Blowing in the wind....

[RosaLinda]

Thanks for your thoughts, WillBWell. Your kindness means a lot to me.

Portia "Nero, Linda, just remember the basic tenant of DBing is that it feels counterintuitive. The challenge is that they do fault us for caring. Say goodbye to your H with the strength that he does not have. Who knows, he might surprise you and hug you!"

uR "...the thing is this - he is going away to be with another woman. So, why would you say anything like what you want to say to him? Remember the holding onto the pants leg analogy? His choice, this trip. His consequences. Leave him to them.
You make sure you are looking good and act as if you have better things to do than ask him to call you to let you know he got there, ok?"

Thanks girls. I promise not to grab onto H's pants leg and beg! I will be strong and beautiful and show him what he will be missing lol! It won't be hard to act distracted, as I will be leaving for my surgery around the same time H will be leaving for the airport. Maybe I WILL get a hug out of the deal, merely for show if nothing else, because his mom will be there watching him with her suspicious eagle eye, but I'm not counting on it.

Bright "It looks like RT is not that interested to have him next to her all the time, hehe. Apartment 2 hours away from her work… Unless she is taking time off work, I don’t understand this potential arrangement. It also means that he will have to travel for 2 hours each way to do any kind of sightseeing. I know from personal experience how tiring it can be in big city like Moscow."

I don't understand why RT found H a flat so far from Moscow proper either Bright, because H told me RT just got a new job after being unemployed for a couple of months (her boss was thrown in jail!) and cannot take time off from work. He told me she will be staying in her own flat, not with him (that may or may not be a lie ) and didn't sound at all sad about having to be on his own most of the time.

I think H might have been balking at paying $1,100 to rent the flat in Moscow proper, which he says is about a month's salary over there. It took him ages to earn the money he's using for the trip, it's a lot of money to him.

"He is angry because the trip is getting closer and the fantasy is slowly turning into the reality for dealing with practical matters of this trip. I think he is cooking nicely…"

It's his dream (for the past 4 years anyway) come true. I know it is going to change him, not sure how, but a person cannot live in another culture like that for a whole month and stay the same. It bothers me that I will never know how and why he changes, I'll just see the outside manifestations. I hope it opens his eyes to RT's true personality and motives, but even if it does, that is no guarantee he'll ever want me back

Isn't the fall just the best time of year, DMR and Betsey? Surely September and October are the nicest months to marry. Happy anniversary, the anniversary of happier times, of the best time, to the two of you, and to me too. Thanks Bets, I'll try to be happy and remember the 34 good years and 2 wonderful sons.

Gee Bets, remind me not make plans to travel the same time as you; you seem to attract political turmoil I'm not a bit worried about going to London, shoe bombers and all, and what my H is worried about is that he won't be allowed into Russia or that his trip will be cut short. Our S27 just told me yesterday he hopes his dad's visa will be revoked or something. I hope not, and that he finally gets the chance to get this trip and maybe the Russian Whore out of his system.

Nero "just remember- whether we're with them or they are a long gone memory- you'll still be standing and alive and have recaptured your total lindaness & be okay..... mee too and dawn too, whatever it ends up turning out to be - who
could ever know now...

have you been watching any public tv shows about martin luther king and march on washington fifty year anniversary??? it reminds me of the terrible sitch here in usa a mere fifty or so years ago- unthinkable- yet, true... one of these days- we too will belooking BACK at this all- no kidding- our own little personal tragedies and triumphs - nothing comes without a struggle - does it... who knew???"

Thanks Nero! I hope it does not take us 50 years, but agree that in the end we will recapture our essential beings and end up on our feet, whole and sane, with or without our Hs. My fondest hope is to end up like rH or Sandi2 or MrBond.

In fact thinking of Sandi2 made me remember something I read on her thread, and I went and looked it up. She was trying to decide whether to stay and work on her marriage or to leave with her OM, and wrote: "I can't help but wonder if that is my once in a lifetime chance at true hapiness."

I wonder if this is what my H thinks, if this is why he is going to Russia. That the Tramp is his once in a lifetime chance for happiness. Sometimes I feel so positive about my sitch, that he will wake up and love me again someday, and sometimes I just know that this is the end of the line for me.

Well either way Nero, we will end up whole and sane, right?

[RosaLinda]

I have a question - my H is in a fog a lot of the time, walks past me without noticing me, does not hear when I talk to him etc. I figure it's from his MLC. Will this continue in Moscow or can MLCers turn this on and off?

[Notlikingthis]

RL,

I agree with everyone else. Tell him to "travel safe" and leave it at that. Don't worry, he will be thinking of you even if he doesn't contact you while he's gone. Having said that, I have to say that a month is a long time to be away from the person that you've spent 38 years of your life with. Even teenagers that go to camp miss their family! LOL

You have seen what has happened in my sitch over the past year. From frequent trips to visit the ow to talking her into moving here to talk of separation. 2 days later, h claims that he's looking forward to being rid of the ow. Of course, time will tell but it's a beginning.

You have come so far and just like the rest of us you will be a success story in one way or another no matter what happens!

Well wishes on your surgery RL. I haven't been reading here much so I've missed the date of your surgery. Is it this week?

[nero]

hey linda-

hope you're holdng on okay- d-day rite? me, i just say goodbye- my h gives me a hug and kiss (neutral - & watered down) on the lips!! i can never figure why the heck he bothers - i don't respond hugely - really- i don't stop him tho- i do give him the hairy eyeball - you know, a sort of wtf - i may be over you buddy look - .

idk- maybe with all the "counterintuitive" stuff everyone says- i should be glomming onto him - it feels wrong - i remain calm & detached and amazed - each time.

i always think (for me) it may be the last time i see him under any kind of "normal" circumstance. i just don't trust either of us- or the sitch- of his creation. it always feels final- never has quite been just yet- who knows about this proposed arrival-

til our lives are settled with these schmos - we'll feel like this i think- delicate. can we mask it- sure - it's hard but i think we're both doing it -

it's a crapshoot i think- allllllll of it. every single f'ing thing (well, in life i guess as well)...

be linda- I hope all is well with you today - best of luck - xxoo

[uRworthy]

My sweet friend, I know you are so worried and upset about this upcoming trip. And I so get that.

The thing is this. Worrying is not going to change anything except you.

It keeps you stuck in a place of despair. It saps your energy.

He is going on this trip. You do not have any control over that.

But you do have control over you. When you stay upset, it gives him and her power. I want you to take back yours.

You are a wonderful, capable woman.

Believe in you.

When you do, he sees it. When you do, you feel differently.

I dont want you to do this for him. I want you to do it for you.

But, who do you want him to see when he leaves? What image of you do you want him to remember when he thinks of you and home?

Be that person.

Remember what I always say: "Worrying has not affect on the outcome. But moving forward, making changes and detaching, can."

You can do this, Rosa. I know it without a single doubt.

[uRworthy]

should read....worrying has not affect on the outcome. My fingers are not working so well today.

[uRworthy]

and apparently either is my brain. LOL~!

I will try this one more time.

Worrying has no affect on the outcome. There. Sheesh.

[RosaLinda]

thanks for checking in NLT and Nero, my surgery and desertion are both scheduled for Wednesday. I'm okay really, thanks. I keep getting these fleeting spells of despair, but most of the time feel strong and sort of relieved that H will be leaving. It boggles my mind that he is acting so loving and kind and NORMAL, as if he is leaving to go visit a relative or something on Wednesday, and wants to know all the details of my surgery and trip. It is very disconcerting in a way.

Thank you very much for your post uR. You always know the right thing to say to buck me up and get me back on track. I will not let H see that I am upset and that I will miss him. I will be calm and lovely and let him have a wonderful positive image of me as he leaves. You are right about worrying, all it accomplishes is wasting time and never ever can affect anything except our own stress levels and health. Thanks uR, thanks so much.

And uR, I read your first post exactly as you wanted it to read, that worrying has no affect on the outcome, my brain skipped the word not Isn't that strange?

[RosaLinda]

I was just doing a search online to learn the average length infatuation lasts, and came across the following information. Very strange in a way, because it the page does not mention 'infatuation" which is what I was searching for, and does talk about MLC, which I was not searching for. This is where I think rH is today, and is my prayer for all of us Standers. Let's all learn to dance in the rain!

"This is the third honeymoon where you are united in the deepest way possible, a true uniting of souls. If the couple have worked through the previous stages there is now a deep intimate friendship based on trust, honesty and respect.

When the couple have guided and supported each other through any midlife crises they have generally made it. Now they are full, complete mature both as individuals and as a couple.

You are now secure in each other. Accept each other and are each other’s best friends. Short of external problems you have no major problems ahead. You have learned not to take your frustrations, irritations and tensions out on your spouse. You have made it through the best of times and the worst of times. You know how to meet each other’s needs, and recognise when one of you is upset about something and you have the experience to know how to handle it and if necessary, work around it. Yonger couples can look up to this couple and get relationship tips from their lifelong bonding experiences together.

You trust each other with a deeper trust than ever before. The love, affection and trust you feel for each other You are relaxed and comfortable with each other. There is a warm serene glow from the warmth of mature calm Love.

A good solid relationship needs a few ingredients to start with, and then it needs to be properly taken care of and nurtured to make all the ingredients come together.

Maturing together with each other and developing a deep lifelong bond as soul mates.

this is what life and Love is all about!

Love is revitalizing and energizing and is long lasting; Love endures.

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass,
it's about learning how to dance in the rain"

[reachingHigher]

That made me cry! Thanks for posting it!