wbw, it takes time to start coming out of the grief and even longer to heal. I wonder if that process is ever complete. I suffered what felt like unbearable grief. So much of it was due to what my boys had lost. Their lives are forever changed and no matter what I do there will always be a void and a longing for the life they once had. It's astounding that xh never seemed to consider the impact his actions would have. He still doesn't. I can't imagine what he thinks he has gained, but it's his life.
There's no doubt, wbw, that you have grown through your experience. As the grief lifts you will start to see it. I remember thinking I would be broken forever. There were defined stages of the grieving process. Some lasted longer than others and I seemed to cycle quite a bit. It was all uncomfortable. I missed being happy. I still do. The magnitude of the loss took away innocence that I wasn't aware of.
I really believe that to heal properly you can't rush the process. Just know that everyday moves you away from sorrow and closer to joy. Assemble your resources, develop routines, figure out what helps and what doesn't as you comfort yourself during this time. I found that I didn't need tons of friends and lots of distraction to see me through. What I did need was lots of time to rest, care for myself, be alone, read and exercise. I had to find my own way.
This phase in your life won't last forever. Truly, it won't.
