We’ve been married 3 years , living together 6 years & we have known each other as firstly colleagues, then friends, lovers & finally married for over 20 years. She left an abusive marriage to her first husband to be with me.
I have spent the last 2 years focusing far too much on my work, 14 hours a day, 5.5 days a week & any downtime was spent either watching football or the odd pint with my son or checking on my mother. I didn’t try to make my marriage work, didn’t spend any time with my wife & let her down completely. Due to me snoring & my wife being a light sleeper I have slept in the spare room for a long time, hence no sex. I let my marriage drift away.
I started having suspicions that she was having an affair about 10 weeks ago & after confronting my wife 9 weeks ago she admitted `meeting someone for drinks’. I immediately made a `knee-kerk’ decision & left the marital home & have lived in a bedsit ever since. We met a week after the initial meeting, I told her I wanted a divorce (I didn’t) & we had a heated row. In a phone conversation a week later she said she wanted time to think & she would not make a decision until she returned from a weeks holiday abroad (returned 4 weeks ago).
On the Saturday before she went away she told me that she had not made a decision yet & was still thinking, yet, that evening her S16 (who had been away) txted me to tell me goodbye, he was sorry it was all over & I had no chance of ever getting back with her. These words must have come from her as he would not make it up. Then on the Sunday I was informed (by relatives) that she had introduced her son to new partner…..before she went on holiday. When I txted her about these events she neither denied or confirmed them. So despite telling me she was thinking about things it seems wheels were really rolling.
Then she went on holiday (I had paid for the holiday previously & made sure she had plenty of spending money by dropping an envelope through her front door,even though we had separated), numerous txts from me nice, good, nasty, desparate, loving, apologetic, everything I could think of. She only replied to the nasty ones apart from the odd text saying she was listening to one of `our songs’ with lots of kisses! So many mixed messages so my minds in turmoil.
To cut to the chase, we are now 2 months since I left, I have collected all my clothes etc (these were left in the shed so that we did not see each other) In numerous texts I confirmed again how much I want to prove to her I can make it work, in the replies she said, `why didn’t you do something about it until it was too late’, `I did not want to do it but I had no choice’, `why would it have been different if we’d got back together ?’, & more often than not `I’m not sure you can change, you’ve said that before’ . I know I read too much into any slight meaning in a text, even if there isn’t one there! Even 3 days ago she sent a txt saying `listening to that xxxx track’, this just sends me into a false hope situation again! New partner is with her most weekends & it seems its all over.
Should I continue to plead with her, should I try & keep quiet, even though I find it impossible. I have not texted unless she has texted me first for a week now, last text was a couple of days ago when she asked if I’d had a nice weekend, I sent a courteous reply. The only times we have spoken recently was 2 calls last week, one was 30 mins long but no pleading or desperation from me just confirmation that I can change. I am beginning to understand the need to detach but that goes against all my feelings & the fact that it just seems to be re-confirming that I don’t care (WS has always had insecurity issues – we have been in touch daily for nearly 20 years). I messed up so badly & love her so dearly, sorry if I sound desperate but I know I created the problem by not giving her my time. Its true you never know what you’ve lost until its not there anymore.
Thanks for listening
Me 50 W 46 Stepson 16 Together 6yr, Married 3yr Known each other 20yr ILYBNILWY Jul 13 Found out about affair Jul 13 Left Marital home Jul 13
Hiya Blue. Sorry you are here but you will find some amazing people wanting to help.
You on on moderation which means your threads wont show up in real time. It will take a couple of days. Keep posting on your own thread (stick to one) and on others' threads. The more you post, the quicker you will be off moderation.
Cadet will be along for a proper welcome and some reading assignments.
Did you read Divorce Remedy? It is important that you do.
No pleading, no begging, no trying to convince her you'll change. Look up Sandi's rules. Read them several times.
The most important things for you to do now is to take care of yourself. Eat, exercise, sleep and pray if you are so inclined.
And you will be hearing a lot about detaching. You need to detach from your wife's actions and words so that they do not influence your actions and words.
All of what your wife has said, most of us have heard. We call it script around here.
She needs to feel heard. That is why you should not call her or text her. If she calls you, be brief and upbeat. Try to end the call first.
Absolutely no relationship talks. That will come much later.
This is a tough ride, but, you will get through it. You will be ok.
So, Blue, get to reading DR. Poke around in other threads. And strap yourself in.
just gone 4 days without contact, then received a txt this morning saying `enjoy your weekend x'. Just receeving a text every few days is so difficult, we are 40 miles apart & have no children between us so no need for day to day contact. Ordered DB & DR, sooner they arrive the better. Booked a holiday for next week, just need to get away for a few days.
Just copied below the texts WAW sent last week, these stopped 4 days ago when I started to go quiet, it seems she has too until this mornings txt. All my replies were courteous but tried to point out I am changing.
`Why are you now bothered that you are not part of the family, it’s a real shame you didnt listen to me when I asked you to go to the doctor as this situation would not be occurring now. You seem to be analyzing every word I say. Just because I said he would eventually move over here does not say he will be moving in, at least I don’t think it does, if you are such a changed person then it wont be long before you charm somebody else into your life. I hope that you will learn from our time together & hopefully offer support & love to that person & make them your number 1 priority, at least that will be more than I ever was, I was just the nag in your eyes. ‘
`All I ever wanted was to be loved so yes I do have the right to say that, & yes I do have the right to get upset occasionally xxx’
`Do you honestly think this is what I wanted to happen x’
‘****** track 4 is so poignant, listen to the lyrics, you were once like that & yes it does upset me x’
`I did & do love you what I cannot get my head around is that if I had not done what I did you would not have changed & would be happy to carry on the way you were x’
`I did not want it to happen, believe me, I thought I’d married you for life, but you changed & pushed me away no matter what I did you got further away & showed a I don’t care attitude, I hope you are changing & its not a 2 month wonder but you have to understand how hard it is for me to believe as I’ve had 2 years of not knowing if I was married x’
`Its hard to see how you won’t slip back into your old ways x’
Thanks for any feedback
Me 50 W 46 Stepson 16 Together 6yr, Married 3yr Known each other 20yr ILYBNILWY Jul 13 Found out about affair Jul 13 Left Marital home Jul 13
just gone 4 days without contact, then received a txt this morning saying `enjoy your weekend x'. Just receeving a text every few days is so difficult, we are 40 miles apart & have no children between us so no need for day to day contact. Ordered DB & DR, sooner they arrive the better. Booked a holiday for next week, just need to get away for a few days.
Just copied below the texts WAW sent last week, these stopped 4 days ago when I started to go quiet, it seems she has too until this mornings txt. All my replies were courteous but tried to point out I am changing.
`Why are you now bothered that you are not part of the family, it’s a real shame you didnt listen to me when I asked you to go to the doctor as this situation would not be occurring now. You seem to be analyzing every word I say. Just because I said he would eventually move over here does not say he will be moving in, at least I don’t think it does, if you are such a changed person then it wont be long before you charm somebody else into your life. I hope that you will learn from our time together & hopefully offer support & love to that person & make them your number 1 priority, at least that will be more than I ever was, I was just the nag in your eyes. ‘
`All I ever wanted was to be loved so yes I do have the right to say that, & yes I do have the right to get upset occasionally xxx’
`Do you honestly think this is what I wanted to happen x’
‘****** track 4 is so poignant, listen to the lyrics, you were once like that & yes it does upset me x’
`I did & do love you what I cannot get my head around is that if I had not done what I did you would not have changed & would be happy to carry on the way you were x’
`I did not want it to happen, believe me, I thought I’d married you for life, but you changed & pushed me away no matter what I did you got further away & showed a I don’t care attitude, I hope you are changing & its not a 2 month wonder but you have to understand how hard it is for me to believe as I’ve had 2 years of not knowing if I was married x’
`Its hard to see how you won’t slip back into your old ways x’
Thanks for any feedback
Me 50 W 46 Stepson 16 Together 6yr, Married 3yr Known each other 20yr ILYBNILWY Jul 13 Found out about affair Jul 13 Left Marital home Jul 13
Having a lot of trouble detaching, it's just so alien now, seems like I'm repeating my previous behaviour that led to me losing her. Am I not just reinforcing her opinion that I just don't care? Haven't chased for a couple of weeks, texts from her have slowed to one a week & only 1 meaningful phone call since this began. But I'll try to stick it out as it seems the only other option I have is to chase again
Me 50 W 46 Stepson 16 Together 6yr, Married 3yr Known each other 20yr ILYBNILWY Jul 13 Found out about affair Jul 13 Left Marital home Jul 13
`All I ever wanted was to be loved so yes I do have the right to say that, & yes I do have the right to get upset occasionally xxx’
`Do you honestly think this is what I wanted to happen x’
‘****** track 4 is so poignant, listen to the lyrics, you were once like that & yes it does upset me x’
`I did & do love you what I cannot get my head around is that if I had not done what I did you would not have changed & would be happy to carry on the way you were x’
`I did not want it to happen, believe me, I thought I’d married you for life, but you changed & pushed me away no matter what I did you got further away & showed a I don’t care attitude, I hope you are changing & its not a 2 month wonder but you have to understand how hard it is for me to believe as I’ve had 2 years of not knowing if I was married x’
`Its hard to see how you won’t slip back into your old ways x’
Thanks for any feedback
STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY!!!! Read Sandi2's 37 Rules. No R or M talks. Keep convos light and fluffy. Have you read DR? If not, do so right away. Do not say or do anything towards your W until you read it. Good luck!
Sorry to jump in, but what's with all of the texting?! I text with my wife too, don't get me wrong, but the majority of our interactions, and ALL of our sensitive conversations were and are IN PERSON. I would guess that this is just another contributor to your lack of intimacy together. There are a lot of folks out there in a "virtual marriage" - don't make that mistake again if you recover.
I agree with the others above- stop pursuing her. You are literally speeding her exit without knowing it. Slow down, use your head, not your emotions, to guide you. There has to be something for her to want to come back to, and a long track record of a poor marriage combined with your current interactions are nothing anyone would by looking to return to.
