Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey Now

[labug]

Thanks everyone, I'm still on the Separation Highway, looking for the exit. It's still a long way to Reconciliation from here.

I got wrapped around the axle a bit last night (there's a theme developing here). H and I were supposed to have a date. When I got home from a friend's house about 4 our 15 year old dog wa down (he has several health issues and has been failing) and couldn't get up. He's a big dog, probably 90 lbs now since he's been sick. S20 said he thought it was time to let Dog go and didn't want him to suffer. We've been talking about this for several months and H had said he would take care of things when the time came. So I texted him to let him know what was going on and said see you soon. I knew there was no way the vet would be out last night.

He said he would take care of things. I texted again later to ask something about our date. And he responded "I thought it was off, I'm not in the mood now and wouldn't be fun." I was surprised and just said "Oh, OK." The little victim girl showed up and I had a tsunami of emotion. I recovered enough to text him that I was sorry he was feeling down.

Then that voice in my head started with all the negatives and doubt. My mind wanted me to believe that H not wanting to go on the date was about not wanting to be with me rather than he needed to time to deal with his feelings. I sat down, got quiet and just kept asking myself what are you feeling, what are you really feeling, what do you know is true?

I was sad about the dog and that my sons are going to lose their "brother." I was hurt/disappointed that H and I couldn't have our date. I was surprised that after all this time of H being away, he still has lots of love for the dog. So I sat with all that for quite a while. What did I know was true? The dog is very sick. He has been a family member for 15 years and is loved by all of us. he will be missed. My sons are sad, my H is sad. All the other stuff my mind was telling me was just that, stuff my mind was telling me and just because my mind says it doesn't make it true. I was hurting myself.

So I took a long walk, did my yoga and meditation, read some and went to bed. I do have better tools now.

I think I pulled it out of the ditch.

Focus on the now.