Turtle Goddess she of the hard shell soft

[Portia]

Oh MizJ aren't we all living the dream? Well, a dream anyway. And the kind that a person has when they've eaten before bedtime.

So on some level it appears that your H recognizes that losing you would not be a good thing. I loved that you thought to ask. We make these assumptions sometimes about what people mean and we are almost always wrong.

Sorry to hear about D's jail time but it is good that it has made an impression. I was a bit of a troubled child but now I am all responsible and bloody boring, so she may turn out all right yet. You are an excellent mother and she knows it.

TTFN

[mizjjd]

rH, Portia,

Thank you for stopping by

My mind was reeling yesterday and I felt I had to let some of that out.

I'm still rather reeling today. I think something has shifted within the glacier that is H. There is no obvious measurable movement but rather signs that there may be cracks in his layers.

We went to visit D19 yesterday. Unfortunately she now seems to be coping, almost comfortable. But maybe that has to be expected because the human spirit does find a way to cope and too she's half way now; sees the light at the end of the tunnel. Time will tell with her, as it will with everything.

On the way home H and I stopped for dinner. (This is one of those crazy things. As you all know we are on a tight budget and normally stopping for dinner means McD's dollar menu. Well about a month ago I ran into a former co-worker at the grocery. We chatted and caught up then out of the blue she handed me a $25 gift card to a restaurant. Because, she said, she had wanted to give me something a year earlier when I had to quit where we worked together. The restaurant she gave me the card to is only near where D19 is in jail, a town we rarely go to. I thanked her and put the card in my purse thinking when will I ever use this? Now I know.)

And H starts talking. And he talks the whole dinner and the whole way home. And he cries. And he reveals that he feels like "a walking lump of flesh rather than himself". He sees himself as a failure and figures I must too. This is where OW comes in because she only knew him when he was a rising star, young tireless and virile.

I manage to "listen and validate" fairly well. I do maintain that while OW may appear to serve a purpose that I don't think ultimately she's beneficial because I think she's more of a distraction than a true help. And I calmly hold my line of "there's an expiration date on this sitch as long as OW remains".

The in-law's are again in a bad way. MIL has never recovered from her back surgery - the pain has been ever present and tremendous. She went back into the hospital a few days ago. Now she has either mentally slipped or is experiencing drug induced dementia. Early yesterday she thought the nurses wanted to tie her up, cut her legs off and rob her. But then, when H called her last night she had forgotten all that and told him she was just back from a dinner party and "Can you believe I have ANOTHER dinner party yet tonight! All the doctors just love me and invite me out all the time!" H told her to have a good time. Meanwhile FIL is holing up in his house and getting dead drunk.

So. I have been reminded that "this" is not about me. Its not about the marriage. Its about H.

So maybe I can back off a bit and give the man some space, some room, some time to save himself. All things I thought I had been doing, to some degree, but now I more fully see that this is not personal. Even though it sure as hell feels that way. But I'm just collateral damage.

Thanks for listening.

Take care.

Peace.

Jaye

[reachingHigher]

Aww, Jaye, the complexity of your sitch continues to amaze me. Poor H. Poor you. I don't know what else to say. You have my sympathies....

When they really start to let out how they feel, it's startling to glimpse that kind of pain.

I'm glad you remembered the restaurant certificate.

Hugs for today,
rH

[RosaLinda]

oh J, oh J. My God your head must be spinning. I hate R talks, your H seems to keep throwing them at you. You are doing great standing upright after these poundings the past 2 days.

I'm so sorry for all of the lies he told you, that he blamed YOU for destroying your marriage, that he told you he cannot give up OW. The truth is more to be found in his next statement I think, when he said that the "worst" would be if he was not there with you. At your talk during dinner yesterday, was he still holding that "can't give her up" line?

My H told me the same sort of things, that he feels empty, an empty shell rather than himself. I bet this is where all of his EAs and RT come in - they do not know him as a "failure" but just as the virile man he presents himself to be online. These poor MLCers, they are so full of pain and have no self esteem at all. Doesn't it break your heart to see your H cry because he thinks you see him as a failure? You did great validating and sticking to your boundary that you cannot have a R as long as OW remains.

"So. I have been reminded that "this" is not about me. Its not about the marriage. Its about H.
So maybe I can back off a bit and give the man some space, some room, some time to save himself. All things I thought I had been doing, to some degree, but now I more fully see that this is not personal. Even though it sure as hell feels that way. But I'm just collateral damage"

Time and space are your gift to your H J. I hope seeing that none of it has anything to do with you or even with your marriage will help you to stay strong. Thanks for sharing your sitch, it is helpful to all of us.

PS and your poor MIL! Dementia must be so frightening. Sort of like MLC. Our Hs think we want to tie them up and cut off their, um, legs, too. Then they are off in La La Land at the dance, the belle of the ball. Lord help us all.

[RosaLinda]

Hi J, how is your weekend going? Is your MIL doing any better? Just thinking of you my friend

[mizjjd]

Hi everyone.

Thanks for stopping by rH and RL

I am having a rare day off - from both jobs and even from sporting events.

I am tempted by the dark side to spend it brooding over H and OW.
Not because anything has changed - maybe because nothing has changed?

H has become such a different and unlikeable person, how is it that I can still love him? Because I'm supposed to? Because I have for so long?

I want to turn to the back of the book, or stop reading it altogether. Its oppressive, this way of life. Living with that man who doesn't like me, who criticizes so easily, who says harsh and hurtful things.

Brought H a lunch from fastfoodland Saturday. (Wondering as I did it, why I was doing such a stupid thing. H hadn't asked for it, I just thought "it would be nice", that it was something he would like. Not EXPECTING accolades -geesh, as if - but maybe a "thanks". You know, a one word near grunt of gratitude.)

H, "Why did you bring me this?"

J, "Its a gift!" light, teasing tone, "Its good manners to say thank you for a gift, not to question the giver!"

H, "You are not a nice person."

J, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

Bringing stupid little things like that is a big part of who I am. I do it for my kids and my friends. Why can't I do it for that, that, that Golem! (Yes! A jewish descriptive! That would doubly annoy H )

Ah well. Shake it off Jaye and stop whining. You know the rules of the game

1. There are no rules
2. There are no winners

Mercy me but the dark side is taking over.

Good things.

I have the day off. S20 and I are planning a feast! (And if Golem starts in, I'm considering locking him in the shed.)

Lots of sports this week! 3 soccer games and 1 football game. Not to mention NFL starts up as well - H is a football fan and is always happier during the season. However, he is a Buccaneers fan... so his happiness might be sporadic at best. Me? Go Pats! (I didn't name my dog Brady after the tv show ya' know )

D19 gets out of jail. This one might be a mixed bag here. Guarded optimism.

MIL is out of dementia! Still in the hospital, and they still need to address her pain, but am counting the out-of-dementia as a positive.

I don't have to pound my laundry on rocks in the creek! Lol, that is as positive a spin as I can muster for laundry But it will be a good thing to get it caught up - especially because this week will be so busy.

Take care all.

Sending out positive energies and hoping they boomerang

[Hopefull2]

J
If you want to make a little money on the side write a book... I would subscribe... I love your sarcasm an ability to step back and see your situation as it is. Your husband deserves nothing... But you are who you are and I hope regardless of where you get off this train you will keep that loving and giving spirit who makes you the special person you are.

Positive energy your way as well

[uRworthy]

Me too, me too! I'll buy your book.

J, I want to punch your h in the face. Hard. Just sayin....
So, picture a five foot old lady standing on tiptoe to do it. That should make you laugh.

I so agree with everything H2 wrote ^^^^.

You just keep being you, but not at the expense of losing you, if that makes sense. LOL!

[mizjjd]

If you want to make a little money on the side write a book

Careful what you say H2 lol

One of the things on "the list" is that I've never written a book.

H is certain I could make a mint ala 50 Shades of Grey author E.L. James

In his defense he certainly has positive things to say about that aspect of mine - what he believes to be a talent for writing.

But I'm not very creative actually. To just sit down and make stuff up.

I did give in a while back and wrote a very short story to appease H. Now I'm supposed to be expanding it to self publish on Amazon. Sigh sigh sigh.

I like the story, but its very emotional and now that I'm trying to expand it I find humor sprouting up in inappropriate places. (Surprising - no?!)

But thanks for the vote of appreciation H2!

[mizjjd]

oh no, you too uR?!

I like the visual!

H isn't too tall, 5'9" and I have a little kitchen stool should do just the trick!