One giant leap forward! - Part 5

[lovethehub]

The car insurance and the kids at the weekend are going pi55 her off but not much she can do about it. She can just say no to the driving, then what?

You really need a mediator, or a lawyer, and you need to get a specific agreement in place and filed in family court. There is no reason all of this responsibility should fall on you.

Not me, it tears me up inside. I have always had a problem with the fact that I haven't lived the life of at least an ordinary single man in his twenties.
I haven't experienced enough life myself as a single/dating person to be OK with whoever I end up with having done so themselves.

This is something I can tackle now and hopefully put me in a better position in the future. I don't want to be a 40 year old man that is jealous of his current partner having had sex with more than one person in their 20's. It's not healthy and eats away at myself and the R.

I don't expect people to understand where I am coming from.
I feel like I have a second chance at enjoying some dating and learning things about myself and I don't want to miss it.

Dating 100 different women will not change the fact that you are a jealous person. This is something you should address in counseling to understand it. After you do, go date to your hearts content. We aren't saying not to date, but T, regardless of your intention to 'casually date' here is how it goes: you date, maybe a few people, then you meet someone who you really like spending time with and before you even know what happened, you are in a R. Then, because people haven't done the work on themselves, 67% (or some high %) of 2nd M's end in D.

You need to figure out why you are so jealous and deal with it before you move on. I probably know 10 women (or more) that my H dated/lived with/slept with/whatever and I am even friends with some of them. I have no idea how many women he slept with or dated and I don't care because it happened before I even knew him, and that is how most people think. You need to understand why the things someone did before they met you bug you and even though you think it is just because you only dated one and they dated more, I don't think it is. That might make you feel like you missed out on something but it shouldn't cause a problem because you are upset that they didn't miss out on it.

We can't tell you what to do, however, it really appears that you are not ready for dating. Also, it's not really fair to date someone if your only intention is to 'catch up'.

Even though I try not to think about Xmas I still do. I can't even imagine any scenario that isn't seriously depressing in some way.

I know how you feel, I do that when things are bad, too. It really will get better though, even though it doesn't seem it right now.

OM2 to me isn't any different to me than OM1. Yes W wasn't upfront with me but my jealousy feeling towards any OM far far out ways anything else. To a point where it doesn't make sense to other people but to me it's massive!

I can understand jealousy feelings in this situation, however,
if others are noticing how jealous you are, and it appears extreme to them, it is another indication that it is something you need to address w/someone. Actually I'm not really sure jealous is what most people would feel;seems like it would be lots of anger and hurt. Not sure about that one..

[T1000]

My advice is to be careful with the feelings of the women you want to fill your weekends with. You may be doing it to fill some time and may not be ready for an R, but these women need to know its nothing but fun.

I agree.

FWIW, regarding the comment of an EA being worse than a PA, well, 99% of PA's are indeed EA's.

I don't doubt it. Between the two though one effects me a lot and the other doesn't.

And BTW, I knew you would get defensive. But I didn't say I can't stand her! You did!!!!

I know I did and it does feel strange getting defensive even though I don't like her very much.

[T1000]

The car insurance and the kids at the weekend are going pi55 her off but not much she can do about it. She can just say no to the driving, then what?

You really need a mediator, or a lawyer, and you need to get a specific agreement in place and filed in family court. There is no reason all of this responsibility should fall on you.

If I can get the remortgage done and W and I cant agree I will go that route.

Not me, it tears me up inside. I have always had a problem with the fact that I haven't lived the life of at least an ordinary single man in his twenties.
I haven't experienced enough life myself as a single/dating person to be OK with whoever I end up with having done so themselves.

This is something I can tackle now and hopefully put me in a better position in the future. I don't want to be a 40 year old man that is jealous of his current partner having had sex with more than one person in their 20's. It's not healthy and eats away at myself and the R.

I don't expect people to understand where I am coming from.
I feel like I have a second chance at enjoying some dating and learning things about myself and I don't want to miss it.

Dating 100 different women will not change the fact that you are a jealous person. This is something you should address in counseling to understand it. After you do, go date to your hearts content. We aren't saying not to date, but T, regardless of your intention to 'casually date' here is how it goes: you date, maybe a few people, then you meet someone who you really like spending time with and before you even know what happened, you are in a R. Then, because people haven't done the work on themselves, 67% (or some high %) of 2nd M's end in D.

You need to figure out why you are so jealous and deal with it before you move on. I probably know 10 women (or more) that my H dated/lived with/slept with/whatever and I am even friends with some of them. I have no idea how many women he slept with or dated and I don't care because it happened before I even knew him, and that is how most people think. You need to understand why the things someone did before they met you bug you and even though you think it is just because you only dated one and they dated more, I don't think it is. That might make you feel like you missed out on something but it shouldn't cause a problem because you are upset that they didn't miss out on it.

I know it's jealousy but only when it's something I haven't done.
I wouldn't be jealous of an EA.
I wouldn't be jealous if W went to the vacation we used to go on but with OM.
I wouldn't be jealous if they both ate in our favourite restaurant.

I would be jealous if they did something together that we hadn't done. I think it's insecurity.
As I have worked on myself over the last year I have shed some of my insecurities. My general outlook and the way I compose myself in the outside world is far better than it has ever been. For me to put myself out there to attempt some casual dating is part of that. I could have never casually dated more than one person after the other.

If I allow myself to crawl back into the hole I was in before I met W I don't know where I will end up. Being confident and outgoing is alien to me and so far I'm doing well.

I don't feel any rush to get in an R. Having got married and had kids I feel the pressure to get certain things done in my life by a certain age to be non existent right now.

If I lived somewhere where there lots to do and/or I had lots of friends I wouldn't choose this route but I believe it's the best I have right now to keep running with.

I don't want to have a weekend off from the kids and find I have nothing to do but decorate the house or go out by myself drinking trying to find friends.

Even though I try not to think about Xmas I still do. I can't even imagine any scenario that isn't seriously depressing in some way.

I know how you feel, I do that when things are bad, too. It really will get better though, even though it doesn't seem it right now.

I believe I will feel better about it than I do now. It doesn't take away all the lousy outcomes.

[T1000]

Do you have something like meetup.com over there ?

I don't believe your only 2 options for GAL for other are going out drinking to find friends or dating.

Do you have any friends currently? Do you like sports? Can you join a team?

Labug mentioned meetup last week. I had tried it before and not had much luck so I looked again when labug mentioned it.

I've tried meet up a few times but nothing in my area (literally nothing). If I open it up and be willing to do an hour there an hour back it gave me 5 things. One was for some business owners, 2 for women, 1 for singles and 1 for some hill walking.

As for friends I have two friends, one of them is my younger brother.
I don't like any UK sport. Even if I did I'm looking for something to do on the weekends I don't have the kids, so for 3/4 of the weekends I wouldn't be able to participate.

[T1000]

I was taking the kids back this afternoon. For last few weeks I have been picking up and dropping off the kids at her parents and haven't seen W for a few weeks now in person.

She texts me "eta?" I said "5:10" she then asks me "where are you dropping them off?"

I'm thinking what sort of question is that?? She lives about 3 minutes from her M's it's up to her where I drop them off.

Anyway I said "Your Moms".

Got there and W's car was outside. Tbh I didn't want to see her. Any way took the kids in and then asked them for a kiss and a cuddle. S1 obliged but S3 ran off to play on the iPad meaning if I wanted a kiss bye I had to go in.

Luckily for me S3 jumps on the sofa right next to W. I thought sod it and i just walked up to S3 and got a kiss. I didn't exactly blank W but I didn't give her any attention either.
As I was leaving I gave W, her M and SF an update on S3's current health issue and then I left.

Today is the first time I have dressed for comfort while I do the driving rather than trying to look good in front of W. Felt a bit rough but I wasn't that bothered, I got my babies back safely, got on with it and left. Looking good feels like a waste of clean clothes for driving on a Sunday afternoon.

[T1000]

I've quickly drafted together an email to send to W. Could people give me their opinion on it? I tried to keep it to the point without being punitive but also not shy away.

I'm unsure whether to say I want to share the driving and then let her barter it down to two of the six journeys or offer it out right.

Hi,
Just a couple of things I want to discuss with you.

Kids at the weekend. I want to look at when I have the kids at the weekends. In July we tried you having them one week in the month and I would like to go back to that. There will be certain weekends that I want them and maybe that's the same for you.

Driving. I want us to share the driving. If you could do two of the six journeys a month that would be great. I have been taking the Friday afternoons off work for a long time now and it's time for me to cut that back.

Car Insurance. You are going have to sort out your own car insurance some time soon, most likely in October. As I'm the main driver and the car is insured as being here, I am currently committing fraud.
I will also be getting convictions on my licence soon that I will have to tell them about.
I will add the money I have been paying for the car insurance to your account with the rest at the start of the month.

Let me know your thoughts on these.

T1000

[Fartiltre]

I've quickly drafted together an email to send to W. Could people give me their opinion on it? I tried to keep it to the point without being punitive but also not shy away.

I like it as it is! Objective and not punitive!
You could consider suggesting making a schedule for rest of the year in writing

I'm unsure whether to say I want to share the driving and then let her barter it down to two of the six journeys or offer it out right.

I don’t know why she should not do half the driving.
I would go for half and then stick with this, but at the same time be satisfied with 2-4 if half isn’t possible.

Then I would apply 48 hours

F

[T1000]

I've quickly drafted together an email to send to W. Could people give me their opinion on it? I tried to keep it to the point without being punitive but also not shy away.

I like it as it is! Objective and not punitive!
You could consider suggesting making a schedule for rest of the year in writing

I'm unsure whether to say I want to share the driving and then let her barter it down to two of the six journeys or offer it out right.

I don’t know why she should not do half the driving.
I would go for half and then stick with this, but at the same time be satisfied with 2-4 if half isn’t possible.

Then I would apply 48 hours

F

A schedule would be a good idea.

I believe she will baulk at the any driving at all with atomic fusion based spew. That's why I have held back.
I have been doing the 8-10 journeys a month for a long time now. Having a week off and her doing 2 of them will knock the driving I do by half of what I was doing.
I won't mention the 2/4 and see what she responds with whilst wearing my Iron Man suit.

Apply 48 hours before I send, after or when I reply?

[Fartiltre]

I believe she will baulk at the any driving at all with atomic fusion based spew. That's why I have held back

LOL, it will properly be that green, hazardous, poisoned and all-consuming kind – I agree!
That’s one of the reasons I suggested going for half now. If you are being hit by this IMO why not ask for it all at once. She will properly spew no matter what you ask.
If it’s fair and reasonable, and you want half - then don’t hold back. Why should you?

Apply 48 hours before I send, after or when I reply?

Before you send. I believe that when you are about to initiate convo then apply 24/48. If you are responding then you can’t but initiating is another case.


F

[sandi2]

Oh well, she will balk at anything that she has not had to do.

T, your feelings of jealousy of OM is understandable.......to a point. But it seems to dig up these old inferiority emotions that you missed out b/c you didn't score with several women when you were single. I won't pretend to understand it or how your W & another man causes you to be jealous of a life you feel you missed. But if you don't get it worked out, it could be the makings of a MLC some day. Wouldn't that be something, to finally get the R you've always wanted....and then you be thrown into MLC?

Based on the things you said after OM1 and now with OM2, I have to wonder if you feel you have no identity apart from your W/MR. When another man comes on the scene, it seems to cause you to want to go back in your 20's to find yourself.



I'd like to comment on the EA/PA subject. From the posts I have read from LBH'S over the years, many worry more about a PA and don't take an EA seriously enough.

An EA, for a woman, is an affair of the mind & heart. It involves her feelings, emotions,, dreams and fantasies. It becomes a part of her b/c she carries it around with her at any place at anytime. She can wear a mask while she dreams of OM and what life with him would be like. It can become so intense that it consumes her. An EA can be very addictive, and therefore, it takes a long time to overcome the hold.

Men don't want another man to be physically intimate with his W b/c.......well, her body was for him, just as his body was for her, and nobody else should touch the places they touched each other. Am I close?

One thing that makes M a sacred institution is when the couple's heart and body is given exclusively to each other. Not in a controlling or dependent way, but freely and lovingly. So if one of them breaks that covenant by allowing a third party in, it disrupts that special bond.

I'm not going anywhere particularly here. Just sharing some thoughts.