I haven't updated in awhile... have had a lot going on that has little to do with my marriage. Getting d18 ready for college, went back east for a couple weeks with d15. H and I have had a distancing since July which has been good. We continued with MC until a few weeks ago when I postponed any further involvement with me. The focus of the MC for the first couple months was all about helping H reconnect with dds. We did transition to dealing with our marriage issues. But H doesn't want to commit, praises my changes but repeats that he doesn't see how to get back those feelings. And he is drowning himself with work, so it's an easy distraction. I've basically dropped the rope, as they say. At our last MC appt 3 weeks ago, I questioned if I was standing in the way of H doing his own personal work in therapy. H has admitted many times that I've changed so much but he hasn't at all. He says he's the same man that left over a year ago now. So the therapist made a couple appts with him, then said we could continue together later in September or not, depending on H's decision.
I have no regrets about the MC, and am proud to have been of service in helping him improve his relationships with dds. Everyone is still walking on eggshells, but the foundation has been laid. But I'm ready to move on and I made it clear I don't want to be 'cool exes'. We've gotten into this familiar, sibling-like relationship where we communicate better and have family time - but it's been clear to me for awhile that I don't want a friendship with H outside of our marriage so I'm trying to distance myself further.
Until... a friend told me of the Retrouvaille workshop being held this weekend in our area. I wasn't going to say anything about it to H because we seem to be so far off that path. In some ways we're much better, trust is starting to build again after another bump in July, he's moved down to our area (lives across the street from my work of all places!), he's been very supportive in asking how I'm doing every 1-2 days because I revealed in MC that his silence over the past year makes it seems like he didn't care at all. But there seems no intention of wanting to try to build a new relationship with me. But I brought up the Retrouvaille as a hail Mary and asked if he would consider going. He agreed almost immediately and said 'best to leave no stone unturned'. Funniest thing of all was, after reading the website in front of me, he said 'looks like at least we'll get some good communication skills out of this. I thought we were going to get that with MC, but not so much.' I just replied 'well, we spent a majority of the time on your relationship with girls'. But that was BECAUSE he said he didn't want to work on our R! Truthfully, this feels like another thing for H to get through so he can be done. I know that's mind reading, but the whole MC experience and basically forcing him to go on his own & now retrov, I can see the 'can we be done yet?? look in his eyes.
The reason I'm putting this out here today is because I had a bit of a revelation I'd really like some opinions on. My H works too much. Far too much. Last month after learning about my grandma's stroke and leaving to take care of her, I was emotionally charged and started a fight about his working too much. I said that it wasn't worth it, he's losing everything, he has a lot of 1099 income and he won't have kids to write off for much longer, it's not even financially worth it because he's going to have to pay so much in taxes without our house to write off - I said about his extra work - 'it's a dead limb! Cut it off!'.
He was cool, but when we had the discussion about Retrouvaille this weekend he brought up the argument and said that he'll never be in a relationship again where he can't do what he wants to do. He's proud he can work and provide for 2 households and pay for our dds to go to college. I've realized and read that men equate their worth to their earning power, and MC said H needs to heal from 'shame and poor self image'. So the money he earns, for now, makes him feel good about himself. And, for my part, I understand that H's LL is acts of service and I never gave him enough credit for wanting to care for us... but as a sustainable way to live life and have fulfilling relationships? I'm having a hard time reconciling the two.
Most importantly, I've understood recently that the working to much was a SYMPTOM of the problem, but not the problem itself. The problem were the feelings of neglect and being unappreciated, that were a result of his schedule, but if he were at all engaged in our family when he was around things would have looked different. And if I had appreciated having him around when he was, that would have been different too.
It also crossed my mind, that any relationship I am in with a different man will probably have an ex and kids to support - and will have to work to support the situation. What I thought was a deal breaker for me is turning into a reality check.
How have others lived with this situation? There's a lot of work left to do in my own head and the pressure of Retrov this weekend is making me rethink everything. About Retrov, H has already given me the 'no guarantees of outcome, okay?' text, so the pressure is all my own. I've been so focused on NOT having our old relationship, but building a new one. And I envisioned a different work schedule as part of that new relationship. But what I am seeing H being able to offer, at this time, is a whole lot of the same. And I can't decide if it's what I want anymore.
