I haven't posted in a few days because, frankly, I don't know what to say. I see all the well intentioned support here, but it is disheartening to hear about the PA's, the years of holding out hope, and still seeing so many end in divorce. I see comments about the gift of time, but it doesn't feel like a gift. It feels like a loss that can never be recovered. I recently lost my father. My wife has several serious health problems that are not going away. What if something happens to one of us in this purgatory? Even MWD says you never know what can happen so do what you can now.
I know I can only work on myself, but those things I can do something about are things I already liked about myself: confident, self motivated, optimistic, respected, always trying new things. If anything, my current situation has robbed me of these things. I had a pretty fulfilling life: travel, hobbies, interests. The things I need to improve on are more about relationships: intent vs. perception, empathy, control, manipulation, selfishness, communication (verbal and physical). I am learning and doing all I can in this regard, but with so little contact with my wife, I don't feel like I have much opportunity to practice or to show her I've made real, lasting changes.
I know the WAW script says not to trust what she says and only half of what she does, but I also know some things about my wife and I can't help but wonder if she will go "off script." For instance, she can be determined and stubborn. I knew when she moved out, she would be unhappy, but then accept and become comfortable with her new normal. When she was unhappy, we had frequent contact. As she has started to accept, our contact become next to nothing. Having adjusted to her new reality, she has indicated she won't be coming back. She continues to distance herself by avoiding any unnecessary contact. All this despite acknowledging all the changes I have made. She says she, "Simply can't take the risk."
We are both going to individual counseling. Both are specialized in individual and marriage counseling. While mine has been clear that people can and do change and that everyone should consider doing all they can before calling it quits, hers seems only to enable her isolation, depression, and aggression.
I'm not sure what else to say. I continue to go to therapy. I continue to read self help books. I continue to make sure the few interactions I have with my wife are both different from the past and positive. But I still feel like I'm losing ground.
