Me- LBS or WAS?

[littleGTO]

Tori,I am ready to back up and see what will happen.

Spent last night at cute guy's house--lots of kissing & things could have easily progressed much further, but he was very clear and respectful of my boundaries, so it did not.

What I am ready for ... cute guy & I texted today and he suggested that our boundaries change to "no physical" to which I agreed. It made me very sad, though. We agreed to keep things simple and just be friends.

Because our friendship has been flirty for a while I don't know what, if anything, it will evolve to. But, I do know that the "fire" that I've been playing with has been snuffed. I respect him for putting this out there. It is what I needed.

So, where does that leave me?? I don't know. I know it leaves me desiring to be emotionally and physically close to someone again who will love me back.

completelylost, thank you for rooting for me in my situation. And, thank you for sharing your history with me.

leftcoast & PM- Thanks for the 2x4's. But to be clear, I do not know if I am still in this to save my M. I was ready to move forward with D 3 weeks ago, but things happened with H and his OW and now I have started a new job, circumstancially things are on hold for a while.

I dropped the rope a while ago & was trying to navigate my road forward. But, you are all right, cute guy is/was not the answer--as a friend, yes, but not as a "friends with benefits of kissing."

Thanks for hitting me gently over and over on the head until I just got it this morning... trying to get back on track--whatever that is!!!

[AnotherStander]

Still, for me sex=emotionally involvement, so 2 things will happen at once...I would have expectations that would not be met by cute guy and my feelings would progress quickly to more than just what they are now. Don't think cute guy would progress in the feelings dptmt in the same way. So yeah, sex (while it would be amazing, I think (based on the incredible kissing-ooo,la-la!) the emotional after-effects would NOT be worth it).

Turtle, my comments were just to make sure you knew where this might go and I'm confident you've thought a lot about it based on your responses, so go for it I wish we could sit down and chat over coffee (well it would be diet Dr. Pepper in my case because I hate coffee ) because I've been in an R for a few months that's a lot like yours with cute D'd guy. I can verbalize things much quicker than I can type them out because I can use my hands and facial expressions to communicate (yeah, I'm one of those people ). It's a very unusual R, I've never been in one like it before but from talking to others it's becoming more common these days as people abandon traditional R's in favor of something more flexible. Younger people in particular seem to think this is the wave of the future. No one has much hope in traditional marriage these days (with a 50% divorce rate why would they) and they're seeking other paths. Anyway, I wish you the best, you exude a lot of strength and confidence here and I really enjoy your posts!

[AnotherStander]

cute guy & I texted today and he suggested that our boundaries change to "no physical" to which I agreed. It made me very sad, though. We agreed to keep things simple and just be friends.

I remember having a similar convo with a GF a long, long time ago, later we ended up buying a house together and then getting married for 20 years I think he was/ is testing you to see how serious your boundaries are.

[JuneReN]

Hey Turtle, how was work??

Time to have the convo with H when he brings up moving back as "roommates".

Remind him that you were set to go forward with divorce as late as last month. Ask him what has changed for him, what he wants. Tell him what you want. At least then maybe your path will be a bit clearer in the near future.

[labug]

labug- H has mentioned the over-involvement in activities for 2 years now...just about the beginning of his MLC. But, yes, he and I have always disagreed about the number of activities the boys are in. So, that has caused some resentment on his part (as we allowed them to get involved to my liking,not his).

But, everyone we know has the same kind of lifestyle--not to say that it is right or wrong. It just IS. That's part of the reason the "we" of our marriage got lost. Married was always secondary to family.

So what does this mean?

Not many things just "are" they are what they are because we make choices.

Why do you say MLC? Maybe he's depressed. I think MLC is way overused but that's another story. I'm not excusing the affair at all but did you and he ever have a serious conversation about what the issues he raised? Talk a about compromises? Work as a team?

This rings a bell for me because my H brought up issues, I paid them lip service, then went about my merry way until he was tired of his needs being ignored and said "eff it, I'm gone!"

And he was. And it hurt a lot of people, especially my sons. I have 50% of that squarely on my shoulders.

We can't go back and change things but we can be different from this day forward.

Just to clarify, I'm not saying I think you should stay with your marriage, I don't know that but would like to see you figure out you, it's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

[littleGTO]

AS- It is nice to have someone in the same boat...in terms of what we've gone through/ are going through. I'm glad you understand me.

I don't think cute guy is testing me though. I'm quite sure he would have loved to "break the boundaries" and would gladly do so if/when I changed my mind! My worry is that my boundaries aren't as "solid" as I think they are...so probably good we are backing off.

However, I thought about this & wondered what if we had been intimate and he texted me the same "let's just be friends--keep it simple." Right now I would be feeling SO MUCH WORSE.

I am sad that he may not want to continue a friendship at all, as I'm not sure in his mind if a late-night invite would be too tempting. I guess that I'll have to wait and see. Also, maybe it's best if we didn't have contact for a while.

ruby- H & I had a discussion when he came back from LLWS with boys after his suggestion of moving back in "as platonic roommates" to "save the family." I said, "No, that for me to live together again the marriage would have to repaired first."

He seems to want our family life to resume more normally but has made NO remarks regarding wanting to save our R. Case in point...he wanted to drive to his sister's together today for a visit (1 1/2hr drive) to be a family for S9's bday.

I texted him, "You seem to want the family without the M which is the foundation of the family. Without the foundation we are not a family in the same way. It is really not about my comfort level (driving together)...it is about what you've chosen."

I know the last part was not DBing, but if he is thinking of cake-eating (having his family together, but not the M) then I want him to be clear this is NOT going to happen. I'm not okay with this at all.

Some of you might think is a door for him to start to walk through toward the M. I do not. He has to show some interest and work toward wanting to save our M before I will allow him to believe that the family can exist in the same way w/o the M.

bug- You are right that we have made choices for the boys to be involved in the activities we have. Over time this has worn on H. He hated being the chauffeur (sp?) & still complains about it. Do I own the fact that I overruled his complaints about overinvolvement--yes, I do.

BUt, last fall I gave him full reign to decide what the boys would/ would not be involved in and HE LET THEM DO THE EXACT SAME ACTIVITIES AS BEFORE!! SO, ...????

[littleGTO]

AS, would love to have face-to-face "diet Dr. Pepper" some time as I think we have a lot of similarities in our sitch's and our thoughts at times.

R U anywhere in NE??

[labug]

Why are you yelling at me?

[littleGTO]

bug- I wasn't yelling at you. I was just venting my frustrations at his repeated complaints, yet when given the opportunity, he didn't change any of what he complained about.

Sorry if it felt that it was directed at you....so not what I meant to do!

[tori2012]

GTO, you're making good progress by better defining what's next with the neighbor.

Your H? Maybe he says he just wants the family together bc he doesn't want to give you hope of R, but he might've given this some thought. He might want to see how he feels and then decide whether he wants to stay w you. We don't really know what's going on in his head, but this is a possibility.

I would focus on deciding whether you want to save the M or not, and in the meantime, being kind to your H while explaining that you two still need to be apart until you've both figured out what you want.

You're dealing with hurt and anger, and all the other feelings that come from an A. It's not easy...I know it firsthand. ((((((((((()))))))))))))