Is there's anything left of everything we had...

[Not Quitting]

Thanks for yet another kick in the pants TTD180. Yes I did comment on Kelela's post about things to do when I can't sleep. Another case of not being able to take my own advice.

Having another bad day today. S13 is out playing with his friends and I'm sitting indoors feeling sorry for myself. I'm missing H today for some reason. Don't know why because I was feeling great when I got up. Maybe its because there was one activity we have been doing as a family on this long weekend every year since we moved to Canada, and this year it didn't happen. Maybe its because I've had to listen to my dad moaning and complaining about one thing or another again.

Maybe I just need another kick in the pants and a reminder that I'm by no means alone in this.

I'm going to go for a quick walk around the block, get some fresh air and hopefully come back feeling better.

[TryingToDo180]

lol I won't kick you in the pants again I was getting a bit maudlin myself in the card shop today. I found myself looking at husband cards and thinking well I won't be buying one of those any time soon, lol. Also my dad still hasn't rung me about the letter I wrote to him and I'm getting a bit anxious about this because the next time I speak to him will be on his birthday which is next weekend.
Also in the card shop there was a song playing that my H used to sing all the time, very badly I may add, lol. Fond memories I suppose.
Hope you feel better after you've been for a walk around the block It must be hard living with your parents again, my mum drives me nuts even after a few days, lol. Maybe try and see if you can get your own space in some way. Is there a room that you can go to where you can be on your own? Can a spare room be turned into a craft room where you can do some scrapbooking or make cards? I find this great fun to do, I started going to a scrapbooking class when I wasn't at college, but then got into card making so I just do that now.
What about your bedroom? Is there somewhere where you can set up a table to do some crafts on? I know of two families that live together for one reason or another and they find a way to get their own space.
Just my 2 cents worth Dads are the worst for moaning!

[Not Quitting]

Thanks for the support TTD180. The walk did help a bit. Sometimes its the smallest things that can set us off.

Actually I think its a bit harder living with my dad right now as he's still grieving the loss of his long term partner who died shortly before Christmas. I can't imagine being widowed twice in a space of 25 years. Until she passed, he was only here 1 day a week so it was almost like having our own place. I used to joke that if and when he moved back in full time it would be fatal for one of us - LOL.

No spare room - only the 3 bedrooms and they're all in use. I've set up a small table in my room for S13 to use as a homework space as his room isn't really big enough for a desk. I suppose I could hijack that when he's not using it. I usually try to bury myself in either my stitching or a good novel. It just wasn't working very well today. I ended up loading one of the computer games and blowing stuff up for a while. Great stress relief LOL.

[Not Quitting]

So, H texted last night asking if he could call and speak to S13 before he went to bed. Wanted to wish him good luck on the first day back at school. After talking to S13, H asked him to pass the phone to me. The meeting that hasn't happened yet is about to happen. He wanted to meet up last night but I put him off as I had a bad headache and was going to bed early.

He has a meeting tonight but I've agreed to meet up with him afterwards for coffee. Going to stay away from the bars for this one. I've not got a good feeling about the topic of the meeting. I'm pretty sure he's going to say the trial separation is no longer a trial. I think I'm prepared for that but I know I'm going to be an emotional wreck again.

I'm trying to convince myself that I'm ready for this and that I've already accepted that he's giving up on our M but I really don't believe myself. It is not something I want and I fully intend to continue DBing. I am most certainly not ready to walk away from my M.

[TryingToDo180]

Hope the meeting goes well as it can for you NQ At least if he does say that he wants a permanent separation, you are prepared for it I know it's not easy and I feel for you You'll be ok, you're doing so well and you're a strong enough character to be able to cope with this You're sticking to sandi's rules well by keeping away from the bars, well done I'd forgotten that one, lol.

[Not Quitting]

( You'll be ok, you're doing so well and you're a strong enough character to be able to cope with this You're sticking to sandi's rules well by keeping away from the bars, well done I'd forgotten that one, lol.

I wish I was as convinced as you are TTD. I'm already an emotional wreck again, and the meeting with H isn't for several more hours. I'm sitting at work blinking back tears and trying hard to keep myself busy enough to not have time to think about my sitch. The fact I'm posting on here now should show how busy work is - not very.

As for keeping away from bars, never been a big fan of noisy, crowded bars so that one is an easy rule for me. Although I'm pretty sure a glass of wine or something stronger will be called for when I get back from meeting with H - LOL.

[TryingToDo180]

Sorry to hear that you're an emotional wreck at the mo NQ Hope the meeting will be ok (((((((hugs)))))))

[Not Quitting]

Sorry to hear that you're an emotional wreck at the mo NQ Hope the meeting will be ok (((((((hugs)))))))

Thanks for the hugs TTD, I really need them. I totally lost it last night and spent quite a while bawling my eyes out - in front of H.

I was right about the meeting. He's giving up, said "I love you but I can't live this life". He wants to tell S13 "man to man" on the weekend. The only good thing that came out of the meeting was that he finally agreed to pay child support. He's going to look at his budget and figure out when he can best afford to pay it. I've said either monthly or weekly whichever is best for him. Want to keep things friendly for the sake of S13.

I know that there was a time when he regretted divorcing XW1, and I (probably a mistake doing this) made a point last night of telling him that I'm not prepared to close the door yet. I repeated that this is not what I want and if he comes to realize the same then he can check whether that door is still open. He also said that right now separation is all he wants, not divorce.

I have no intention of stopping my DBing. I know that I'm not ready to give up on him yet regardless of how he feels. I still need to DB to ensure that I come out of this better and stronger.

[chl0901]

Hi NQ, sorry your meeting wasn't the best news. However, you seemed to handle it okay (even with the tears - I know I would have been emotional, too!). Keep up your PMA and 180s and being such a good mom to your S.

[Not Quitting]

Thanks Chlo901 for the support. Need all I can get right now.

I'm struggling with the PMA today, but I've decided to allow myself one day of pity party then I'm getting right back on track.