C, I so get the triggers. I do. Here's the thing. Just as you want her to actively try to be intimate, she wants you to try to put the past behind you.
So, the way I see it, is that you have a choice here. You can continue to allow the affair to be part of your lives, and if you do, it may hinder her feeling comfortable being intimate, or you can begin to try to leave it in the past.
This is how I try to look at life. Everything that happens, every life event, contributes to who I am and to my life story.
You can try to see that her affair was something that happened and is part of her lifestory. While it was heartbreaking for you, it has brought you to where you are with your marriage.
What you need to try to do is see that it was a catalyst to address some things that were wrong in the marriage.
He is not important in the grand scheme of things. He doesnt matter, really.
What matters is where you are on your journey and where you want to see your journey go.
You can continue to think about the affair or you can let it go. Thats not to say you will ever forget. But, if you continue to hold onto it, you give it power. You give it life. When you let it go, it dies. It no longer has control.
When that happens, you get control. Take back your power, sweetie.
I dont know what the answer is regarding your w's lack of wanting intimacy. But if you want to give it the best shot you can, leave the affair behind. Build trust. Show compassion. Share things. Be positive.
When you do, the hope is that it opens her up to accept intimacy. If she thinks that you are thinking about him, it closes her off.
