Harder and Harder......Part three

[Positivespin]

A ruby has led me to the alt site. Ive left my head in the sand so long that I dont know what to do to make it pretty and add content- so im learning and one of these days itll actually be interesting.......

Ive actually gained weight over the weekend. Sooooo much good food and it rained all weekend so I was unable to do 90% of what I wanted. I was forced to slow down.

D3.5 kept asking me "what are we going to do now Daddy" and I didnt know and it didnt bother me. Yes I felt some guilt for blowing off a day but if I did it....I needed it.

What im working on now is I keep playing out an interaction with my wife in my head where she again, blames me for everything....only this time I dont hold back and I spew my verbal venom. Alot of "how dare you's" etc. I recognize that this is not good- my kettle is boiling over- its why im trying to sort this out in case a piecing opportunity ever appear's.

Inside I feel like I want to punish her for doing what she did to us. She asked me to invite, and I did invite, the man she was having the a with over to the house for Christmas......I was a sucker looking back, but I trusted my wife.

I thought I was able to forgive but its tough. and if the opportunity ever presents itself for "R" I want to be well practiced and not feed off of emotion.

Has something happened to make me think differently about my current sitch? Why am I dwelling on this stuff?

Nothing has happened to make me think she will be back any more then I did 2 months ago but Ive learned to trust my gut and if my gut is telling me to resolve this issue in my mind- resolve i will.

Im also realizing that another stressor in my life is my current job. Been here 8 years, no growth and too many burnt out co-workers. Again, the plan was to head overseas with my family. Now, im stuck with a relatively high paying job in a rural area. I want to make a change in this facet of my life but am dealing with the fact that to start something new now, with so many variables, is undesirable- so professional life is "needs to improve"

Summer is all over up here. Its dark again when I wake up and the nights are in the low 50's. Im afraid the house isnt going this year which makes everything complicated.