sandi, I've read a bunch of your posts, so I'm grateful that you've weighed in for me too. I hesitate to reply, because the answers are long. Sorry. You of course don’t need to read this whole saga.
Me: Turn 50 this month. First 10-year M ended badly, D final 2000. Two girls, 18 & 21 with EW.
She: 42. 1st marriage. M 2001, together 1999. S born 2004.
Our M deteriorated over time. Here’s the gist of major contributing factors:
Began with intense emotional and physical romance. It was love.
Strain and stress began early on after marriage. Top factor was I was still in emotional crisis, desperate to preserve good relationship with my 2 girls, against a vindictive EW who couldn’t put her kids needs above her own and did many things consistently to undermine my time and attachment with my girls. So my new wife lived with a depressed guy whose focus was elsewhere. I ignored her a lot, and always put the kids first. She also hates being pressured or forced to do anything. She did help me realize some years ago, but after much damage, that I was always pressuring/forcing her to do more as a “family.” And when she didn’t do what I wanted/expected, I now see that my inner child would come out, being needy and petulant. (Wow, it’s therapeutic just putting this in writing.) At the same time, I couldn’t see it because in other parts of me i saw a very good person –attentive father, do vast majority of domestic work and many traditional mothering roles, never stopped trying to express my love/desire for loving marriage, work hard, help others…but a caretaker, people pleaser, rescuer.
For her part, she too was not prepared for these circumstances. She’s not a communicator. I’m hard pressed to think of an occasion where she initiated a discussion about our relationship. And whenever we did try to talk, it quickly went badly. She'd withdraw, act passively bitter, while trying to hold everything in until she exploded in some days/weeks/months/even years depending on the event with extreme anger, gaslighting. (At lighter moments we can joke about “the beast” that lurks inside and her short fuse, not just with me but anyone.) She can also be a constant knit-picker and hyper critical. I could never seem to do anything right. Everything was my fault it seemed. A wrong word or suggestion, seemingly inoffensive or commonplace, could set her off. She grew up in poverty in Brazil with an extremely dysfunctional family situation. She survived terrible emotional, and some physical(non-sexual) abuse from her mother, father, siblings, and aunt who she was sent away to live with. She was the outsider who was crucified for not participating in, and eventually leaving, the dysfunction. She grew up without love, empathy, support or affection. Everybody’s problems – and EVERY problem -- was someone else’s fault.
But we were and remain drawn to each other. To heal one another might be a reasonable, standard conclusion. But there was/is something more. Can’t speak for her, but I deeply admire her strength and independence. She got scared off, but we did have a deep, unique emotional bond and attachment. Can’t put it into words, but an intense attraction to the beauty inside. (My unhealthy rescuer element was always forcing her to show it more, and in the awful circumstances above that made it impossible. That said, we also endured all these years because of fincial circumstances.
Almost all of the circumstances and behaviors I describe above are gone now. Through lots of personal work and IC, I have addressed my neediness and dependency. In her own private, internal way, I’ve seen a lot of changes in her too since last December. She’s trying, though she still doesn’t talk to me about her issues/struggles. Though after yet another big blow-up with one of her sisters over the weekend, she asked me to help her find and IC! Never in a million years would I have guessed she’d be willing to take this kind of personal responsibility.
I initiated the convo in Dec about “needing to decide if were going to work or divorce,” where she revealed EA. My emotional side had all the angry responses. But my rational mind understood how this could happen given our estrangement. It must have been nice for someone to make her feel interesting and special again. I’d be a hypocrite to say I’d not carry on a flirting conversation with a woman in these circumstances.
So she has a "secret phone" and his business card. I told her last June that she needed to figure out the EA. What did I expect?? Would I be happier if she was using her family plan phone that I pay for and seeing all the calls? Of course not. She said, "let me do this in my own way." Maybe she didn't want to expose me to it. The phone could be a tiny act of, albeit hurtful, compassion.
I’ve been reading about EA/PEAs and hope and trust that she’ll come out of the fog and back to reality with determination to see if we can save our M. Feels to me like that's the current direction. But I'm starting to internalize and embrace the "as if." My 50's WILL be happy years, with or without her. Though I don't pretend any direction will be easy.
