Do give it a try before you surrender to your feelings. You – if any – have the ability to control you! Be single for a period of time. Learn to enjoy this! You need to get a life and then date – dating won’t get you a life! It might give you some good times and possibly a new R but that’s not a life in itself. You need to expand the group of people you socialize with first, find a solid place where T feels joyful and CONTENT by himself – then you date till dark gets light and hopefully an everlasting romance (W or not W) appears in the horizon.
F, this is excellent advice!
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Well, it was just a wild shot! I just remembered how I felt when XW1 left me but reading Ts answers this is different!
I will explain anyway – perhaps some can be taken from this: At that point I blamed my XW1 - not for leaving me - but for wasting many good years of my life and after a short period of time (I now realize) I took on the WAS-thoughts: I never loved her, we shouldn’t have been married and so on…and I belived that dating was the answer. I lost my 20s, never dated, few GF, then W at 24. (I drowned myself in dating to catch up those 20s. I did extremely good in catching up on 20s but unfortunately very bad in catching up on me. IMO I pay the bill now! I felt I changed, that I realized my faults and that I knew who I was – but all of it was just a reflection of my success with women. I have never been good at this and suddenly I simply had it all.)
Reading T I saw many of my thoughts at that time in his posts but not now after reading the answers so even though I would love to help out this isn’t the right direction.
T, The people that advise you mostly in here have been DB’ing and growing for a long time, they are older than you, they have seen it all in here, they have lived a lot of it themselves and therefore they are in a different place than you. I believe in that lies a part of the problem when you feel that nobody sees this your way. The advices they give are solid but I wouldn’t have been able to comprehend these 10 years ago. I do now – 43 years old and in the middle of my second D.
It is still my opinion that a new R right now wouldn’t be good – you have to look into these feelings and find the reason for them being there!
Originally Posted By: T
I feel like it's not something I would be able to just hold in and get past from where I am now.
Do give it a try before you surrender to your feelings. You – if any – have the ability to control you! Be single for a period of time. Learn to enjoy this! You need to get a life and then date – dating won’t get you a life! It might give you some good times and possibly a new R but that’s not a life in itself. You need to expand the group of people you socialize with first, find a solid place where T feels joyful and CONTENT by himself – then you date till dark gets light and hopefully an everlasting romance (W or not W) appears in the horizon.
F
I appreciate the input F
I feel like I have already lived long periods of time like this. Before W and for the last 12 months on and off. The person you see before you isn't someone who has made choices in his own life, not without massive input from others before he did anything. I have a choice in front of me now and the one I have chosen to do does go against the grain in here but I have made the choice and I stand by it. I may come across as ignorant or that my choice is poor one. The 25 year old T1000 wouldn't have made that choice, he would have listened to everyone and then felt mixed up and done nothing.
I'm changing from a scared intimated person to a an independent thinker that makes choices. That is good for me. It's something I have never done. It concerns me if I don't carry on with my momentum I may lose it.
I have more of a life than I have ever had. I'm best dressed, best shape, more confident and decisive than I thought I could be.
The advice on here is solid. It's some of the best advice I have ever received. It's changed my life. It's good advice for anyone at any time not just during marital heartbreak.
I feel like W and I are done. Not because we could never get back together. I believe it is possible just like it has always been. W has a lot issues, issues I find hard to believe she will knuckle down and work on. This personal issue of mine will be here ready to cause damage, in R with W or anyone else. If I could put the feeling away and never worry about it again I would.
I would much rather have this issue possibly done and dusted and be where I am right now than be improved in another way but still have this issue. To me it's more important.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Did it bother you that W was more experienced than you were before the two of you M?
Yes, still does.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Me: Hi, What time can I get S3 tomorrow? I would like to take S1 out for a bit after I drop S3 back off if that is OK.
W: S3 will be attending nursery in the morning as they are having a party and cake to celebrate his birthday. After I pick them up I'm bringing them home to open his presents if you would like to be there and to give him your gift . My plan was to them take him into town to choose a couple more toys for himself and then take them out to dinner.
Me: That's nice of nursery. Yes I would like to be there. I already gave him his gifts on Saturday. I would like to take them to the amusement arcade for bit too.
W: His birthday is tomorrow...why did you give him them early? So he has nothing to open tomorrow?
Me: I wanted to spend a decent amount of time with them playing with the presents.
W: Well what did you buy him? W: Sounds like you lot have already celebrated his birthday and I've only got an afternoon with him to celebrate so I'm going to carry on with my own plans. Cheers for being a d1ck about it.
Me: What do you think I should have done? Bring all his presents to (W's town) and open them in the street? I didn't know if I was even welcome in your house. Or bring them and take them back with me or bring them and then leave them at yours so I don't get to see them have fun with them? I did the best with what I had. You have all day tomorrow, Thursday afternoon, all day Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday to to do whatever you want with S3. I have the day off specifically to see S3 and I would like to see him and he would want to see me.
W: Don't you think I would have had like to watch him open your gifts. You are welcome in the house....stop acting like a child. Right well I was going to take him to the amusement arcade as well so we can all go so S1 doesn't miss out. Can you bring me the trike for S1 as I've bought S3 a bike for his birthday.
Me: Quit it with the name calling. I wanted to take them both to the amusement arcade anyway so that works for me. Yes i will bring the trike. What time should I get there?
W: 2pm
Me: OK
So one minute I'm a d1ck because I gave my son a nice day and W missed it and then I'm a child because I thought I wasn't welcome at her house even though I have picked up and dropped the kids off at her M for the last few weeks.
I tried my best not to react and just respond. I did go off a bit on the message about why I gave him his presents early. She doesn't have a clue how this works for me at all.
I wanted to address the name calling but I wasn't sure how to for a while. I thought that labug would ask me, if I was being the man I want to be what would I do and got my answer.
Seeing as the kids finish nursery at 12:45 I must be pushed out of the present part. That's life.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
W: Sounds like you lot have already celebrated his birthday and I've only got an afternoon with him to celebrate so I'm going to carry on with my own plans. Cheers for being a d1ck about it.
Me: If you continue to call me names, I will stop texting. What time should I be there? What do you think I should have done? Bring all his presents to (W's town) and open them in the street? I didn't know if I was even welcome in your house. Or bring them and take them back with me or bring them and then leave them at yours so I don't get to see them have fun with them? I did the best with what I had. You have all day tomorrow, Thursday afternoon, all day Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday to to do whatever you want with S3. I have the day off specifically to see S3 and I would like to see him and he would want to see me.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I did go a bit far but her last message implied I wasn't welcome because I had already celebrated his birthday and she was angry about that. If I wanted to be there I needed to change her mind, justify my actions and hopefully she would understand why I did what I did.
She didn't like it but it neutralized her anger towards me enough. I would have loved to said what you said at that time but getting to see S3 tomorrow would have been difficult.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
W: Sounds like you lot have already celebrated his birthday and I've only got an afternoon with him to celebrate so I'm going to carry on with my own plans. Cheers for being a d1ck about it.
That was me being uninvited.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Can you give a quick recap of your recent time line? Didn't you go from being on the verge of beginning to piece to now being "done" in a matter of a couple of weeks?
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
