Window of opportunity or just a mirage

[MrBond]

"Maybe i am not totally understanding what detachment is,"

Detachment is not letting the things she does affect you. Bottom line, how you react is all on you and not anything that she does. For example, if you got into a car accident, you have a choice. You can either fly off the handle and start reaming the other driver, OR you can shrug your shoulders, ask if people were hurt, and do it in a nice casual manner. It's all about choices.

"but when i have to respond"

You can respond by being impartial. Just say 'yes' or 'no'. You don't need to get your emotions involved. That's all on you.

"or react to my wife's actions"

That's the point. You don't nee to 'react'.

"I find it difficult to not be emotionally involved."

That's your problem. You can detach if you just start practicing it.

"When w asks me to have drinks, what do I do?"

You can tell her you have something to do or you can go. It's up to you.

"Am I available for her or not. How do I act?"

You are overthinking things and it's gotten you analysis paralysis. Just accept some invitations and not others. Think of how you would react if it was a work associate.

"What about when she reaches out to me when she is feeling down. What do I do then?"

Be compassionate but don't be a scapegoat. See all of these are good skills to learn in any relationship. If you do something that gets a positive reaction, do more of that. If you get a negative response, don't do it.

This is why I wonder if you had read DR sometimes.