Hi Ruby, I’m happy that you are having a good weekend. Good job leaving him with the picture of you in that dress. I was reading your recent updates and thought that you are following the suggestion I’ve read about in one of the electronic books I bought last year. There was a story about wife leaving her husband for another man. The author suggested to this men to have regular coffee dates with his wife and don’t mention OM at all, just be friendly and confident. The wife went through a few OMs during that time and all of them didn’t like the fact that she was still meeting and talking with her H, so they were all jealous and put lots of pressure on her. At the same time she could talk about anything with her H and he accepted her the way she was. So, the author says that they eventually reconciled. I just could not help but to see the parallel here with your story.
I think you are doing great. The only thing I would want for you is to be more mysterious sometimes. Maybe you are already doing it, but I don’t see much of it in your posts. Hope you have a great week ahead.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
It's great to hear you so confident and happy and to hear you being ok with the fluidity of your R with your H. You are certainly a very strong woman and I wish I had your confidence and strength.
I am curious - what do your kids think about it? You never really talk about them or how they are dealing with this whole situation, your H's OWs or your R.
Do they ever ask? Do you think things are as clear for them as they are for you? How does this whole situation make them feel?
((((((ruby))))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I wrote a post for BF. it disappeared . Will rewrite as it was longer and am on phone lol.
KG. . Good to see you!! Kids don't know about the OWs. See son found out inadvertantly and wasn't happy. H and I say that we are dating other people to the kids but the kids have yet to meet anyone. Even MG who H saw for 9 months was not introduced.
H sleeps in my bed but I asked kids about it and said we are not together. They are good with it. If they were not be wouldn't be in my bed. On both our parts kids come first. Well at least now for h. Lol
Just had long text convo with H who wanted basically to let me know he is not ready yet. He is still working on him and needs space yet but loves the time we spend together. He may be stupid but is not ready. ( his own words) but wants to make sure I know this because hurting me would kill him. I said that he is not where I am and never may be but I was good with it. Also that he would be there no matter what when or why. How much time money or anything would not matter. And as a matter of fact our friendship meant more than his past two relationships because they ended because of our friendship and Hs refusal to give it up.
So that is the scoop. I am still at peace and still doing what I have set out for me We will see what happens when and if he has another gf. But today is all I worry about
No need to worry about what could happen in the future. I think you're handling this extremely well! Now, I do see your H perceiving you as the one left behind (the pursuer,) which puts him in a position of power. Think of ways to change that a bit to make the R more balanced.
Hmmm. I can see this Tori. Hard line to walk though. I can see the position of pursuer through availability. Interesting. Since he was basically powerless during the marriage I wonder how this will play itself out?
Thanks girls, and yes Busting, still at peace, although I have moments when I think about what he thinks about MG, and feel sad, and a little panicky (not quite the right word), but they pass as I let them be and not dwell.
BF, thank you for your comments and this is what I try to do with H. We are very good friends if you strip away everything, so I don't think he is willing to lose that. Maybe he thought he was, but who knows, I guess?
Mysterious doesn't work, simply because I have always held all my cards closely. One of the complaints of H was I never let anyone in. So while I don't volunteer, if he asks I tell. We actually had a discussion similar to this on Wednesday, when he complained that he had to drag info out. I demurred and said just ask me the question right out and i will be happy to give the answer. (It was in relation to my SE2 etc, I think).
Just recently, I made a comment about our upcoming vacation and making out on the beach (by text). He texted "You have a lot of assumptions ;)'
I replied that actually I didn't assume anything anymore.
This seemed to strike a chord with him and he said "I believe you and trust that statement, thank you"
So, I haven't been first to contact him in a long while, except I will today with son's arrival in city.
Hi Ruby, I’m happy that you are having a good weekend. Good job leaving him with the picture of you in that dress. I was reading your recent updates and thought that you are following the suggestion I’ve read about in one of the electronic books I bought last year. There was a story about wife leaving her husband for another man. The author suggested to this men to have regular coffee dates with his wife and don’t mention OM at all, just be friendly and confident. The wife went through a few OMs during that time and all of them didn’t like the fact that she was still meeting and talking with her H, so they were all jealous and put lots of pressure on her. At the same time she could talk about anything with her H and he accepted her the way she was. So, the author says that they eventually reconciled. I just could not help but to see the parallel here with your story.
That's an awesome story Seems to be consistent with the advice the DB coaches usually offer people which is to try and establish a friendship with the WAS. Some around here say to be like a "friendly neighbor". IE, make friendly conversation with the WAS, but no pressure as far as R talks and such. That's what I've been striving for with my W, I don't think she'll ever change her mind about the M but being on good terms makes coparenting so much easier.
Hey AS, it is a good story and if awesome coparents is what it is, then so be it!
I am not sure she is done with you yet.....but I sense a shift in your place in this.
H came to pick up S17 today, move some things into city where S17 goes to school. S17 and I got box spring stuck in stairwell, but when H came none of us could figure out how we got it up there in the first place!!! So we just said "We will get a new one!"
I have a leak in the roof. H patched it but it didn't work and we got a LOT of rain. Which ended up in my bedroom. He saw it today and looked worried. Before I would have been "Nag, nag, fix now, call someone, blah blah, do this..."
All I did was laugh and say "always wanted one of those waterfall decorations...."
He smiled and I felt the dynamic shift. Thank you DB and Bug
H and S17 left with sandwiches and H said "See you tomorrow?" (I am in town for a class) and I said "Yes"
Okay...I really want to freak a bit about the leak!! LMAO!
Huge difference between freaking out about the leak (and vomiting verbally all over your H) and ensuring it gets repaired before further damage happens.
Hey H, how would you like for us to handle the leak? I could call someone if your swamped for time. Then allow him to answer.
Your strong and smart, you got this...
You sound great.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
. Will rewrite as it was longer and am on phone lol. 