Confused and Lost

[25yearsmlc]

Stand strong because right now she will make you feel like cr@p.

I had to call into work today as I feel into a deep depression today. I slept in my daughter's bed last night by myself (daughter slept with wife) when my wife came into the room at around 4 am. She told me that she was getting closer to me and that she was ready to start giving me a chance but that I blew it by invading her privacy. I should have validated but instead I tried to defend. She told me that she thought I had changed but I am the same person who throws things in her face.

All or most of this ^^ sounds true. YOU must do better. Stop staring at HER flaws & work SOLELY on yours. I mean it. You achieve Nothing by criticizing her, except to validate her reasons for wanting Out!



My wife was just a kid when she saw her father kill her mom in front of. Growing up she was mentally abused by her uncle and various family members.


This ^^^^ is HUGE!! Do NOT minimize that horrendous trauma!

Has she gotten IC for that? Good God almighty...


This morning she told me that she was paranoid that someone was going to kill her (she was literally in tears) and that when I invaded her privacy by looking at text messages, snooping, etc that she felt violated.


I understand this. Sounds as if you do not. You need to wrap your brain around HER POINT OF VIEW ASAP.

It's called Empathy.

I need to see a whole lot more from you, and I bet She does too.



She then told me that she and OM tell each other they love each other because she is so screwed up that she needs to hear someone tell her that so she doesn't commit suicide. She told me that she goes to work crying and that OM is just a friend that is helping her get through. I didn't do a good job validating and she got upset at me.


So, you blew it again...yikes. You are running out of chances.

She text me several hours later asking if I wanted to go to lunch with her. I did but I wish I didn't. She acted like she didn't want to be there and I brought up the topic of the relationship (I know, bad DBing on my part). I need to come ready to talk about something pleasant, etc. Needless to say, I don't think she will be inviting me out to lunch anytime soon.

WOW...is this ^^^ strike 3 or 4 or what?? Good grief! Learn and change!!



At home she was distant, cold and I could tell she didn't want to be in the same room as me.

Do you blame her?


I spent most of today crying, throwing up and so depressed that I couldn't really move much, just laying on the bed. I feel like I am going crazy. I know what I heard and read.

No you don't. You are far too selective in what you choose to focus on. I cannot believe you never even mentioned her traumatic experiences as a child, which DO RELATE to your M issues, until now!

That is what you skim over because our pride and ego are wounded. Honestly I am very frustrated with you now. I feel you are not seeing the forest for the trees. Her background and depression and emotional issues are of grave concern.

Clearly however, you are MUCH MORE interested in the A because your pain is Your priority.

She has one of the few decent excuses for crazy behavior AND she says she wants to change those.

But you want to keep harping on her sins and Your victim hood. Its self centered and

You do this misdirected focus, at your peril.



How can my wife tell me that telling OM she loves him and misses him, wants to be with him, etc is just her way of coping with her issues. How can she not see that wanting to sneak out or planning road trips with OM is not appropriate. Am I wrong here? I feel like I am losing it.

You both need professional help. She has been thru hell.

You keep wanting to make this about the affair, or whatever it is. But that lets you off the hook, which is probably why you harp so much on HER choices.

Geez, Do you ever wonder why it took her so long to seek solace in someone else's arms? She has been so patient with you, but four months of pain IN you makes you want to bolt. See any double syandards here?

Ever give her a little credit for sticking out TWO lousy marriages to you, only to see you revert again?

Please get some intensive T, and attend Retrovaille if she is willing.

Meanwhile, you MUST LEARN TO STFU.
NO discussion of her R with OM helps you right now.

I will repeat that^^^ for emphasis...

NO DISCUSSION OF OM HELPS YOU RIGHT NOW.

So stop all of it and work on you.

Your behavior played a role in her choices.

YOUR BEHAVIOR IS ALL YOU CONTROL. Do you get that?

IF you really want to reduce the odds of her repeating the A behavior, then CHANGE YOU.
Shaming her won't work. It's not kind or loving and It also plays into her view and fear of you.

wow, It must trigger so many emotions in her.


I understand her feeling violated about my snooping. I get that. How can she not get that what she and OM tell each other is detrimental to the marriage and is just as hurtful as me snooping. She told me doing lunch that she is not even close to wanting to go on dates with me and is so disgusted with me that she has lost all trust (make to square one).

I felt so low this morning and still do. I just want to quit school and just go to therapy all day. Unfortunately I got a full scholarship and if I quit I pretty much forfeit it - Arrrh. I honestly began to question whether I was going nuts. Maybe she is not having an emotional affair is one of the thoughts I kept thinking. But then how can she and OM tell each other those things if she wasn't and act like its okay.

I don't know if I can be in this in the long haul. I feel like 4 months of DBing just went down the drain and now it will take at least 8 months just to get back to where I was last week. I can't keep living like this. This emotional distress is going to get me fired or send me to a psych unit or something. I know I am stronger than this. This is my crucible. You reap what you sow - so this is my just punishment I guess.

I lack the time to write more. But I hope you can change your view point ASAP.

I read your whole thread...you are beginning to get amnesia about why you are in this position. That's a dangerous development.

But you can change if you want. Decide if you want to be happy, Or do you want to be "right"?

And remember this too:

Holding onto anger to punish someone else,

Is like lighting yourself on fire....to get smoke in their eyes.

Your anger hurts YOU the most, by far.