Help! I'm so hopeless and devastated...

[RosaLinda]

Hi Peace! I read your question on DMR's thread and dropped by here to respond to it. 

Peace "My husband wants only be friend to me. I feel that he uses friendship as an excuse to avoid letting me know anything about him. He claimed he needs more space and privacy. Though I suspect he may have an emotional affair with OW since he was busy chatting online all the time and tried to hide. But I really don't know how to deal with it. I asked him before, he said that's not your business. And I feel I push him away further..."

My H gave me the "I love you but..." bomb back in Jan 2010, and has had a couple of online emotional affairs with women in foreign countries, and one physical affair when his current EA OW flew to New York for two weeks this past March to try to solidify her place in his life. We have lived in the same house for the entire 4 years, but he moved into our S27's old bedroom in 2011. So our sitches are sort of similar. 

Having a MLCer in the house is HARD! I'm sure having them walk away is just as hard in a different way. I want to share what my DB coach Chuck advised for me as a LBS who hasn't been left, in the hopes it will help you too Peace.

Chuck advised to give my H lots of time and space alone. He said the MLCer needs to think. He said NOT to approach him, but when he approaches me, to be friendly and attentive. He calls it being "Lovely Wife." He said to listen more than talk, and to validate H's statements. When he says something I don't like to say "I'm sorry you feel like that" and drop it. When he is nasty to say "that (NOT "YOU") makes me feel xxx (sad, unloved, ugly, etc) and drop it. If it is too hurtful and you feel you need to say something else, don't, just walk away. 

Also, Chuck said that a MLCer is going to do what he wants without regard to you or your kids. He advised that any boundaries set must be for your protection, boundaries are not meant to punish or control the MLCer. For example, I wanted to demand that H not talk to his OW on skype in our house. Chuck made me see that would not be a good boundary, as I have no way to enforce it and the idea was to punish my H not protect myself. So I changed it to he can only skype in his bedroom. And he does, and it helps me to not have to see and hear them.

Also, my H is leaving to go visit his OW in Moscow for a month, he's leaving next Wed  But Chuck said this is NOT the time to give him an ultimatum, unless I am prepared for him to never return. And I'm not ready for that. My good friend uRworthy on here has advised me to let him go with love. Meaning that the MLCer has to travel this journey alone, we should not try to impede their progress by forcing them to do anything.

Chuck said to GAL, to be happy, to change the things about myself that need to be changed. And if I am consistent, since we are here in the house together, that my H would eventually notice. I have made changes and stuck to them, some for almost 4 years. My H mentioned a few but said he did not believe they are permanent yet sigh.... 

Good luck to you Peace. I know how raw you feel now. The pain won't go completely away but will become more tolerable. I haven't always been too successful at following Chuck's guidelines, especially not approaching my H. He acts "normal" most of the tine and I forget and try to initiate conversations or get his attention. I hope this helps you a little bit!

[TryingToDo180]

Great post Rosalinda Peace, you need to forget most of what I sais and follow Rosa's advice. She's been there, she knows what she's talking about. Take what you want from my post by all means, but Rosa is talking a lot of sense I wish I could afford a DB coach, but being in the UK I don't think I could afford it.

[RosaLinda]

Thanks Trying, but your post made sense too. And you've been thru this twice yourself. I was just relating what my DB coach instructed me to do. (and yes, it is expensive, yikes!)

But only Peace knows if she can continue to live in her home with her H. Mine went thru a couple of nasty angry spells, and gets nasty occasionally (especially when I forget and approach him) but on the most part, he is pretty quiet and peaceful.

[Ambivalent]

Peace,

"If I let him move out..."
I'm not sure the moving out is your choice...If h. wants to move out, he'll do it. If you don't want him there, you may ask him to leave. I get the sense you'd rather he'd stay. So don't make it easy on him and open the door for him to walk through. " If you love him, let him go..." One can do this under the same roof! You can not cling, while he is still there! He has a job, yes? There are many hours in a day. When he comes home, don't be there periodically. Let him come home to either an empty house or dark house! You can take the kids with or even have a sitter! Start to do things that do NOT fit his perception of you. Learn to change a flat tire or work on your car, if you don't know this already! Mow the yard, do on of the chores he usually does. Don't discuss it , if he wants to, just say : I don't know, or thought I'd see if I could do it, yada yada yada.

Think of him as a petulant or teenage child. If HE brings it up, ( r, or moving out ) just listen without emoting. L I S T E N . You will get information. Validate his concerns or statements by NOT arguing . Some feedback may be : Hmmmm, huh, I see, anything else?, ah ha...I think you get where I'm going.

Don't ask him not to leave, but don't push him out either. Give him space, act as if and try a 180. EXERCISE, the endorphins will help your attitude, allow for you to release negative feelings...Having him there is still good for the kids, and you can model the behavior which is appropriate and healthy.

You are in panic mode right now...this is very tough. "As if" is fake it 'til you feel it. Take the high he gets from you being brought down into his misery away, by NOT reacting. You take control of yourself, don't give it to him! Let him do his own sheets, clothes. If he uses a separate bathroom he can clean that too! Do something that you've wanted to do, and get out of the house. Let him have his "space" to wallow in, and leave the kids with him to do some things as well. Even if you go to dinner and a movie, or to the library...it doesn't mean you want this, or that you have decided not to try. He isn't in a place right now to try. And really neither are you, you are in the " I'll do anything " phase of this. It is NOT a place to be, because you become ready to accept anything, it is not endearing, nor attractive. It does not bring him closer, it will just validate his feelings of ugh, I've got to get outta here or this just goes to show I'm right. You do not want to look pathetic!
Pretend as if he IS your roomie, smile, be polite, don't offer to do anything or go anywhere. Let him start to calm down and feel that you aren't pushing. When that anger subsides, the friendship stage can or may begin.

MEANWHILE

Read, read , read, exercise, play with kids, read some more. If he is having an e.a. don't give him a THING to whine or complain about. Be unpredictable, shocking, gorgeous, friendly, anything but pathetic, angry, or nasty...If he starts to get nasty, you can set a boundary. It will earn his respect and keep your self esteem. I hope this helps, I'm rooting for ya! This weekend may have some yard sales...go get some dishes!

[TryingToDo180]

that's good to hear that most of the time he is quiet and peaceful Like you said, it's up to peace what she wants to do now

[TryingToDo180]

Excellent post ambivalent Hope you're doing ok Peace

[peaceSJ]

Thank you all for your responses and supports. I really appreicate it. Your supports make me feel not alone.
The past long weekend was devastating to me. My H flied to the other city to meet the OW, but he lied to me and the kids. He hid all his whereabouts (including his filghts, hotel and spendings), so we cannot know where he was. I felt so painful when my two little kids (5 and 7 yrs old) kept asking where is daddy and when he can come back home. I took the kids to park and musuem. But when they saw other kids with their daddy, they were so upset. My older one even cried at night since daddy was not home. This really broke my heart.
Thank you roselinda for sharing your advices. I'm trying to follow it, giving him more space and time. but it is even harder when the two kids are so missing their dad. This morning he was back to home, but I didn't asked where he was. We just talked about the kids' pick-up scheudle. He didn't feel any guilty when I told him the kids were missing him so much. Then I realized I shouldn't mentioned that, and talked too much to him.
My question here is if I should confront him and tell him I know he was visiting the OW last weekend or just pretended I didn't know anything. BTW, The OW is his old girlfriend when he was in college and she is living in another state now.
My friends suggested me to kick him out, but I hesitated to do so for two main concerns: 1) kids will be so upset for such big changes; I don't know how to explain to them. 2) I am still holding a hope that someday he may come back.

Thanks a lot

[peaceSJ]

Ambivalent, than you for your excellent posting. I realized I may have done too much house work for him. Right now I am still doing cooking and laundry for him, and most of time I took care of the kids... I should let him share the same responsiblities too if we still live under the same roof as roomates...
BTW, when I talked to him, I really cannot smile :-(

[TryingToDo180]

Hi Peace. Sorry that you're going through all this upset at the mo I would advise you not to confront him about the OW, he may get angry about this. I had an incident recently that you can read about on my thread. If he's hidden the tickets, etc. how do you know that he went away with the OW? If you've been doing some detective work over this then you need to stop it. It will only upset you more and will make your life worse. I'm sorry to be so direct about this, but I've had to delete my H off FB to stop myself from snooping. It's one of Sandi's rules I think.
There's nothing wrong with having a bit of hope that he will come back to you one day, but don't let this hope rule your life. Of course you'll miss him terribly, but if you keep yourself busy then that urgency to see him all the time will fade with time. If he sees that you're getting on with your life, then it might make him sit up and take notice.
As for kicking him out, that is your decision. Roselinda has given you some sound advice over this and well done for following this Don't listen to your friends, it's your life not theirs! I've got friends like that and the best way to deal with them is just agree with them and then politely ask them to change the subject. Even if you agree with them, it doesn't mean that you have to take their advice. I've found friends like that not worth bothering about unless you keep away from the H topic
Hope this has helped a bit Just take what you want from my post as I'm still learning as well

[peaceSJ]

Hi JustStunned, thank you for your postings. I think you're right. Not having enough sex is an excuse because I just found out he has OW now. I has been always trusting him so much that I never thought about it even when he asked for divorce at the begining. I thought if I make a change, then everything will be fine. But he always excused that the change has been too late, he is not in love me for so many year. I was being too naive.