this site is that I would be the "Bigger man" if I chose #1, or #2. I just don't get that.

[MrBond]

"I asked my W to respect my wishes but she told me to pound sand. I was left with 3 choices:

1) Ignore the issue
2) Extract myself (leave my own church and not go camping)
3) Talk to someone in authority and ask them to enforce a boundary."

There actually is a 4th choice.

1) Ignore the issue
You don't "ignore" the issue, you just don't acknowledge it.

2) Extract myself (leave my own church and not go camping)
You don't "extract" yourself, I mean you shouldn't have to leave your own church.

3) Talk to someone in authority and ask them to enforce a boundary."
This is the part many people are at odds with. It's YOUR boundary not so much the church's. And it is something you didn't have to do.

The 4th choice would have been to just co-exist with your W at the same church. Period. You would treat her the same way as you would another person in the congregation that you didn't know. That's what detachment is all about.

But what's done is done and there's no sense trying to justify your decision.

[whatisis]

Yes, it may have been better to discuss with her how you will both co-exist in the same church. Co-operation and problem solving is not the same as "ignore the issue". It would be approaching the issue in an adult fashion...well, an ideal adult fashion anyway Demanding she leave the church isn't likely to get a favourable response. But, as Mr. Bond has said, the past is in the past. You must move forward. We all make choices, right or wrong, and we must live with the outcomes.

[RockJC]

I did not "Demand she leave the church". I asked that she not go to church with my kids and another man while we are still married.

What kind of mixed message does this send my kids? What does it say about the teachings of the church? The respect for leadership? How am I supposed to feel? It is completely unacceptable.

You cannot co-operate with someone who is completely insensitive to your feelings and could care less about how their actions affect you. When dealing with a person like that, you need to establish firm boundaries.

There is no difference between "Co-exist" and "Ignore". They are the exact same. I am not trying to "Justify" it. I believe %100 that it was the right decision and that the advice being offered on this particular subject is just terrible advice.

If put in the same situation, I would do this again.

[MrBond]

"There is no difference between "Co-exist" and "Ignore". They are the exact same.'

Yes there is. But again, what's done is done.

"that the advice being offered on this particular subject is just terrible advice."

Again, advice is just that. Another person's opinion. You may not agree but you have no right to say that someone else's advice is "terrible" and you're right. You can disagree, but it doesn't make the other person's opinion any less valid than yours.

I think that's the part you don't entirely understand. You made a decision. You felt that it was the right thing to do. Period. No sense beating a non-issue.

[MrBond]

Incidentally, I was just sharing what I did to save my M and 25yrsmlc saved hers. I wouldn't have done what you did, but we respect your right to making that choice. No one questions that.