Peace I feel your pain as this is what happened to me, although H claims there isn't an OW involved. Hope you get your head around this new sitch soon and yes definitely stop doing his laundry and cooking
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Thanks, Trying. But I didn't find your previous post you mentioned. No, I didn't do any detective work on him. I just accidently found out the places where he went. He lied to the kids about where to go and what to do during the trip and hid everything for the trip, and he also mentioned he still love his old girl friend and one day he might to to visit her. That's the place. Also he texted all the time with some person and didn't want me and our friends know. I feel his mind is being away from me and our kids further and further. If I don't confront him, he will lie to kids more and more in the future.
M 18 yrs 5 & 7 yrs old kids H DB in 4/2013 H moved out in 11/2013
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Don't ask him not to leave, but don't push him out either. Give him space, act as if and try a 180. EXERCISE, the endorphins will help your attitude, allow for you to release negative feelings...Having him there is still good for the kids, and you can model the behavior which is appropriate and healthy.
I agree! My BD was Feb 14, 2013 (one of many but H was truly done) and I did the usual stuff (crying, begging, etc) for a couple of weeks and then found DB/DR. GAL, detaching and moving ahead with my own life made all of the difference. I didn't bring up our M or R once, I quit asking H to do things for me, I was gone with the children a lot, I never called him and only texted if he needed to know something about kids. After a month or two, I was truly detached because I knew this was my only option. Doing these things helped me to look at my part in our M, instead of what H did. It was very eye opening and helped me to begin working on me, becoming a better version of myself. We began R in late May and, I know there are no guarantees, but I feel that we have finally moved on to a place where we can do this and keep our M together and happy. This would not have happened if I didn't follow MWD, and the advice from this site.
As hard as it is, you must get to the point where you worry about you and the children and start building a life for yourself that doesn't include H. Ironically, it is your best chance of having a life that does include him.
Quote:
I felt so painful when my two little kids (5 and 7 yrs old) kept asking where is daddy and when he can come back home. I took the kids to park and musuem. But when they saw other kids with their daddy, they were so upset. My older one even cried at night since daddy was not home. This really broke my heart.
Your children are most likely picking up on some of your emotion and stress. If H goes away again, just tell your children 'Dad went away with some friends' and don't act upset about it. People do go away w/o their children so this does not have to be a big deal to the kids. I understand it is to you, and watching your H lie to them kids can't be easy; however, explain to them it's okay for dad to go away sometimes because adults need to do things sometimes, too (or however you want to say it.)
Quote:
I realized I may have done too much house work for him. Right now I am still doing cooking and laundry for him, and most of time I took care of the kids... I should let him share the same responsiblities too if we still live under the same roof as roomates...
Do you work? I was home FT and H worked so I didn't quit doing his laundry or taking care of the house and cooking. It is up to you. If you are working, I can understand sharing and you should be doing that anyway. If not, the choice is yours but be sure you don't come across as bitter, vengeful or petty.
Quote:
BTW, when I talked to him, I really cannot smile :-(
You have to! Moping, showing him you are upset, making him feel guilty will only push him further away. Let him wonder why you are so happy, and he will wonder because he has 'left you' so he will expect you to be sad and upset. Do the opposite.
I truly believed, that by using what I learned here and in the books,and changing what I realized I needed to change that my M would be saved - that made it a lot easier to smile at H when I didn't want to.
Quote:
I thought if I make a change, then everything will be fine. But he always excused that the change has been too late, he is not in love me for so many year. I was being too naive.
Right now he probably does feel that it is too late, esp if he has brought these things up before. He has to see true, lasting changes before he will reconsider this.
Deep breath, you can do this.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Hi All, thanks a lot for your advices. Yes, you're right. I cannot stop what he wants to do even the affair with OW. His lie really upset me.
Lovethehub, I feel better after reading your posts. I shouldn't let my emotion and stress affect my kids.
180, thank you again for sharing your experience. I almost made the same mistake as you did. I was debating if I should tell my SIL or MIL about our current situation because they knew nothing yet. I was naively hoping they will help stop his affair and ask him to think more about our kids and family. But now I know I shouldn't hold that kind of expectation from them. Finally they'll stand for him not me. Yes, I've decided not to tell his family unless he does it first.
We're still planing to do some decoration for our house. He also asked for my opinion. But my friend warned me not to take it as a good sign. If divorce, I will not afford to live there.
M 18 yrs 5 & 7 yrs old kids H DB in 4/2013 H moved out in 11/2013
Hi Peace I'm glad that you've decided not to confront H about his affair, it's only you guessing anyway based on the evidence you've required I'm also glad that my sitch has helped you decide not to pursue this I wouldn't start thinking about "what ifs" such as Divorce. Don't dwell on D unless something happens. I'd still let him decorate and do it how you want to do it. I don't know why your friend has warned you this is not a good sign. Has she been through a break up herself? IMO, Friends that talk negatively like that should be taken with a pinch of salt. Pretend you agree with her, but don't listen to any negative things she has to say. You're trying to keep up your PMA and this won't do you any good at all! Hang around with more positive friends that will support you in whatever you decide to do I would take professional advice here about your decorating as it obviously bothers you. Do you see an IC or a DB coach? Hope life is not too difficult for you at the mo
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
180, thanks for your reply. What my friend meant is even my H wants to decorate the ouse, but still he may want D some day later. because he cannot afford the house by himself.
I haven't see DB coach yet. We did marriage counselor once, but H didn't want to go again since he claimed he said everything already and nothing can change his mind...
M 18 yrs 5 & 7 yrs old kids H DB in 4/2013 H moved out in 11/2013
