pay no mind to the demons; they fill you w/fear

[RosaLinda]

I'm sorry you don't feel well Rose. Is it all the stress do you think? Your poor S18, what a spot to be in, not good enough for a pass to the fair but H wants to use his discount. Poor kid, that must have hurt.

Is the $5,000 difference in the appraisal in your favor or H's?

[Whiterose]

Hi Linda
Yes. My Crohn's is raging due to the stress and the fact it is ALL on me. H seems to forget he goes to work and then does as he pleases and I am doing everything else while running a business and a home.

So a few things have happened in the last 24 hours.

I have been working into. 10-11:30 every night and yesterday was a long day but I was feeling good. S18 came home from work and he was upset from the get go. It just escalated. I told him I'm tired too and work long hours but am watching my temper and he needs to as well. He says that I'm always being nosy and that my situation is always worse, something H used to say to me, I kept calm but became upset. I eventually went to my room to cry and hang out before I had to leave to tear down an event at 12:30am. I snapped a few orders and sent S14 to bed at 11 and the boys saw I was upset. This morning they tried engaging me but I was firm on chores that needed to be done and some redone as they were incomplete (mowing the lawn) Eventually I asked S18 if they really thought I wasn't doing enough or a good enough job. He said no. He understands I'm doing the best I can, I'm crying now, telling him I understand I'm not his dad but I'm really trying He apologized saying he was stressed at work and shouldn't have taken it out on me. It was a good conversation. Just after it ended he said H was messGing him to go for coffee. I asked if it was just him or his brother too and he said just him. He then said he's been trying to hold him off. I asked why. He said he doesn't want to see his dad that he's angry. I said if you don't want to go you don't have to go. He said he doesn't want to push dad further. I said if you want to go then go if you don't want to go don't go. I said he has all the power here as its about him and his brother and not about me and H. I said no one has taken H to task for his actions and he thinks things Are fine. S answered his dad he's not in a place to see H as he's upset. H asked if it was with him (DUHHHH) S said yes H said OK. Then do you want to talk about it? (S is telling me with each message I'm not asking) I said do you want to talk to him about it? Are you ready or no? S said he didn't want to. H said before you listen to other people hear me out. I was so upset. I said your dad thinks your anger is new. He refuses to acknowledge you've been upset this entire time and now is trying to blame me. I said H needs to understand that this has been going on since he left and should be talking to the boys. Then S said that he thinks H thinks he has talked to him over the years because while driving together over the years H has said he loves me but doesn't agree with me, didn't know how long he'd stay, etc. I was furious. I confirmed what I had heard. I then told S it was NEVER H's place to say things like thAt to him. If he had issues he should have told me. Then went onto say if he has issues with his uncle (my BIL) he talks to him. If he has a problem with my dad he needs to talk to him. That H needs to stop going through S and go to the source S had to go to work so I left it with of you want to keep talking to your dad about it you can if you don't just let him know you're not in a place to keep talking.
Half hour later I get an email. About the house....any progress. I went into action. I packed up remaining clothes, shoes, some photos, his baby stuff, a few things here and there. Boxed/bagged them and left them in the greenhouse at the end of the driveway. I responded like this

"The co-signers and I are working in financing. I hope to have some answers in a few weeks.
I am answering you directly re:taxes. This tax season I had to pay as well.
I've started to pack some of your personal items and clothing. There is stuff for you in the greenhouse, at the end of the driveway, for you to pick up"

H's response
"So not sure how you think that is ok to leave my stuff in the green house.. I also need to pick up the remainder of my tools and some furniture including a TV and my audio equipment unless you plan keeping them and we can agree on a fait value. I hope none of my personal belongings get stolen from the green house I do not want to have to make an insurance claim to replace everything."

My response
"Your stuff is available for pick up after work at your convenience"

H's response
"What would you like me to pick up?"

My response
"Clothes, shoes and personal items"

H's response
"I'm not sure who gave you the advice to place my stuff outside but I guess it's what you chose so we need to sort stuff out because I will be requesting items from the home again and will not be signing any paper work for thé home until you send on all the paper work that has been requested.. I have sent in everything you asked for you should be doing the same if you there is still a lot to go through.‎"

I did not respond. His stuff has been picked up

I know I DB'd all wrong but I needed his stuff out and was so angry at how he's treating the boys We're his lotto win. Doesn't matter who he hurts. I'm so disgusted with him

[job]

WR,
The next time he mentions picking things up from the home, request a list of the items. Be sure to photograph whatever he gets. Document that he has picked up his personal items. If you don't request a list, he will continue to come back and want more items.

Do not have any more conversations w/him about refinancing. Let your lawyer do his/her work. He's trying to aggravate you and push you into doing something you don't want. He can wait a few more weeks for news. He's a miserable individual and he didn't have to contact you over a holiday weekend, but that's the way they are about such things.

Be sure you photograph and document everything he takes from the home. Documentation is very important when you are dealing w/angry spouses who want the world.

I hope you are feeling better soon. The stress will send you into a tailspin and cause your health issues to flare up even more so. Try to step back just a bit...you are doing great and everything will come together soon.

[Whiterose]

Hi Snodderly
Oh he gave me a list, through his lawyer, wanting some of the most expensive items in the house. He'll have to wait for the leather recliners, tv, stero etc I gave him his clothes and shoes that he had left here as well as a photo album his mom gave him of baby pics, some of his baby stuff, and a few other things like that It was his stuff that i have no interest to. I didn't photograph it but that is a good idea. There's more stuff here so ill do that for next time

I'm feeling strange today. Part of me is glad I did it an part of me worries he'll get angrier, although what more can he do to us?, not sure how I feel right now.

[Whiterose]

My sister phoned me today to tell me my parents, still in Italy, have reconsidered and will no longer co-sign my mortgage for me. I can stay with them until I get my money and then find a new place to live

You know that moment you feel dead and someone kicks you again....yeah, I'm there

[Portia]

WR,

I am so sorry that you are having a lousy weekend. I can absolutely understand how your stress level is peaking.

I am going to try my hand at some advice here but take what you need and toss the rest, OK? I am so aware that we don't get the full picture here.

I agree with Snodderly's last post with regard to property, etc. if anything he requests is family property, that is for your lawyer to handle especially if he really starts to get nasty. For example, get him to send the list directly to your lawyer.

Now, WR it is time to try to stop vibrating. Being in a dark room with soothing music playing very very softly worked for me. If your thoughts run to your situation then let them. The more you try to force them away the more (in my experience anyway) they are harder to chase away. Try to look at things in a calmer way. You are in full reaction mode right now which will not serve you well.

Your first concern is your home. Would that be the kind of message that your parents would give you through your sister? Should you talk to them directly? If they promised they would co-sign and have changed their minds you deserve to hear it from them. Small steps. Confirm this information. I believe you mentioned before that you would not be able to keep your house without co-signers so they should realize how important to you this decision is.

Once you get your answer, then take a deep breath and get out your favourite pen and writing pad and list all of your options. Even if the answer is yes it may not be a practical thing to stay in your house for financial reasons. I can sympathize with how very difficult it must be to face not only this stranger but the potential loss of your home. But like it or not the business side of things must be taken care of by you.

Stop reacting to him. Always wait at least three hours or longer before replying. Come here to post your potential replies. Not because you are insecure but because posting here can help you calm down and stop reacting. Be in control. He is trying to take that from you so he is trying to force you to react. Don't react. I know that is easier said than done but it is worth it for your own sake. Be in control.

Lastly, I can recall BRNR who only posts once in a while now going through some difficult times with relating to her kids. They were both a little younger than yours. Golfmom gave her some really good guidance. You might find reading her last threads helpful.

I hope that helped, if nothing more than to know that someone is on your side and you are not alone in this.

[Whiterose]

Hi Portia
Yes, I haven't handed any family property over. Just his clothes and stuff. He did take a lion's share of the tools when he left so we'll see what happens with that.

I can't seem to get time to do that Portia. Between the kids and the business and the financials I need to get done for the lawyer I'm on constant "on". I have to say I'm not really reacting to anything though, I don't think I am, I have remained pretty even keeled. I'm more internalizing than anything else.

He messaged me today, after I talked to my sister, asking me to nicely wrap and mail him his French citiizenship documentation. I responded with "what pApers?" And he responded with "the ones that were in the filing cabinet". What I wanted to say was you can come get your own fn paperwork I'm not wrapping and mailing anything for you I'm not your anything. But what I said is "I'm not sure what you need but are welcome come and get it" ......I don't think that was bad-do you?

I will look up brnr's posts. Thank you!!

[RosaLinda]

Boy oh boy Rose, when it rains it pours. I'm sorry your folks changed their minds. I agree with Portia that you should talk to them. How did your sister get this information to relay to you, yet they did not call you? Strange.

I'm sorry your H seems to be mired in that angry stage again. Why in the world does he feel that HE is entitled to the TV, couches, etc? Don't you have to split up your Marital property 50-50? And isn't the division of marital property something something that needs to be agreed upon in the settlement? Snodderly's idea to take photos of anything he takes or you pack up for him is a good one.

Despite taking his frustration with his dad and job on you (a normal reaction even for people who aren't stressed out by a MLCer!) I think your S18 is doing pretty well at expressing himself. Better to get all that frustration out instead of holding it inside. How is S14 doing lately? He's the quiet one who holds it all in.

That text message session between S18 and your H shows how delusional H is. Do I understand you correctly that, your S told you that during drives for YEARS, your H has told him that he loves you but did not know how long he can stay with you??!! Totally inappropriate.

Hang in there my friend!

[Whiterose]

Thank you Linda.
My dad called my sister to tell her. It would seem I didn't handle it as well as they'd have liked. I was supposed to be "sure, no worries". My husband left me less than five months ago and now my parents who said they would sign are not signing and I have to tell my boys all their dreams are gone.....I'm so sorry I was angry and upset.

H is out for whatever he can get, or the cash of course, he just seems to stew in his anger constantly. Between his anger and my family, and some friends, thinking I should be so happy about all of this (or grateful) I'm kinda done with them all. I'm trying to see glass half full but since BD it seems there's always more stuff I need to do, process, feel.

Yes, you understood correctly Linda. He's been having this conversation with S18 for a while. S14 is still quiet. He's been sleeping in my bed a few nights a week for the last few weeks. I'm not sure how I'm going to tell them we can't stay here. I'll probably have to move far enough out S14 will have to change schools and both of them will move further away from friends. I'm dreading the conversation. It gives me attacks just thinking about it

[kml]

You know, I'm not sure if this is done in Canada, but here in the US a common solution is for the wife to keep the house until the youngest child is 18 (sometimes with wife carrying the mortgage payments, sometimes splitting the house expenses) and then the house is sold when that child turns 18 and the profits are split at that time.

Ask your attorney about this. I know your H wouldn't like it because he doesn't get immediate cash, but if the alternative is moving the boys, he might relent.

Also - it's not your parents' job to take on risky mortgage debt for you. It's too bad that they promised you and reneneged, but it is probably a sound financial decision for them to make.

As for moving - would it be possible for you to rent for a while in your area until the kids finish school, and then buy something in a more remote area? Make the best financial decision for YOU long-term, but consider all the options.