Glad to get your perspective here and that you see it as positive ! I'm so hung up I guess on how it was not what I was expecting....but that is what I get for EXPECTING, huh?!
I agree...I'll let him think about what was said for a couple of days.
I'm worried now about finances....hopefully by the weekend I can talk to h about them and see if he will continue to help us.
During the session the MC asked why I filed in the first place, why did I think I was doing it for the kids. I said I was afraid h would become a dead beat dad. MC said wow that is not very complimentary about h and h said yeah that's hurtful that she would think that about me (gee must have been because he didn't give us any support the first month after he moved out...I had to take it from our joint account! I didn't say that though.). So the MC said well you are not a dead beat dad now are you? H said no! Well I hope that part of the session got into his head and he understands that he still needs to support his kids. So hopefully asking for money won't be a big deal like it was before.
H sounds so depressed like he doesn't like the fact that the decision is now really his...no court date to just let it happen now! I talked to him this morning about getting our son's glasses fixed and he didn't sound too chipper kind of like surprised. Anyway he said he plans to call me after our older son's hand surgery...he let me know about the glasses. At least he's stepping up to the plate and taking care of the boys more. I'm going to rely more heavily on him for that now. It is easier for him to do anyway since he's not working the first 2 days of the week. The boys can spend the night and he can take them to the doctors or to get clothes or whatever.
I wonder what all this will mean for our Florida trip. I wonder if that is still on? Ok, ok, one day at a time!
Well, when I read your MC meeting results, I can't say that I'm surprised at anything you said. It doesn't surprise me that your H is still on the fence, it doesn't surprise me that he's still a little gunshy, he's still getting used to the NEW YOU. It sounds as though he didn't explode when you told him you had dismissed the D. I'd rather him be upset about a couple of old drills than you pulling the D, wouldn't you?? The BOTTOM LINE is that you told him you dismissed the D, and he seemed OK with that. Thats STEP ONE. Now you just get right back on the horse and keep doing what we've gone over time and time again, because these last few weeks you have seen positive changes in him, you have to admit that. He's returning your calls, being responsible with the kids, inviting you to come over, initiating affection, talking about vacations, these are all POSITIVES, and they are POSITIVES because you are doing what works and that one more time is:
BE and ACT HAPPY
THINGS ARE OK JUST AS THEY ARE
NO PRESSURE OR PURSUING
KEEP BEHAVING LIKE YOU ARE, KEEP TREATING HIM AS YOU HAVE BEEN.
BE CONFIDENT, STRONG, NICE, SEXY, ETC
NO R OR D TALK UNLESS HE BRINGS IT UP.
STAY BUSY AND ACTIVE WHILE YOU'RE APART.
NO OBSESSING WITH WHAT HE'S GONNA DO, WORRY ABOUT WHAT YOU DO...
It would appear as though he just needs to make sure in his own mind that the changes you are making will be CONSISTENT, so that he can feel comfortable RECOMMITTING if thats what he decides..
Thing continue to look up for you Cindy. Remember, many of us would like to be in your shoes, in terms of the progress you're making here the last few weeks. Are you out of the woods yet?, no of course not, but thats ok, you're making progress..
I'm glad you posted. Brought things into perspective for me. I was so busy seeing what I didn't GET I missed what h gave.
You are right
Quote: It sounds as though he didn't explode when you told him you had dismissed the D. I'd rather him be upset about a couple of old drills than you pulling the D, wouldn't you?? The BOTTOM LINE is that you told him you dismissed the D, and he seemed OK with that. Thats STEP ONE.
I was totally expecting him to go off today but he's said NOTHING about it! Not one word about how could I waste all that money getting it DONE but not going through with it?! I realize that and it is a POSITIVE! He's testing me to see if I freak out at the thought of going on this way....nothing to use as leverage now!
Quote: He's returning your calls, being responsible with the kids, inviting you to come over, initiating affection, talking about vacations, these are all POSITIVES, and they are POSITIVES because you are doing what works
Yes, yes, he's doing these things! Even now that there is no d...he called to let me know son was ok after surgery. I thanked him for taking our son to dr. He even made the follow-up appt and is planning on taking son to it on March 1.
Quote: THINGS ARE OK JUST AS THEY ARE
This one will be hard! I'm already wondering how much longer????!!!
Quote: It would appear as though he just needs to make sure in his own mind that the changes you are making will be CONSISTENT, so that he can feel comfortable RECOMMITTING if thats what he decides..
I'm thinking right now that this is IT! He's wanting to know if I'm for real. He admitted this over and over in the session yesterday...he doesn't believe me just SAYING it I have to do it consistently. This is key and our ticket to recommitment.
You are right...I have to focus on me more and he's coming around the more I do that. I have to keep it up!
At least he also admits to being in a position where thoughts of our future together are THERE...he wants a future with me but is scared. I'll have to keep this in mind when I'm db'ing. He's plain old scared silly about getting the old r back...that's all.
I'm grateful for your help. You brought me around to where I can see where h is coming from and I have a new perspective than what I did last night.
I'm going to be happy, ok with things as they are, busy, no pursuing, no obsessing, busy, and looking good. Do more of what works and less focusing on the negative.
Yes, Cindy! At least you didn't hear what i heard when I told my H I was dismissing the D! You are so lucky! My H insists we should get a D. And now I have to set here on the fence and wait to see if he is going to get one...
One thing is strange, if my H wants a D then why does he come here and do acts of service 2x a week? But, then again, maybe he is feeling guilty...
Anyhoo, count your blessings, good things will be happening for you! {{{hugs}}} I wish you all the luck!
IMHO, h's want to come home to there families...no matter what they say. They want to come home. They miss their wife they miss their kids...they just are so afraid and unsure as to how to get back.
I think h does acts of service because he wants to come home. He hasn't filed for d so there you go. Why is he waiting? to see what you will do of course.
He'll come around...have faith. Sometimes my h seemed so adamant that he wanted a d...once went 3 weeks ignoring me but did acts of service through kids only to turn around at hearing and agree to the continuance. Keep your chin up and do what you believe! Don't go off what he's doing.
OOp another bend in the road! A friend from high school whom I also work with has admitted that he wants me to be part of his life...wants it very badly. And he's so sweet, loves kids and worships me. He says he feels no pity for my h if he thinks having a w who loves him, is beautiful, has his 2 kids is bad! my friend says h needs to wake up...cause single guys like him would love to be in his shoes! My friend has known me longer than h....knows the kind of person I am and admires me so much he's now determined to change his life for the better...is even going to church, reading his bible for the first time in 3 years. H admires the fact that I'm faithful to my h though I'm getting the shaft.
My friend offered to call my h to tell him that if he doesn't want me that he should move out of the way cause he's waiting. Maybe I should let him call him.
Though the boys and I will be spending the weekend with my friend....this won't stay out of h's ears with my boys knowing. my friend is so cool to the boys cause he owns a tank, military vehicles and an M60. He's offered to show the boys his toys...I guess really as a 'lure' to get me there too.
I don't mind the attention but wish kind of that h knew someone wants me. Maybe that would light a fire under h's chair to decide what he wants to do!!!
I know I'm actually getting tired of waiting. maybe if h should call this weekend to ask me out...I'll say no to spend time with a man who really appreciates me for a change. I need a boost to my PMA right now since all I get from h is how awful I am.
Though I've told my friend I'm not interested in an r but only friendship he's ok with that.
I feel like this r is taking another turn...where will it go? I know I'm not ready for another r after h..but maybe it will help me to let go of h further? Maybe that is what I need.
What a great situation to be in. Just the emotional high of knowing someone sees you as desireable could last me a month! It is clear that the WINNING Cindy is showing through to others, including your H. (I wish they had a 'does not have a clue' face to insert here)
Just be cautious as you go and focus on what your long term goals are. From your posts, I don't think finding another relationship is the priority. Only you can make that call....
Yes, it would give h the wrong impression if I was to seek out om. Kind of make all my talk about wanting the m...moot!
So no deal...I'll just have to hang on a little bit longer for h to come around.
Called him this am...to ask if he could help our sons with homework (they have 2 powerpoint presentations due tomorrow!!). h said ok so he'll be with the boys this afternoon helping out. I was sure to tell him I appreciated his help !
In the course of our convo, he mentioned what he'd been up to last night. Just volunteered the info! Hmmmm.
I'm thinking now that we no longer have that d hanging over, I'm going to start involving h in more of the boys activities. I feel as though h should get back into the swing of things with the boys at least. Some type of family type routine.
Quote: I don't mind the attention but wish kind of that h knew someone wants me. Maybe that would light a fire under h's chair to decide what he wants to do!!!
Stick with what's working, stick with the patience. You've come a long way, don't ruin it by being impatient. Just keep being the WINNING Cindy!!
! I'm so hung up I guess on how it was not what I was expecting....but that is what I get for EXPECTING, huh?!
is showing through to others, including your H. (I wish they had a 'does not have a clue' face to insert here)