WTH is going thru h's mind? I mean is it that hard of a decision for him to re-commit? Am I that scary to him? Or is it just plain old selfishness on his part?
He makes me feel like I'm some awful shrew!!!! Was our life together THAT BAD? I'm thinking most of the stuff he told the MC Monday was really a way to justify himself cause he knows he's doing the WRONG thing...he has no justifiable reason to be out there living the single life!!! The source of his troubles ME (or so he says) is changing so what will he have to hold on to stay gone?
I'm fighting to remain in control of my impatience. I won't say anything to him YET but finances are going to come to a head here real soon and I'm going to have to speak to him about taking care of his sons financially. I dread the conversation solely because taking care of his kids should be in his mind already so he should continue to send child support without my prompting! He puts me in the villans place because he doesn't take of his responsibilities.
It's not h's time...it's our kids. He's robbing them of there time to be happy in life by having a second childhood himself. The whole thing just pisses me off sometimes! Right now I'm just going to focus on what he's willing to do like helping with the boys homework and let this other finances talk go until next week. Until then I'll wait him out.
I know must of this stuff is waying heavily on his mind, I hope that's what is on his mind...I just pray he's not finding some ow to distract him in the process!!!!
H just called to vent about having to jump out his a$$ to help complete the boys assignments! he said they had all week what happened (more like what are YOU doing w that they ain't getting their homework done..is what I heard!).
Anyway I as calm cool said first off I really appreciate you helping us by picking them up from school and taking them to the library so we can do the work. i know it is frustrating to do this at the last minute but unfortunately it has to be done...the assignments are due tomorrow. I said you just get them there, get them started and I'll come wrap it up. He says well what exactly have the boys been doing that they haven't worked on these assignments at all?!
I DIDN'T SAY THIS: (Wow, well h since I have to drive 45 minutes to get home and I don't get home until 6:30p, to eat then start homework at 7pm...and)
BUT DID SAY: the boys don't have just some homework they have 1.5 hours of homework! So this assignment is hard to get done or worked on every night! Plus the boys have not been using their time wisely at school and just plain old refusing to do the work there. In any event h I'm glad you can help us cause I would have to take off from work early to go get them thus losing valuable vacation time...so I'm glad you are able to help.
He seemed pacified then though I could tell he was having a hard time because I was expecting him to do things he's not comfortable doing (ie, working with unfamiliar software, not have a disk to save his work, having to save to his email, looking up info on boys subjects...well just being a parent now that I see this!!!!).
Oh well the mc said I'd have to help train h on how to be a dad and husband...gosh this training stuff is HARD...I feel like I'm working/coaching a teenager. H fights me the whole way.
You handled that hurdle just fine. He didn't call to blast you, he called to vent about what a pain in the rear the kids homework is. The WINNING Cindy didn't get all caught up in it, reacted calmly, let him storm on, and pacified the situation when he had let all the air out of his sails.
You married a fighter indeed, that has its benefits and its burdens..
I've given up trying to understand some of these people. I agree with you - it's a no-brainer. The only thing I can guess is he's scared of being burnt again. Same reason I have huge walls up regarding my XW - I've seen nothing to indicate she wouldn't burn me again if given the chance.
Well met up with h after work to get the boys projects done. He acts all standoffish..but at least he got out of the car and came into the library. That's a positive. He sat over reading a magazine while I got the presentation done.
I went at one point to ask how he was cause he looked out of sorts...he says aren't you suppose to be doing that presentation? Oh, I said yeah but are you ok. He says yeah why...oh you seem out of sorts I say. On impulse I asked what he did last night. He says he and his friend Sammy hung out at the apartment watching movies. (I wonder if that is all they did?)
He was rude and drove off while I was thanking him for helping me with the kids.
OOOOHHHH, I feel like calling him right now and saying WTF is wrong with you? He acts like I've done something awful...feel as though he hates the fact that I dismissed the d. Why is he like that?
I wonder what my response should be if he asks me and the boys over for this weekend? I have to admit that it's getting old, going over there and then getting treated this way, like I'm the enemy.
Quote: I wonder what my response should be if he asks me and the boys over for this weekend? I have to admit that it's getting old, going over there and then getting treated this way, like I'm the enemy.
Cindy,
I think that you answered your own question about this weekend. He knows that you are eager to spend the day with him. What if you had other plans since he hasn't said anything to you yet about it? Do you think that would be something different than what you have done?
But by the same token you are in sorts the enemy. You did the most damaging thing you could have done to him and FILED for a divorce.
He is angry with you for doing it in the first place. But trust me he is relieved that the pressure of that is off. He just doesn't know how to express it. I think you mentioned that you guys were going to MC together. THAT is a big plus. Hopefully the MC can help you turn things around from this point.
Just stay strong. You are doing just fine even though it may not look it. Continue working on yourself.
So good to get your post at this hour! A reasonable voice in this insanity I'm living!!!! Thanks.
I know I hurt him so bad by filing...he doesn't trust me. I guess it is the equivalent of an A, what I did. Yes, he's still angry...but my goodness can't he get over it now! It's been a year and 3 months! I mean I got over his a but he can't afford me the same courtesy? WTH?! Or am I just callus cause I can get over the a and am just too brutal on the man to expect him to turn so quickly?
You are right we have come a long way since November...well I have at least. H is doing some things but still sits on the fence.
I don't know about the MC...h may not come back next week. The MC gave him the choice to call to set up an appt, he may not do it. I really think he got an overload of info on why not to d! He's still processing I guess.
Thanks for helping me. I didn't really expect a reply so late this evening but you've taken the wind out of my going-to-go-spy-on-h-and-have-an-r-talk sail!!!!
DO keep in mind though, Cindy, that there's a possibility that not all of his actions and moods may revolve around the "D/no D" subject. Some of the things that he says or does MAY just be because he is just "grumpy" at the time.
Hold your steady course, and try your best not to let any of his particular moods change what you're doing, and where you eventually want to be.
You are right we have come a long way since November...well I have at least.
That YOU definitely have!! Yes, he's still "fence-sitting", but I see him leaning more on the side of your marriage with each positive interaction the 2 of you have together!
You're doing a great job, Cindy! Better every day!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Wow, our sitches sound a like! I filed a little over a year ago and my H was upset with me! But, he was the one having the A! Go figure!
Quote: But by the same token you are in sorts the enemy. You did the most damaging thing you could have done to him and FILED for a divorce.
Yep! I think that our H's feel that is a bigger betrayal than an A (THANKS to bill clinton!).LMAO
I'm having the D dismissed also, but my H insisted we needed to get one.
As for your hubby being crabby, could be something else; leave him alone. If he feels he needs to tell you whats bothering him he will, don't push!
Believe me, I don't like the fence sitting either! Or the Limbo land! But, giving our H's the space they need is important at this time, be his friend and go with the flow!
Quote: but I see him leaning more on the side of your marriage with each positive interaction the 2 of you have together!
Yes, I must admit that there have been more positives toward our marriage since November.
You are right I need to hold steady. I called this a.m. to ask h to the movies. Said if he doesn't let me know yea tonight I'll make other plans. Also for us to get together on Sunday/Monday, I'd need to know if that was a definite...if not I'm off out of town for the long weekend to stay with friends.
He has many choices to see us this weekend, no pressure....let's see what he does. Either way, my boys and I will have fun. h I know will be working all weekend except Monday....it may be best to leave him alone.
