Today is a turning point in our r. We meet with the MC today at 3pm.
We plan to get h's feelings on the m then let him know about the dismissal.
I'm thinking positive! Here's some positives from this weekend:
1. He's happy to see us. Says hi to me, hugs the boys. 2. Takes us to dinner at a very nice restaurant. 3. Ask what we did Sunday on the drive over to restaurant (that's a first EVER!). 4. We ml. 5. He kissed me good-bye. 6. Actually let me stay in his apartment getting ready AFTER he left! 7. Agreed to meet with MC today!
I left the ball in h's court today but am at a loss as to what will be happening in the next couple of days.
My h started the session at the mc's prompting by stating that he's still on the fence. H thought to himself that he wants to make all these plans with me but is torn with the thought that 2 years down the road I'll refile and take half of everything so what is the point?
I was crushed but let him vent. The MC validated, validated said my h was feeling disrespected by my actions. I bit my tongue apologized to h and then told him I dismissed the d. I offered by love as a gift to him now and wanted to show him by dismissing the d that I was no longer going to manipulate him by pushing the d. He was extremely hesitant because h says he's seen me talk this way before.
The MC said to h that I was not offering him the old r but a chance at a new love. Then mc read some stats about d, pointed out to h the drawbacks of d, how harmful to us it would be, to our boys, to our finances, to our mental health etc. MC also used some books on d that were case studies of children 25 years after a d. MC also said that h should be encouraged by the changes in me cause he said they have been great in the past month.
H was also greatly pissed that I had sold 2 of his drills when I moved from the house. H said I had no right to sell anything and was now wondering what else of his I had gotten rid of! This after I found out about ow, h dating, h not wanting to see me, etc....come on. H said well she was not suppose to sale anything if she's talking about us maybe getting back togther why get rid of my things! MC said so h you are feeling insecure about finances. So we talked a bit about the drawbacks of after d finances and the risk of us staying m, joining finances. MC said your w has realized her mistake in filing for the d and is now making a promise to keep her wedding vows till death do you part...h said well she's said that before why is it different now?
MC said it is different now in that your w KNOWS what is wrong in the r and is willing to fix it! She's knows her job description. Then MC asked h if he know what his job duties as a h and father were? Did he want to know? No response to that.
MC said also past changes were done with nothing to go on. MC asked h if he agreed to that? That we needed a model or a coach to help us make the needed changes. H said he agrees that that may have been part of the problem with changes sticking. So MC said continued counseling will help our m. MC said you w has grown in realizing what kind of love you need and is offering that to you now.
We spent an hour together but nothing definite was said by my h other than he still did not know. I on the other hand left there just plain old depressed cause now I have no idea what h is going to do. The decision is totally up to him now. MC did say he hopes we choose love.
H did return my call though regarding my son's doctor appt. He met me half way to pick up son so they could spend the night together before doctor appt tomorrow am.
After leaving son I called h's apt knowing he was not there and let him know about son's homework and also that I loved them both (something casual like love ya'll) and let it go.
I so want to get angry though...like why am I taking all the blame here? Like this past year has been all ME? The MC made it seem like that or was he just validating? MC said that things like this happen when spouses get hurt feelings they react emotionally..he made sure to let h know it was because I was hurt that I filed. MC made sure to tell h that in the past 1.5 months I have grown goals that were all about me to ones that grew into wanting to be better for my m (not just me but us focused goals).
Oh, I just don't plain old know. Part of me feels so much better that the d is not hanging over my head that the decision is no longer mine. But I'm afraid h will turn around and hurt me by being vindicative towards me first by not helping me monetarily with the boys and then by filing.
H did say though during the session that 95% of the time what I think h will do is wrong! so we'll see.
Cindy, What SOLUTIONS did your MC offer up to the both of you? Is your MC familiar with Michele and her teachings? I have asked these questions on a number of threads. If the MC is not familiar with DBing then perhaps you may wish to find one who is.
I am currently VERY disenchanted with C. due to the one we had not being a MC and doing nothing more than allowing us to vent the negatives in our lives, validating, and just letting us talk when we CLEARLY said that we had no communication skills. No solutions. None not one.
Please address this with your MC before your next session, and see how with goals and solution based information your R can possibly turn around.
The MC is solution based. MC used this time to give us info on d, really lay it on the line with h how d should not be an option but if it is it will be his option...I am no longer for d but will take a stand for the m. This session was only for that...h has to think on it and decide if he wants to continue mc.
If we should meet again then we will discuss goals individually with mc. MC wants goals and expectations for each of us, the other spouse and the mc then we will develop a plan on how to achieve our goals.
H has to decide to come back though is the deal. Come back willing to continue working on the m.
Last week he did say he was willing to keep trying. This week he is back to not knowing if he wants to keep trying.
After this session, h has lots to think about I suspect. I'll just back off and give him some time.
I think it will help the situation a lot now that the d is no longer a threat. I'm just sad that my expression of remorse was not met with more loving open arms. He just said he forgives me but finds it hard to forget.
Does he not remember that I forgave him his ow and have NOT mentioned that???? since it happened in April...almost a year!!! Gosh what a double standard!
It's hard to hold back the anger at how all about him it continues to be.
I cry now with frustration at how unheard my anguish over the whole situation is really!!!! I hurt bad and dread just talking to him...it so awful when we have r talks. He's so sees me as a snake in the grass. How do I dispel this vision of his?
No, it wasn't ideal. But your H saw your commitment by dropping the D, and was told what you're doing to save your marriage. I love the fact the MC then put everything into his lap - make him see what he has to do to save your marriage.
Like you've said, he's got a lot to think about now. Give him time, let him ponder. Remember how long it took you to decide to change, and imagine how tough it must be to have it thrown in your face.
Plus, things have been going well. This is nothing more than a speed bump - feels rocky, slows you down, but has to be gone over correctly.
Cindy the answer to your question lies in what your H said. You are obviously a more trusting and forgiving person. And that is OK. Going for a D is a HUGE blow to anyone. And THAT is something that can be VERY hard to come back from. He COULD be thinking as he said that you will do it to him again. That the first time he says or does something wrong you will run for the court.
You still have hope. He showed up for MC. POSITIVE. He is floundering on his decision and resolve. Positive.
The fact that your decision to end the D was not met with more loving and excitment is a MINOR thing in the grand scheme of things. It is MAJOR to you though and that is important. But please keep in mind that he is scared right now. Apprehensive. And also could be testing you to see if any changes you have made are real, or if they are just changes for now but will stop once he is back in the house.
As far as him coming back, have you ever had a dog that ran away for several days but ended up coming home a bit beat up, but came home? Keep in mind that men are Dogs. We KNOW where we eat. And usually will do everything in our power to get back home. You are in a GREAT position right now and the one MAIN thing that can mess it up is YOU. Just chill for now. Go off the radar unleass he pops up. You would/could be surprised. In your sitch I wouldn't suggest going dark. But more like GREY.
What you said is great. Back off him. Break contact and continue mission. See if he goes to the next session. It hurts to be in the place that you are in right now, but for now in the interest of saving your M suck it up and drive on. Find strength and solace(SP) in the fact that there is action and you seem to be in the hands of a good MC.
But hell what do I know about any of this? I can't even get my W. to really even WANT to talk to me.
Cindy