Looks like one the issues the email deals with is sorted.
W text me.
W: This weekend coming is the 3rd weekend (it wasn't, plus the last thing she said was she didn't want them any weekends). Do you want me to keep the boys here or you taking them?
Me: You did say you wanted them at yours the weekend of S3's birthday (Weeks ago). It's fine with me. I would like to have some contact with them though whether it's a small visit or even Skype.
Going forward I think we need a clearer picture of what weekends we are doing. Maybe some sort of online schedule. Are you still wanting them every 3 weeks? I'm fine having them every weekend of the month except one.
W: Yes I'm more than happy to still have them every third weekend. Because I hadn't spoke to you I wasn't sure what was happening. I can just go ahead and sort my weekend out now.
Why is it when I read "I can just go ahead and sort my weekend out now." I feel there is something more to it. She is telling me absolutely nothing but little snippets at the end of texts that maybe try to make me feel something or another.
I'm not gonna think about it but it does feel manipulative in some way.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Oh well, she will balk at anything that she has not had to do.
T, your feelings of jealousy of OM is understandable.......to a point. But it seems to dig up these old inferiority emotions that you missed out b/c you didn't score with several women when you were single. I won't pretend to understand it or how your W & another man causes you to be jealous of a life you feel you missed. But if you don't get it worked out, it could be the makings of a MLC some day. Wouldn't that be something, to finally get the R you've always wanted....and then you be thrown into MLC?
I don't understand much about MLC so I won't pretend I know how they work
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Based on the things you said after OM1 and now with OM2, I have to wonder if you feel you have no identity apart from your W/MR. When another man comes on the scene, it seems to cause you to want to go back in your 20's to find yourself.
It does, when there was OM1 it did stir these feelings in me but I managed to hold them at bay and I was hopeful W and I would sort it out and it would be something I had to live with as hard as that may be. OM2 is more of the same, doubled. I feel like it's not something I would be able to just hold in and get past from where I am now.
I spoke with my IC about my jealous feelings and his conclusion was I was normal. I don't think they are normal feelings as others don't see it the same way in the slightest.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
I'd like to comment on the EA/PA subject. From the posts I have read from LBH'S over the years, many worry more about a PA and don't take an EA seriously enough.
An EA, for a woman, is an affair of the mind & heart. It involves her feelings, emotions,, dreams and fantasies. It becomes a part of her b/c she carries it around with her at any place at anytime. She can wear a mask while she dreams of OM and what life with him would be like. It can become so intense that it consumes her. An EA can be very addictive, and therefore, it takes a long time to overcome the hold.
I don't doubt the effects of an EA on a woman. W getting over an EA would be hard work and would no doubt take longer. To me personally an EA once it has finished (if it does) is finished. An PA will always have happened. That doesn't make much sense when I read it back it's just how I feel about it.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Men don't want another man to be physically intimate with his W b/c.......well, her body was for him, just as his body was for her, and nobody else should touch the places they touched each other. Am I close?
Sort of. I difficult to put words around it. It's like the absolute ultimate world ending betrayal.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
One thing that makes M a sacred institution is when the couple's heart and body is given exclusively to each other. Not in a controlling or dependent way, but freely and lovingly. So if one of them breaks that covenant by allowing a third party in, it disrupts that special bond.
I'm not going anywhere particularly here. Just sharing some thoughts.
That bond will always have the battle damage an A adds to it. That's very difficult for me to get past. I don't know if sorting out my feelings about myself will help that or not. She had a choice two weeks ago, one that would give our family and our M hope but she chose another path that leads to none of that as well as ripping my heart to pieces.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
What will you do when she has one of her middle-of-the-week meltdowns and wants you to rescue her from the kids?
Sorry I'm busy living my own life. Let me know what time your dropping them off next weekend.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I have a few questions but they are in the same direction. I might shoot totally off target, but if I don’t take the shot I won’t hit anything at all, so here we go:
Do you at times find yourself thinking that it would have been better if you never M at all? Do you think back on GF you had before W, why those R were broken up and how nice they actually was? Do you feel that the lost 20s is Ws fault because she took them away by M you and then leave? Does the feeling of all this being her fault (prior to BD) hit you more and more often? Have the feeling of anger replaced the feeling of regretting to some extent? Do you feel alone?
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
I have a few questions but they are in the same direction. I might shoot totally off target, but if I don’t take the shot I won’t hit anything at all, so here we go:
Do you at times find yourself thinking that it would have been better if you never M at all?
No. We had our ups and downs but our ups were great and we had two beautiful kids.
Originally Posted By: Fartiltre
Do you think back on GF you had before W, why those R were broken up and how nice they actually was?
No. My last girlfriend before W was 9 years earlier. They are so far apart there's no comparison.
Originally Posted By: Fartiltre
Do you feel that the lost 20s is Ws fault because she took them away by M you and then leave?
No I met W after I turned 30. My 20's was my own fault/severe lack of confidence. That is something coming on here has given me. Becoming and pushing to be a better me. I feel I have some of the confidence I severely lacked when I was younger.
Originally Posted By: Fartiltre
Does the feeling of all this being her fault (prior to BD) hit you more and more often?
Yes it does. After she left I took 100%. Then I took my half. Now I don't think she can be pleased and/or happy.
Originally Posted By: Fartiltre
Have the feeling of anger replaced the feeling of regretting to some extent?
A bit. I'm angry at her choices. I have always been regretful in one way or another but not so much now.
Originally Posted By: Fartiltre
Do you feel alone?
Sort of. I am alone but I'm not lonely.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Intriguing questions, F. Sounds as if you may know more about how this causes T to respond with the feelings he has.
T, it is "normal" to be jealous of your W seeing another man. But did you explain to IC how it makes you feel you were missing out on your youth?
No, it's not something that I thought at the time other than my lack of experience.
I feel like I missed out. When I M W I had them feelings but as time went on they subsided. W having two OM in our M is going to amplify them feelings massively. If she ever gets to R this is going to be my issue that I think will kill it.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Well, it was just a wild shot! I just remembered how I felt when XW1 left me but reading Ts answers this is different!
I will explain anyway – perhaps some can be taken from this: At that point I blamed my XW1 - not for leaving me - but for wasting many good years of my life and after a short period of time (I now realize) I took on the WAS-thoughts: I never loved her, we shouldn’t have been married and so on…and I belived that dating was the answer. I lost my 20s, never dated, few GF, then W at 24. (I drowned myself in dating to catch up those 20s. I did extremely good in catching up on 20s but unfortunately very bad in catching up on me. IMO I pay the bill now! I felt I changed, that I realized my faults and that I knew who I was – but all of it was just a reflection of my success with women. I have never been good at this and suddenly I simply had it all.)
Reading T I saw many of my thoughts at that time in his posts but not now after reading the answers so even though I would love to help out this isn’t the right direction.
T, The people that advise you mostly in here have been DB’ing and growing for a long time, they are older than you, they have seen it all in here, they have lived a lot of it themselves and therefore they are in a different place than you. I believe in that lies a part of the problem when you feel that nobody sees this your way. The advices they give are solid but I wouldn’t have been able to comprehend these 10 years ago. I do now – 43 years old and in the middle of my second D.
It is still my opinion that a new R right now wouldn’t be good – you have to look into these feelings and find the reason for them being there!
Originally Posted By: T
I feel like it's not something I would be able to just hold in and get past from where I am now.
Do give it a try before you surrender to your feelings. You – if any – have the ability to control you! Be single for a period of time. Learn to enjoy this! You need to get a life and then date – dating won’t get you a life! It might give you some good times and possibly a new R but that’s not a life in itself. You need to expand the group of people you socialize with first, find a solid place where T feels joyful and CONTENT by himself – then you date till dark gets light and hopefully an everlasting romance (W or not W) appears in the horizon.
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
