I've been seeing a counselor about it. I go again tomorrow night.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
She felt like I was controlling a lot. During the first few days of her leaving me and telling me she didn't want to talk to me I pursued her, sent a bunch of messages, called her up repeatedly, made inquiries as to whether she was with another man, and drove around trying to find her.
After I found DB I stopped pursuing, spoke to a DB counselor who told me to give her the divorce she wanted, and I've been not contacting her other than to discuss the divorce.
Because of this she has become more amiable with me, but not warm. She called me last week Wednesday to tell me that she wanted to say we've been "separated" for purposes of the divorce since last year. She said she could use this date because that was when she started betraying me by talking about me to my family and hanging out with her ex-boyfriend secretly. I could tell she was still hurt about me having referred to her as a cheater and she was throwing it in my face that I had got upset with her about it. I told her in that conversation I did have some anger issues, and that no matter what happened I would never swear at her again (some of our bad fights devolved into name calling). She then told me that I never loved her, we never had anything in common, and she wanted her next mate to have a bunch of qualities that sounded contradictory and impossible.
That night I was feeling nostalgic and I texted her some song lyrics to Train in the Distance, and she said "is that about us?" Then I woke up that night and texted her telling her a story from early in our marriage and when she didn't get I meant it as a joke she didn't like it and told me I was "pissing her off". I then told her to lighten up since I was giving her the divorce she wanted.
We then got into an argument via text briefly (no name-calling but I did tell her that her family was dysfunctional when she told me that I came from a single parent home) and she said I wasn't really changing like I said I was and then I dropped it and said sorry for bringing it up. There was more I wanted to say to her but I held my tongue.
I haven't communicated with her since then other than to tell her that she sent me too much money via bank transfer, to which she said "thx." I also gave her the passwords to a few email accounts she used to have (I was holding onto them since she had my stuff) and she blocked me from Facebook.
I've basically just been trying really hard to detach and not have expectations of her and be polite when I do talk to her about things related to the divorce. I haven't been spying on her or following her. I don't feel the need to correct her version of events anymore, which makes it easier to let go. I also am able to think about the fact she's been lying to me for a long time and hanging out with ex-boyfriends secretly and that makes it easier to detach too instead of obsessing on what I did. She has been polite with me, also. I guess the real test will be down the road if she ever wants to get back in touch with me.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
BTW, the story I told her on the phone early that morning was that we had been on our honeymoon and a gypsy had hit me up for money. I had refused to give her any and she then started saying something in Italian. I told my wife as a joke that she had probably cursed out marriage and that was what went wrong. She had said "You're protected if you're Christian" (she didn't get it was a joke I guess) and I said "I don't know...I'm scared." At that point she said I was pissing her off.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
BTW, the story I told her on the phone early that morning was that we had been on our honeymoon and a gypsy had hit me up for money. I had refused to give her any and she then started saying something in Italian. I told my wife as a joke that she had probably cursed out marriage and that was what went wrong. She had said "You're protected if you're Christian" (she didn't get it was a joke I guess) and I said "I don't know...I'm scared." At that point she said I was pissing her off.
You said you stopped contacting her except to discuss the divorce, but then tell stories of how you contact her about things other than the divorce. You aren't getting it! STOP!
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Yes. So STOP initiating contact by texting and calling her - that's you being needy and unattractive. Act like this situation doesn't affect you in any way at all. You are calm, cool, and collected at all times, and SHE'S the one missing out on YOU. You are an emotional rock.
-PM
Maybe you missed this^ because there's a moderation delay on my posts and this one was at the bottom of page 1. Stop contacting her! You are doing yourself a disservice and irritating your W.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I've stopped I promise! I didn't contact her since last week other than D-related things. I didn't even tell her I moved everything out of the apartment!
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
I feel like in the week and a half since she told me she wants a D that I've made a lot of progress toward detaching, mostly by keeping busy. Today she texted me to say that our old dining room table that she took with her to sell and was going to split profits with me was damaged when her brother didn't put it inside and it got rained on.
All I replied was "send me pics of the damage please."
Then she texted me to tell me that she thought she might be able to fix it using an ironing trick she found on pinterest.
I didn't reply. Seemed like she gave a lot more information than I needed and why is she giving me updates? It actually threw me off somewhat to have her texting me as if we're friends.
I am going to continue not to talk to her other than minimal replies. When the D paperwork comes this week I am not going to discuss it with her if everything looks ok. I am just going to have my lawyer look at it, and if it checks out I am going to sign and mail it to her and go on my merry way.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
So as an update I have only been communicating with her about D-related things since last week Wednesday. Last night she texts me out of the blue asking if I had told all of my family that I was abusive, had anger problems, and that she never emotionally cheated on me.
I didn't respond.
A week ago when she had called me to talk and to pick a date for the divorce I had been trying to validate her and told her that the behavior I had exhibited toward her with breaking her stuff when I found out about the affair was angry and abusive, and when she kept insisting that she never cheated on me, I really was trying to listen and validate her.
So now she's turned this thing around to where she hasn't done anything wrong and this is all my fault. I feel like she is trying to justify leaving me and is looking for me to give her permission to divorce me so she can move forward and say to people "look, it's not my fault, he even told me it was his fault and he was abusive and I never cheated on him."
I feel like there isn't a good response I can give. If I give in to her revision of history that would be bad for me and would allow her to believe that her EA wasn't an issue, and if I disagree with her and explain why she will start saying that I am making her feel bad again and that is also bad for me. She pulled this last week when I was trying to explain where I was coming from and she said that I was making her feel bad and she couldn't take it.
She just called me this morning and I let it ring.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
