Me: What do you think I should have done? Bring all his presents to (W's town) and open them in the street? I didn't know if I was even welcome in your house. Or bring them and take them back with me or bring them and then leave them at yours so I don't get to see them have fun with them? I did the best with what I had. You have all day tomorrow, Thursday afternoon, all day Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday to to do whatever you want with S3. I have the day off specifically to see S3 and I would like to see him and he would want to see me.
Not sure if it would have been enough.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
There is some great advise in this thread that will help me in my situation. You are doing a admirable job with the details & how you express your feelings.
Good stuff. You are one strong dude!
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
Can you give a quick recap of your recent time line? Didn't you go from being on the verge of beginning to piece to now being "done" in a matter of a couple of weeks?
-PM
It's all in my last two threads.
She didn't have the patience and was asked out by OM2. He was giving her the attention that I wasn't ready to and that's that.
She wasn't ready.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Me: What do you think I should have done? Bring all his presents to (W's town) and open them in the street? I didn't know if I was even welcome in your house. Or bring them and take them back with me or bring them and then leave them at yours so I don't get to see them have fun with them? I did the best with what I had. You have all day tomorrow, Thursday afternoon, all day Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday to to do whatever you want with S3. I have the day off specifically to see S3 and I would like to see him and he would want to see me.
T, I understand you're angry, but you have got to break this cycle. This convo went south because of your actions, not your W's. I think if you're completely honest with yourself you will admit that you held a secret party for your S specifically so you could throw it in your W's face later. And you did, and it made her angry, and you feigned righteous indignation at her anger. You have got to lose the anger, it is just causing more and more damage. Even if your M is dead you are going to be coparents for the rest of your lives. Do you want to keep exchanging these silly little barbs with each other, or do you want to foster a coparenting relationship that BENEFITS your children?
I remember after my W moved out that I assumed she would want to hold Christmas with the kids separately. I started making plans, then it dawned on me that I was ASSUMING I knew what my W wanted, and that assuming is something I had done throughout the M and rarely been right about. So I did something really crazy and different- I called her and asked her what she wanted to do. Much to my surprise she wanted to meet at my house Christmas day to exchange gifts. It is exactly what the kids needed at that time, it was the right thing to do for them.
It doesn't matter how much pain you try to inflict upon your W, you will never even the score for the pain you're feeling. It will not make you feel better. If you convert your pain into anger then it never goes away. Process the pain and lose the anger, it's the only way to heal.
Me: What do you think I should have done? Bring all his presents to (W's town) and open them in the street? I didn't know if I was even welcome in your house. Or bring them and take them back with me or bring them and then leave them at yours so I don't get to see them have fun with them? I did the best with what I had. You have all day tomorrow, Thursday afternoon, all day Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday to to do whatever you want with S3. I have the day off specifically to see S3 and I would like to see him and he would want to see me.
T, I understand you're angry, but you have got to break this cycle. This convo went south because of your actions, not your W's. I think if you're completely honest with yourself you will admit that you held a secret party for your S specifically so you could throw it in your W's face later. And you did, and it made her angry, and you feigned righteous indignation at her anger. You have got to lose the anger, it is just causing more and more damage. Even if your M is dead you are going to be coparents for the rest of your lives. Do you want to keep exchanging these silly little barbs with each other, or do you want to foster a coparenting relationship that BENEFITS your children?
I remember after my W moved out that I assumed she would want to hold Christmas with the kids separately. I started making plans, then it dawned on me that I was ASSUMING I knew what my W wanted, and that assuming is something I had done throughout the M and rarely been right about. So I did something really crazy and different- I called her and asked her what she wanted to do. Much to my surprise she wanted to meet at my house Christmas day to exchange gifts. It is exactly what the kids needed at that time, it was the right thing to do for them.
It doesn't matter how much pain you try to inflict upon your W, you will never even the score for the pain you're feeling. It will not make you feel better. If you convert your pain into anger then it never goes away. Process the pain and lose the anger, it's the only way to heal.
The conversation went south like it normally does because she thinks it should all be her way and gets angry when it isn't. My rant was a bit much but it was the truth of where I stood. I didn't throw anything in her face, I told her I had already given him his presents which I did and for good reasons.
Yes I have been angry at her about the lying and OM and calling me a c*nt but I'm not out to hurt her. At the same I wasn't in the slightest bit interested in what she wanted either.
I knew she wouldn't like it but I didn't do it for that reason I did it because as per the rant (which is actually an edited down version). I didn't see any other options to me at the time. Even if i asked her it wouldn't take much for her to change her mind. She changed it twice during that conversation.
When exactly do I give S3 his gifts? On his birthday even though I have no idea if I'm going to see him plus the fact that half of them will be built and kept at my house, the weekend after his birthday W has them so it was either the weekend before or two weeks after. When are my side of the family supposed to celebrate S3's birthday? When he isn't here? I don't know what W knows, I haven't told her about the party and I put no pictures on the FB.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
The conversation went south like it normally does because she thinks it should all be her way and gets angry when it isn't.
So, you think you're right and she's wrong then? How's that working out for you? There's a phrase that gets repeated around here sometimes, I think it's in DR as well- "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happily married?" T, I think you're the only one here that's convinced you're right. I've read your text exchanges with your W very closely, and I don't see you being right and your W being wrong, I see two people bickering at each other. It only takes one to break the cycle, and it ain't gonna be your W.
I wouldn't say I'm right but I don't think my actions are wrong either.
I do think she wants it all her own way and I'm not going oblige with that just because she wants it.
I would love to know how I deal with W and not get walked all over, still include her opinion and not disagree.
If no one is convinced I'm right then I would love to hear some ideas on what I should have done that would have ended up with something worthwhile between S3 and I.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
We all want it our way but as we mature we figure out that's not doable and that other people have needs that may be different from our own. So we learn to negotiate and compromise. That's what people in loving, committed R do (hey, I'm just getting this part down myself).
Remember the drama triangle I mentioned before? You and your W sprint around that about 10 times in every conversation.
You've heard this many times from me and others: Someone has to be the first to stop.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I agree with what your saying labug. Sometimes though if you don't stand up for yourself you don't get anything.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
