Newcomer's brief summary

[lovethehub]

Were you confronted by your H? How did the A come to light? What was your reaction? Were you angry, resentful?

H found out about a month after it started. I told him we were just texting and that it was an EA, which of course was a big lie. We started counseling, I kept up the A and hid it better.

Then a few months later I ended it and wanted things to work in my M. However, H overheard me talking to a friend about it and he confronted me. I came clean about everything and really wanted our M to work, wanted to go to counseling,etc. However, when counseling focused over and over on my A, when h continued to feel that everything he did was justified and nothing I did was (it had always been that way), when he kept making angry remarks about the A, when it felt like every single thing was turned back around on me, when H kept saying he wanted a divorce, I decided things would never change and I started texting OM again. We never really had a full blown A again after the first few months but the first 6 months of R, I would repeatedly reach out to him through texts when things were going bad. Of course they were, I had a foot in each R.

You mentioned you knew you would come back. From what I've seen in text/email, it looks like she wants out, but I haven't seen the word "divorce" spoken. I'm hoping she's so fogged out of her mind that she is lost in space right now and won't make any permenant moves.

I don't know what your wife really wants, however, I do know that in text/email it looked like I wanted out, too. A big part of me did want out but deep inside I always felt that I would really regret it if I left. I just didn't want to give up all contact with OM because I was afraid H and I would never be better or happy.

You were so lost in the OM during your A, you said that you wanted to throw away your family and be with him. I'm curious, from a WAW perspective, were you able to detach from your kids? How did that facilitate itself? Is it common for a WAW to disregard her children during this foggy time? Did you ever move out of your houase to be with OM?

I never wanted to leave my children and I did not detach from them at all; I never wanted them to have their family split and that held me back, too, esp since D already has a father somewhere else. When I say I wanted to throw my family away, that was how I felt on the surface of my emotions, being all wrapped up in the excitement of a new R and thinking H and I couldn't repair our M, deep down I couldn't go. However, in the beginning, it was the kids that kept me from going anywhere - with a very tiny, tiny sliver of hope that my M could somehow improve. I never moved out, a lot of friends advised me to but I felt that once I left, that was it.

Right now, my focus will be to keep the OM and the A out of mind and concentrate on me and making me better.

Good plan

That's when she said: "You've been this Father of the Year and Husband of the Year for the past several months and I don't know what to do with that or what to make of that person"!

Keep doing what you are doing