H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Trip went well. Just on a bit of a downhill on the rollercoaster at the moment, feeling quite mad and angry with the W. Just part of the process, I know. Had a great party, no W talk which was good. But like a lot of other sitch's, it is so hard to see other couples (especially ones you know that have issues) together. Good to see and chat with a lot of people I haven't seen for a few years (due to being in the country) and how amazing it is to get back up to speed. Father's Day, oldest son rang and wished for a good day. He is with girlfriend a few hours drive away, but had a card and pressie for me with the other son. My youngest son rang and we met up for a few hours. We chatted about lots of things, and even better, I got the impression that our relationship had moved up a step or two. He was simply a lot more attentive, talkative and interested. I told him that I will spend some time with him during the coming holidays, but also mentioned I am going away for a few days. He was a bit shocked about that, didn't ask with who, but it was discussed the location. I told him the main reason was because it is very hard to stay with the my mother for the entire holidays. He accepted that reason. He did mention that the W still hasn't told them what she is doing and he added she will probably leave it to the last minute again. So totally opposite of what she would normally have done. Previously she would have started counting done weeks before. I also got the feeling that the youngest son is starting to feel a bit annoyed about her actions/lack of actions. Mindreading I know, but still got that feeling. Just not going to focus on it. The night before at the party, I found a possible job prospect for him, which really cheered him up. Have followed that through and he has now met the company and handed in his resume. Fingers crossed. Also at the time of saying good bye, his exhaust on the car was hanging off, so we had to do quick repairs in the car park. What a fun way to spend Father's Day, I really enjoyed that. The youngest son also gave me a guitar strap, with "Iron Maiden" on it. That is so cool, that he gave me something that is needed and also remembers my fav band. At the finish my son did tell me that I was defriended by the people because of the tattoo picture. So at least I know the reason now. It doesn't change anything, I still feel if they had the decency they would speak to me. My oldest son last night, texted and facebooked his 21st birthday he has organised in share with his friend. So booked flights to once again fly back to the city in November for that. That will probably be a hard one, as family/friends will be there, and it will be the first time literally since BD that we are together. Not going to let that ruin my son's night. Still awaiting the reply from the solicitor, they were given two weeks to reply to me, so far 7 weeks is up. In a way I am anxious for it, another way I wonder why the hold up (then I start to mindread). Only 15 days till my transfer request is advised. Also on another note, I spoke to another union rep and asked if they would be in the next meeting with the boss (if a meeting happens). I really feel I might have to have some backup, just in case. Trying to be as positive as possible still.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
The rollercoaster ride is about: whether I should continue being dark? Is it working? What is it trying to achieve? My detachment? Well not really, maybe I need some help on trying to detach better. I don't think of her as much as I did, but the sitch is still on my mind more than I want it to be. I don't know whether to spend the money and speak to DB coach again. I know it is mindreading, but it is still such a worrying subject about whether my lack of contact is making her think it is over. I also continue to then disagree with myself and think that maybe, she is in a relationship with the female friend (as per her changes to all other things) and simply accept that reason. So whatever I do (if an affair) it will not change the sitch. I am simply trying to improve my PMA, just hit a crossroad, again, about which way to go.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
We all get to that point in the sitch where we start to question whether going dark or DBing is the right thing to do. I wish I had the answer to that one! I've still got our sitch on my mind, but I try and put it to the back of my mind, unsuccessfully at times! I think about what H is up to less and less when he is not here. I don't think of him sat at his place on his own anymore watching TV and being miserable, lol. Well that was more wishful thinking! lol. Personally you've come this far and to stop going dark now may be a step backwards. I suppose going from going dark to DBing or following Sandi's rules may work, but still keep up the NC. I often wonder if this is making them pull away even more, but then the whole reason for detaching is for you and you alone. By being more independent and GALing, they will see the difference the next time you meet and they might think that now you are the spouse only a fool would leave. This is what we are aiming for Glad you had a good weekend and a great Father's day with your sons I know what you mean about your W not making plans about the hols, I've been trying to pin my H down to make plans about when I'm at college and my son isn't. It's been a nightmare so far! My son is a bit fed up about this as well, he said the other day that it was a lot easier when his dad was around and I had to agree with that. My son can't cope with changes in routine very well and at the mo everything is up in the air! My college timetable has already been changed twice and I don't know if my son's timetable is going to be change again or not! I've got the day off tomorrow and my son said "At least tomorrow is a normal day" lol.
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Just checked my ipad, and it has been 48 days since any contact with the W. The last time was the talk about changing mortgages and when she needed a hug. So just some thoughts??????? Sometimes I wonder if the going dark is the best thing? If she isn't in a relationship and there is no need to see/talk to each other, then what is being achieved? I simply wonder if my lack of contact is just allowing her to feel she has made the right choice. I wonder if some contact helps. Put simply: if she isn't in a relationship with anyone, it would be presumed (based on other sitchs) that she would start to contact me. If she is in a relationship, then what she is doing is normal. As Michelle's book says, if it doesn't work, try another way. I keep thinking back to this and wonder if I should be trying another way?
I do still understand that this is about me, to better me. But at this stage, surely most of us still have the hope for our marriage? While the thinking about the W isn't as much as the early days, the thoughts are still there. Am I going in the right direction or not?
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
I know the 48hr rule: but I so want to send her a message "I miss you so much". I have to be realistic here, I am struggling. I am struggling with the facade, the pretending that the whole sitch doesn't matter. The pretending to be happy and carefree, when I am hurting so much inside. I am doing the best I can for me, with what I have to work with, it just simply isn't enough. Maybe it is simply just one of those days, I don't know anymore. Maybe I need medical help? It really is the unknown that caused the separation that is doing me in. The looking back at our history and thinking was it my behaviour? My attitude that did this? Or was it simply this friend that came along and helped her make the choice? I think it would be so much easier to know she is in a relationship and not knowing. Because all of this going on, the no contact from her etc, just doesn't seem to fall into the normal pattern (if there is such a thing as normal). Revision: * She has never had discussions that our relationship is that bad to warrant walking away. * She has not mentioned anything about our relationship to anyone leading up to the separation * When the friend arrived on the scene about 4 months prior to BD, actions were similar to a person having an affair (hidden texts, constant phone calls, visiting outside normal hours). * Everything seemed to be planned: when to move out, where to move, letting the right people know (work wise), organising the solicitor, new email, changing addresses. Organised rather than sudden. * Friend seems to be part of everyday life: visiting family during holidays, everywhere together, even the sake of getting a new puppy. * Nothing sounds or acts like someone who has left a 23 year marriage, suddenly (in my mind). * Normally emotions play a big part in the WAS (?), who is not in an affair. It would be expected that they seek counsel, talk to family and friends and maybe worry about doing the right or wrong thing. Nothing here: no talking to family, no anything. * Seems to make an effort to not see me. When at shops she turns and walks off. * On the few occasions we talk, she doesn't seem to be in control of what she really wants/needs. She seems to be lost.
I suppose what I need is to hear whether I am on the right track? Should I continue to focus on staying dark? Do I seek help? Even though I have spent a fortune on counselor services already. Am I just in this stage, until I move onto the next better stage? Do I try something different? If so, what?
I am truly trying to stay PMA. I am still GALing. I am still showing a positive attitude, as much as possible. Just dying inside.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
What made you think that going dark was the best thing to do?
Through the DB coach, we tried different things. Small text messages weekly with a simple positive note (have a good day), then texts with a history reminder as well. Moved onto asking for a coffee or walk. Very little reply or interest shown. Did not want to go for a walk or coffee. Meetings have only been when she wanted them and always to do with getting an answer (solicitor etc). Should I look at trying again Mr Bond? I am open to any ideas.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
