Taking A Stand; What's my Position?

[Mimi00]

I guess I have a dead thread; maybe it's a sign I should stop seeking answers from people to help me along.

I'm tired of my entire situation at this point.

Today I broke my no contact and send H a text with a link to a youtube video I came across randomly last night. My text said:

"Good morning, I watched this video and learned something; thought I'd share it with you. It's not on the topic it appears to be" (the group that uploaded it was a marriage group, so I wanted him to know there's no talk about marriage in the clip once he said the name of the group)


*The video was about negative habits we pick up from our parents that we need to recognize, forgive our parents for, and choose to not continue. Also things from our past that we saw our parents do or negative experiences we went through that cause use to say things like "I will never be that.... I will never experience that hurt.... I will never...." The speaker compared it to a drunk man trying to get on a horse. On one side of the horse are your parents/past experience and you are so extreme "never wanting to be that/feel that again" you try to jump on the horse but totally miss the mark and end up on the other side of the horse. Neither of you meet the goal. When watching I was reminded of my H. The week of BD he mentioned how badly his mother hurt his dad (by become an addict, abandoning the family, cheating on him) and H told me, though I have not caused him even the smallest percentage of hurt that his mom caused his dad, he will not even accept the small hurts I do cause. He will not be hurt like his father was.
The horse story was so on target to what H is doing, he thinks he's doing his life a favor by "never experiencing the hurt" that his father went through, but running away from our marriage, he didn't land on the horse, he's on the other side of the horse staring right back at his father and mother on their side. Fixing nothing, continuing a cycle of hurt.*


I sent the text at 7 am my time, haven't heard anything back.
Now I'm regretting breaking my "no contact" by sending it....
Now I'm worried he took it the wrong way....
I saw he took $200 out of our joint savings and I think crap, what if the video caused him to file the paper work and that's what the $200 is for? lol I know I'm probably being ridiculous.

But, this is so annoying.

I really hate my life right now
I know it's up to me to change that.
I know whatever changes I make will give me something better than what I am in right now....but it won't give me what I want, my H back. That's what hurts. I could obtain all the great and wonderful things this world has to offer, but it wouldn't mean anything to me.......


I don't think I'll be on the forums too much anymore. I like trying to help others where I can, but it doesn't seem like there's any help here for me. I do appreciate those who chimed in on my last thread and this one when they could. I think being here causes me to think about H/my sitch much more than I would if I wasn't on here.

All the best to every one in your situations.