The short version is, SSM, little to no affection, H EA possible PA years ago resentment never resolved, became the bickersons, H totally withdrew and then announced he wanted out. In house separation until his lifestyle was becoming too confusing for the teenage boys, he moved out last December. We barely communicate anymore and he rarely does anything with the kids. He's extremely passive and makes assumptions that can get in the way; it's always been up to me to plan, clarify, communicate and smooth things over and I'm not doing those things anymore. I am moving forward. That's the birdseye view.
So we've had a couple of interactions I could only say were completely positive. H came over to help S13 install a hammock in place of his bed, and then on his own initiative set up hooks on the screen porch for the one I like to sit in. That was nice and I told him so.
Then the kids whined and bargained just one time more than I could resist on the labor day weekend camping trip I had planned. I had told H we were going. Friday night they wore me down and I asked him if there was any chance he was available this weekend to come stay with them so I could go without them and he agreed. He had a wedding to go to Saturday night but otherwise would come.
I checked with him about whether to also get a dog sitter, because in the past, for as long as we've had dogs, H will leave poop on the floor, for days if necessary, until I get home to clean it up. I really dislike this and find it passive aggressive, rude, and unclean. Knowing he does this, I said, "I'm on the fence but will be glad to get the dog sitters if you're still unwilling to clean up if the dogs mess on the floor." He blustered a bit about this but insisted I didn't need a dog sitter and agreed that if there was a mess he would pick it up. Cool, we have an agreement.
So I went off the grid and had a wonderful time for three days. When I got phone service back there were only a few messages from H, two asking "Did you go to ___?" and one asking if I could tell him where to find the school supply list because they were out shopping. I texted back about where I went (weird because both kids knew what camp I had gone to and H knew I was camping, don't know why he asked me that twice but whatever). I didn't respond to the school supplies because it was too late they weren't at the store at that point and I was on the road.
I got home and went up to say hello to H who was on my (our?) bed watching tennis. We chit chatted about the wedding and the tennis and my weekend and theirs. I was pleased about that because last time he stayed with the kids he literally bolted when I came home, abruptly. I had texted him later about that just saying "was everything ok because you bolted when I got home" which he never responded to but I guess got the message. It was nice to be able to find out how the kids were and what they did. I unpacked, did laundry, did dishes, greeted the kiddos, and was quite happy. H moved at some point down to the living room couch where he was on his iphone hanging out. An hour or so later I went to get the car washed and vacuumed which I knew would take a while so I said I was leaving and thanks for everything, and when I returned he was gone. He actually left money folded on the counter with a post-it that said "for school supplies."
So I feel completely rejuvenated from a REAL break from the kids and a wonderful time out in nature being completely self sufficient and enjoying some friends and getting a ton of exercise. My favorite thing was packing my little stove and food up a huge mountain and cooking beef stew up on the top. A storm rolled in and we sat in the rain eating hot beef stew and then it cleared for us to hike back down. Wonderful! Stayed clear after that for a couple hours of kayaking before dinner. Just a great time. I missed the kids and didn't at the same time.
While puttering around with H in the house a couple of times I thought about saying hey by the way I intend to buy you out of the house are you going to have a problem with that? Having that conversation is holding me back, but I didn't want to interrupt the new and rare positive energy with some business talk. I want to choose a better time for that but need to do it. I feel motivated to finish our financial separation this month, and I signed up for a class mid-September that's a short seminar on finances surrounding divorce. I want to get my books straightened out before that, go to that for some ideas and shoring up, and then respond to the dusty ancient separation agreement H gave me back in November 2012.
My meetup group that I started passed its first anniversary last month and is going strong with almost 80 members (not all have shown up in person but it's a nice sized group). This week we'll celebrate with a toast. I can say that it has definitely helped me to have a small group of people who never knew me before and have no way of knowing or caring my marital situation, all the while working on a skill that I have wanted for a long time. Sometimes I don't feel up to it but I'm always always glad afterwards; it's so affirming.
I no longer feel in any way LESS because of my relationship with my H. I no longer feel at all that I might be unhappy or pining from now on without him. Sometimes I'm sad about this or that, sometimes I'm lonely or feeling the weight of single motherhood, but feelings just come and go like the weather and they don't define me. My baseline is generally sunny and cheerful and positive; it's how I've always been. The difference is now that's never a veneer. I really feel the other emotions and handle them appropriately; I try to be authentic and really understand myself and accept all of it.
I'm excited with the kids back in school that I can devote my mind to work during the workday and be less distracted and more productive, and then get back to being more family-oriented at home and not distracted by the work that still needs finishing up. Compartmentalizing can be a good thing for a working mom, so it's not all on the plate all at the same time. Fall is good.
I'm planning another trip to Myrtle Beach in October, and a backpacking trip before then. Part of my September plan is to agree with H on a more regular and scheduled time that he's on with the kids. This ad-hoc parenting for him is not working for me.
I guess that's all I have to report on at this point.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
