Thanks everyone, I'm still on the Separation Highway, looking for the exit. It's still a long way to Reconciliation from here.
I got wrapped around the axle a bit last night (there's a theme developing here). H and I were supposed to have a date. When I got home from a friend's house about 4 our 15 year old dog wa down (he has several health issues and has been failing) and couldn't get up. He's a big dog, probably 90 lbs now since he's been sick. S20 said he thought it was time to let Dog go and didn't want him to suffer. We've been talking about this for several months and H had said he would take care of things when the time came. So I texted him to let him know what was going on and said see you soon. I knew there was no way the vet would be out last night.
He said he would take care of things. I texted again later to ask something about our date. And he responded "I thought it was off, I'm not in the mood now and wouldn't be fun." I was surprised and just said "Oh, OK." The little victim girl showed up and I had a tsunami of emotion. I recovered enough to text him that I was sorry he was feeling down.
Then that voice in my head started with all the negatives and doubt. My mind wanted me to believe that H not wanting to go on the date was about not wanting to be with me rather than he needed to time to deal with his feelings. I sat down, got quiet and just kept asking myself what are you feeling, what are you really feeling, what do you know is true?
I was sad about the dog and that my sons are going to lose their "brother." I was hurt/disappointed that H and I couldn't have our date. I was surprised that after all this time of H being away, he still has lots of love for the dog. So I sat with all that for quite a while. What did I know was true? The dog is very sick. He has been a family member for 15 years and is loved by all of us. he will be missed. My sons are sad, my H is sad. All the other stuff my mind was telling me was just that, stuff my mind was telling me and just because my mind says it doesn't make it true. I was hurting myself.
So I took a long walk, did my yoga and meditation, read some and went to bed. I do have better tools now.
I think I pulled it out of the ditch.
Focus on the now.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
We put ours down last year, H did it since I had done our 19 year old cat a few months before and couldn't bear it.
Why wouldn't your H be sad and in a funk? For us, I think, we want to be with someone who can share our pain, make us feel not alone. For your H to be taking these steps towards you and then deal with the dog, it has to be too much, I think, and that's just the way it is. I work with a clientele that can only focus on one thing at a time. It's a carefully constructed world and is okay if they add things of their choosing. But something out of the ordinary, even a sick child, throws them for a loop. Oh, they can cope, but something else gives.
Hang in there. Good for pulling out of the ditch, living in the now requires effort, as I am finding out. I've hauled my own azz out of that ditch a few times myself
Thanks,I know that now. I was being completely self-centered and not taking into account his feelings. It was all about me. I thought that in the 2.5 years he's been gone, he's seen the dog maybe 30 times = doesn't care. Wrong! That's why I had to really sink into it and figure out WTF? Not taking into account his feelings was a part of our original problem.
Sometimes the face that looks back at you in the mirror is not at all attractive.
This could have gone way off track had I responded from the emotional place. I cringe to think about it, it's such an old familiar pattern.
Hopefully I helped to start a new neural pathway last night.
I did wish H a good night and that I hoped he could sleep OK.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Sorry to hear about you pets illness. Their unconditional love affects everyone who has ever cared for them. Tough times.
Nice to hear you guys are trying to reconcile. You have been going through this for a while. Do you think it would be easier if you were not going back & forth and just moved on?
Its a great skill you developed that you never responded from an emotional place. Thats hard to do.
Keep up the great work! Its threads like these that gives me hope!
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
We put our Pug of 12 years down right in the middle of my stich. Not pretty, sad day for all of us. Bugsy don't be so hard on yourself. Look how far you have come. You are doing exactly what you must. You stop and think than act. Keep us posted
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Nice to hear you guys are trying to reconcile. You have been going through this for a while. Do you think it would be easier if you were not going back & forth and just moved on?
Hey Maritimer thanks for the comment.
I don't know that we're trying to reconcile, I'd rather say testing the waters. We're letting our lives unfold.
There's been no going back and forth so I'm not sure I understand the question. I had gotten to a place where I enjoyed my life, having fun, doing my thing. He had never moved an inch this way until just a month or so ago.
I had a lot of things to learn, and I'm still learning.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Sometimes the face that looks back at you in the mirror is not at all attractive.
This could have gone way off track had I responded from the emotional place. I cringe to think about it, it's such an old familiar pattern.
Hopefully I helped to start a new neural pathway last night.
But they didn't go off track, because you recognized it for what it was. You were my inspiration for today, just so you know. I thought about you as I interacted with H about a leaky roof at the house. Before I would have freaked, which would have made him angry etc., today I made a conscience effort to make a joke about always wanting a waterfall machine, and look!
It was your post yesterday that led me to resetting my own pathway, so thank you.
