NERO FLOATING- throw that line.....

[nero]

hey hi linda-

How are you doing ? your eye- the "trip" da da dummmmmmm???? i think about you all the time. are you okay and doing okay?

i'm hoping you're hanging in there alright. it's alot on your plate at one time. isn't it amazing what we endure - one step at a time- ??? i'm always surprised how giant and awful it all would look if we just wrote a list (mlc) - and how we just all keep going forward - one day at a time.

I'm a bit philosophical this a.m. reading "a prayer for owen meany" - a very strange book , but interesting, by john irving(i think) wrote "word according to Garp" - also wierd and interesting - back in the day.

i'm wondering and on the search about faith in life- raised episcopaleon (sp?) - intellectually embrace it and buddhism- pretty much of a non-participant last 30 years or so w/ "establishment" - other than inside my head. i believe something- i never was raised on the God has a specific interest in you - thought. more like we're all just bumbling along in life doing best we can with human nature & free will.... i'm a do unto others..." kinda guy.

like most of life's questions and problems - ya always seem to have the concrete- in-your-face aspect - and then the intellectual overview-

i'm not so sure i've ever captured senenity- i need some.

so - if i keep myself just thinking about today- and DO NOT GO BACK into the past at all- good or bad - i keep even. do you find it true too? do you allow yourself to get all rememberie about the pst and allll the good? do you stop yourself? (if it's not too personal). do you find yourself remembering the bad? judging, critical? or do you shove it out of your mind (forever?)....

just if you have any m.o. that works about the above. it's a very very lot of "stuff" - both the good and the bad.

as usual- hard for me to reconcile and get a fixed bottom line on my heart & thoughts about it all.

HEY- WHAT??? ME OVERTHINK EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE??? I was happier when i truly believed if you had love it would all somehow work itself out - no kidding- i did. i'm not sure if i still do- yet - here i sit - pretty much doing nothing - allowing it all to play out (per db) - am i nuts or wise??????? i have a feeling it's one or the other - BIGTIME...

talking to the gal that called yesterday- got me thinking and rethinking and so on. i guess - all in all - it's a very bad idea to answer questions and rehash all the junk about this mlc.

it reminds me of painful stuff that i shove away. i can always dredge up the good and enjoy it- should we EVER go to the dark side? ya think.

i'm a total drag so i'm getting right out of this post. sorry to be such a bog-down this moring.

hope your day is good- or okay- hope you're okay- hang on- i'm thinking "all will be revealed in the fullness of time" or some such-

ya think???????\


xxoo ((((( )))))

[albamarie]

You know I said cancel FB, no, just cancel the other one with the four friends.

[nero]

hey universe -

sorry for the "spew" of my own last bunch of days. this hospital duty- family interaction - animosity- etc... stuff really gets me DOWN....

I'M fully intending to "do a better job" of not allowing self the anger & alllllll that junk. SOMEHOW- have no idea how- but it's something about me i do not like. (that i "take the bait" or take the responsibility allllll the time.

i need to man up someway and be more adult- either walk away and do not take it all on OR NOT GET angry at self & world when i am "stuck" and it's just my own conscience that keeps me there.

(miraculously i sent an e-mail to nazisister yesterday (motivated by her h's total screamer at my face) saying all this horrible crappola about what a horrible person & daughter i am, etc. ANYWAY- THE - crux was the junk i do is about what i do for my mother (not her) and anything she does is for HER mother (not me) and anything her h does is for her (not me OR mother).

BIG SURPRISE -

she is coming up here to take over for three days (!!!!!)take mom for the FOLLOWUP cat scan- meet w/ nurses, etc. - i feel so glad i could cry this morning. A TINY Miracle- i will take it and be glad to drop the responsibility. i am further paying my litle neice (who offered and balked at accepting pay) (but i know she could use school cloths money and she SHOULD BE rewarded for her kind heart & comassion) to "sit" and chat & just run interference. she has a very nice heart & compassion to even notice and feel protective of me- it warms my own heart.

HEY- GO WITH THAT HUH???? two very nice things to cont3mplate- instead of all the resentment- rite????

i CAN do this- need witnesses to my resolutions to fortify it-

need to find serenity in the face of criticism & those spew-fests the people around me seem to need to have. i am perfectly willing to acknowledge i may invite it- maybe because i am more likely to take it- explain- apologize than yell myself - idk-

onward & upward - this all will roll off me and be gone very soon-

thanks gang.


xxoo

i do not want to be a screamer- it doesn't even feel good. while her h was screaming and spitting allover town- all my brain could think was "even if you say something reasonable- he's not gonna listen" - when i opened my mouth- he put his hand up and said he was DONE - . WHEN I SAID don't judge me- he began re-spewing tht HE HAD JUDGED ME ALREADY.

WHY would i "go there" with someone like tht??? i don't understand these kind of people who have most giant screaming outbursts on someone else. it's soooo icky-

next time - i'm preparing myself to be prepared to not speak at all- AT ALL - AND JUST WALK AWAY OR HANG RITE UP-

any suggestions of cures or very effective things to tell myself that anyone knows would be welcome- i'm working on me with this too - all i can do - rite??? i truly would like to change it and never feel anger again - or this resentment stuff. it's a heck of a way to go thru life- what if I BECOME MY MOTHER - BITTER, COMPLAINING, CRITICAL- ICKY & MEAN- EEEEEEK....

I WANT TO BE "GOOD " I REALLY REALLY DO! i do not want to be a hypocrite.

my "responding" or getting mad or upset is something i don't like about myself - - - I am shooting for the "don't explain - don't apologize - don't antagonize - don't "care" ....
m.o.

so- off to "babysit" momzilla - going to maintain my sense of humour today ( & hopefully forever henceforth - (is that the word i want - henceforth? liked it.

xxoo thanks for "listening"

resolution girl off to see the wizard

xxoo

[job]

Nero,
I'm so sorry that the family has been at you about your mother. You are doing the best you can. If they start up again, just walk away. They don't know what is involved in taking care of her the way you do. I would accept any offers from the family for them to sit w/your mother. In fact, I would make sure that the days they do sit w/her that you turn your phone off and go away for the day, i.e., be it window shopping or the library, but I wouldn't be available to assist them. They need to learn what it is like to care of an ailing parent. It's easy to sit in a glass house and throw stones, but when it comes back around, they are the ones that will learn the hard way.

I do hope that you will find some time to do something nice for yourself. You certainly deserve it.

Nero, any thoughts on a new thread title? Your thread fills up very quickly and here we go again...time for a new one.

Please take care of yourself. I am very worried about all of the stressors you are dealing w/on a daily basis. Stress can do so much damage to a person's body w/o you even realizing it until it's too late.

[RosaLinda]

Geez Louise Nero, all I can say is -- you did GOOD DBing on your brother in law and your sister too in that email you sent her! You're right, walking away is always a good option in cases like your BIL spewing, and one I take a lot as I am apt to burst into tears when people yell at me.

I'm glad you seem to have pricked your sis's conscience a bit, and that you have regained a sense of your self. You are no hypocrite my friend, far from it. You seem to be one of the most honest people I know at looking at yourself, and seeing things clearly.

Snodderly's advice to make sure you are not available on the days your family watches your mom is good! Is your H still planning to come back up to NJ next week? Just what you need right?