Found out my W today restarted her FB account without my last name and removed/blocked me from finding her and also removed all of my family/friends from her account. She also had the EA OM block me from his profile.
Need to detach...hard to tho
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
I know I should give her space but I can't help feeling like I should do something. I keep reading all of these quotes online about divorce not solving problems, and I feel like forwarding them to her and saying "look what you're doing!" but I fear it wouldn't help anything and I will wind up looking stupid.
A lot of people in my family and my friends (and even our old MC) are telling me she is emotionally immature and not making a reasonable decision. She has always been impulsive with things and not considerate of other's feelings and once she starts doing something she has really good follow-through. Part of me feels like I have to let this run its course and maybe she will wake up one day and think "big mistake".
She has been good so far though with dividing assets fairly and not taking anything of mine. She just definitely has her interests first and doesn't seem to trust me at all.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
I guess the thing is I have always known it was wrong to hit someone or an animal in anger, a red line that can't be crossed, and I now realize that breaking something out of frustration or anger falls into that same category. Taking action due to anger is always a bad idea.
It's good that you realize this, however, realization alone does not make it easy to stop a learned behavior. This is a behavior you have had for a long time and just deciding to stop it is not going to work. You need some real counseling to address this and learn new ways of dealing with your anger.
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My W also has anger issues, and she has actually picked up scissors before as if to stab me with them when we would be arguing, and another time she chased me out of the house and threw a book at me because she thought I was looking at "demon information" on the computer.
The difference is that I am aware of what I did, and should never do again to anyone.
There is no difference, at least not yet. You don't know what realizations she has had, what she is working on and you have not stopped yet. You just know that you should - and she probably knows she should too.
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I have been talking to a counselor about the anger issues. It's a choice I can make with how I react to things. I don't know if I can always control my feelings, but I can control my actions. There have been a few times in this process where I was tempted to lash out and say something mean-spirited but i have learned to hold it in and the feeling passes.
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I texted my W this morning telling her that I found out she and my friend had talked, and that she had tried to turn him against me and also lied to me about him ignoring me. I also texted her saying I thought she was good at actually doing things but didn't really consider what it was she was doing and didn't really know who she was as a person.
We then started arguing via text with her telling me she thought I threatened/ignored/controlled her in our relationship. She also said I never liked her family, and I pointed out when we started dating all she would do was complain about how they were abusive to her, etc. I told her she had problems she was running away from. She then said how I made her feel worthless, and said that my previous comments about me dealing with my anger/criticism issues were lies. I told her I didn't appreciate being screamed at and ambushed with a divorce.
I told her I was working on myself and my problems, and said if she was going to work on her own problems it was on her.
It does not appear you have learned to 'hold it in'. Your intentions are great, however, they are not enough. This is going to take some serious work on your part.
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Member
Registered: 08/21/13 Posts: 47 Loc: IL I texted her back and said I guess it made sense why she was so upset Sunday night and sorry for bringing it up.
Do you see your pattern? You do something in anger, you calm down, you apologize. How can you change this pattern?
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I know I should give her space but I can't help feeling like I should do something. I keep reading all of these quotes online about divorce not solving problems, and I feel like forwarding them to her and saying "look what you're doing!" but I fear it wouldn't help anything and I will wind up looking stupid.
Yes, you have to give her space. Otherwise you are still trying to control her and you can't. "Look what you're doing", she probably feels like she is saving herself, or something similar.
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A lot of people in my family and my friends (and even our old MC) are telling me she is emotionally immature and not making a reasonable decision. She has always been impulsive with things and not considerate of other's feelings and once she starts doing something she has really good follow-through. Part of me feels like I have to let this run its course and maybe she will wake up one day and think "big mistake".
I would say that punching holes in walls, ripping up pictures, throwing cell phones out the window and running them under water are emotionally immature and unreasonable choices also. I am not sure why everyone, including the MC, would be telling you how immature she is and not address your immaturity as well. She will only wake up and think big mistake if you become a 'man only a fool would leave'. You can become that person if you are ready to really look at yourself, change and grow. It will not happen overnight and you need to do it for yourself, not because you are hoping your W will come back.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
My situation is really weird right now, and I have been up and down the rollercoaster the last few days - but the FIRST time W actually would talk to me was when I backed way off. I did zero communication for like 4 days in a row, when we had been texting and calling all day almost non-stop for weeks. Even after just four days, she was much more receptive, and she even mentioned that she felt like it was a fire hose before, and the space and time let her think.
In terms of my anger I do have a tendency to get mad, do something, and then calm down later and realize what I did was wrong. Thanks for pointing that out. I haven't punched a hole in a wall in probably 8 years. I smashed my own phone twice right after we got married in 2009, and then didn't do it after that. When I found out about her EA is when I ripped up those paintings, and I felt justified doing it at the time but I regret it now. With her phone I put it in a sink full of water after I found out she had been lying to me and still in contact with the OM from her EA, although she claimed it was nothing.
I thought I had really moved on from losing my temper for a few years until this whole EA thing. Her main complaints regarding me from before was that I didn't love her enough, didn't support her enough, didn't spend enough time with her, etc. I felt like in those areas I was trying and doing a pretty good job, but I also felt like we wound up fighting a lot and she would criticise me for some things and it put me on the defensive. I'm not saying the anger isn't a problem but there were other problems there, too, and I've never seen myself get so frustrated with anyone like I do with her.
There is a lot for me to work on, though. I'm still seeing our old MC and he said he would keep working with just me to talk about my issues and how I can be a better person, etc.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
@ JonF, my W has calmed down too since I've given her space and she is asking for things and saying thank you, but all of our conversation is still centered on the divorce and she has filed the paperwork. I asked her last week if she really wanted to be friends when this was over and what that meant to her, and she said "not much", since we had nothing in common according to her.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
In terms of my anger I do have a tendency to get mad, do something, and then calm down later and realize what I did was wrong. Thanks for pointing that out. I haven't punched a hole in a wall in probably 8 years. I smashed my own phone twice right after we got married in 2009, and then didn't do it after that. When I found out about her EA is when I ripped up those paintings, and I felt justified doing it at the time but I regret it now. With her phone I put it in a sink full of water after I found out she had been lying to me and still in contact with the OM from her EA, although she claimed it was nothing.
That's a lot of justification
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
