One giant leap forward! - Part 5

[T1000]

T (and Left),

Take F as an example he implied that whatever his W does while they separated is OK. Not OK as in it's good but it's non issue because they are separated.
Not me, it tears me up inside. I have always had a problem with the fact that I haven't lived the life of at least an ordinary single man in his twenties.

This is how I feel! I feel free to do what I want now and therefore I have to feel the same way about her! That doesn’t mean that picturing her with other man in bed or hand in hand walking in the street doesn’t hurt – off course it does! I just simply can’t justify feeling otherwise. I love the woman deeply and I want her back, but she has gone away and within separation and divorce lies the right to decide for one self! She decides for her and I decide for me!
Just to expand!
T, we had some of this discussion when OM1 hit your sitch! I believed you were wrong in feeling angry at W at that time. I haven’t changed my opinion on this subject, but I have to write that the situation around this OM2 is completely different than last time! This second guy is – to me – utterly unacceptable! I do not see him doing anything wrong but your W is big time!


What I don’t get is how this relates to the life of a single man and as I read the above quote you relate your Ws present actions with your own life before W.

Why is that?
How does your present feelings around Ws actions relate to your own single life before W?
(I understand the hurt and I understand feeling the loss of single life but I simply don’t get how these subject relates)

Dating is fun and it will fill your weekends but if you jump into R to quick like I did you IMHO raise the chances of finding yourself in same position as I do now. Second time is easier to cope with due to experience but the hurt I feel because I am here the second time I can’t express! I am cursing myself daily!! I am not – in any way – telling you to stay of the market but don’t find yourself hooked up again quickly. Do not date right now because you fear the chances will be gone soon. Dating is so much easier these days and dating in 30s and 40s looks easier to me than back in 20s. And certainly do not date because you fear Christmas, loneliness or likewise. Dating won’t fill this hole!

I don't know if it counts but I feel like I have lived a lifetimes worth of not being in a relationship.

I understand! Someone (I believe it was LTH) told you that if you start dating you will likely end up in an R and that might be true. I get her opinion because that’s exactly what happened to me!
You still need to work on you and that demands you living single for some time.

T, I believe you do feel like this but that’s only looking back. You haven’t felt this way and lived it – again only IMHO! You have felt and acted married since BD as I have read your posts!
When you state someday: I AM A SINGLE GUY! At that point you start living it for real and from thereon you need time to do that - being single. Then start looking for a new R!

Once again: I am NOT telling you not to date but do take it slow and do not find yourself in new R to quickly!

Just my thoughts!
All the best!

F

My ability to get past OM1, OM2 or any of my W's past R's or anyone else's I might meet in the future is linked to my past or lack thereof. I have felt this way since I got my first girlfriend at 18. I have always been 'behind'.

OM2 to me isn't any different to me than OM1. Yes W wasn't upfront with me but my jealousy feeling towards any OM far far out ways anything else. To a point where it doesn't make sense to other people but to me it's massive!

The other day I was reading on here about EA's being worse than PA's. I understand why people see it that way but I cannot. If W came back to me and she had two EA's I would definitely get over it. PA's, I still don't know if I can fully can past the 1st one due to the way I see things.

I see me getting past these feelings are more important to my next R whoever it may be with than living as a single person and not dating. It may be seen to others that I'm skipping a stage but I feel this particular stage in life that I missed and keeps coming back to haunt me is one that needs addressing.

I feel like I am still DBing but none of it now is to get W back. I'm fast losing the ability to care about her anymore. I feel the rope has been dropped and dirt has been poured over it and a sign put up saying "No rope here".

My initial instincts when W left was to get back to dating as a way to get past the loneliness and to take my mind of it but I didn't. I have thought about it of and on over the last 12 months at different times. Even though I have stood by the M for last 14 months it hasn't stopped me from doing any thing other than dating.

I do believe it will be fun and it will fill my weekends. I have no plans of getting into an R. I know it's easier said than done but that currently is my plan.