AS- When H comes to house after school to see boys I am not here. In fact I have barely seen H all week. Works for me. Works for boys, and H gets to see them too. Maybe it is cake-eating, but it works for now.
Gotcha, that makes more sense. I thought you meant he was free to come and go as he pleases when you are there.
Originally Posted By: littleGTO
She said make sure to "stick to your boundaries," which I told her was NO SEX with cute guy.
You know how around here we're always talking about how there's not much difference between an EA and a PA? And how in fact an EA can be even more troublesome because it feeds a fantasy that a PA cannot? A lot of WAS's will actively participate in an affair while telling themselves it's not really an affair because they're not having intercourse, like it's a switch that flips things from "friend" to "affair partner". As I've said before I'm not telling you what to do or not do, my personal opinion is that people in our sitches are not married anymore except on paper and what we do regarding new relationships is our decision to make. And if we choose to participate in a new R (again, my opinion here) we are not breaking any sacred vow that hasn't already been shattered, pooped on and dumped at the curb by the WAS. I'm just saying that you can refrain from sex with this guy but still end up neck-deep in a relationship, maybe without even realizing it.
ruby- I think it is interesting what you said about the different levels of forgiveness and that the forgiveness as a co-parent seems much more possible.
Things can never be forgotten and that's where my hang-up is in the "wife" category.
Plus I don't know if I could ever trust that H was completely over OW in the future. After all, she dumped him (I think). And, what if she changes her mind...decided she's lonely and oh, yes, I do want a R with you, H.
Went for yogurt w a GF today and she said something I've been thinking about... "Do you think your chances of being happy in the future are greater with or without your H?"
She was D and has now been happily remarried for 4-5 years, so her perspective is definitely biased toward remarriage. I told her I really wasn't sure.
She said "You will have no problem with guys--you are such a hottie!" Now, I know this is from a GF BUT I'll take any compliment I can get!
Cute D'ed guy doesn't have son this weekend so chances are good we may get together to hang out.
AS- Your opinions are important to me. I too believe my M is over, so only paper left. A PA and an EA are equally harmful to a marriage, I agree, so I get your point about sex.
Still, for me sex=emotionally involvement, so 2 things will happen at once...I would have expectations that would not be met by cute guy and my feelings would progress quickly to more than just what they are now. Don't think cute guy would progress in the feelings dptmt in the same way. So yeah, sex (while it would be amazing, I think (based on the incredible kissing-ooo,la-la!) the emotional after-effects would NOT be worth it).
(Yeah, I'm missing the intimacy of being with a loving partner, but know it is not to be found in a casual relationship.)
The question is.. am I getting myself emotionally involved with cute guy--I don't think so -yet. I like him, he's fun to hang out with, and I do think about him a lot. But, there just isn't much substance to our R. Little texting from him, no phone calls or other communication unless I initiate, only 1 direct compliment (during the kissing) and only 2 late night visits to talk/ play board games PLUS one kiss (well, a lot of kisses one time).
If I wanted to get involved with someone they would have to give a whole lot more than that! Plus he has made it very clear he is not in a place to want a R in his life right now. I appreciate his honesty, and actually that has helped me stay clear about not investing too much on my end.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
H has boys tonight. Before coming to hang out at the house and then take the boys H called and asked if I had plans tonight. I hesitated but truthfully answered "no."
He then asked if wanted to take S9 along with other boys out to dinner as a family. (We always take boys out for dinner for their birthdays.) SO, I said "yes."
Met him later to eat. He said during dinner that we should do more things together as a family. I said "it feels fake to me," because it does-- we are not a family in the same way. He said he's not at all uncomfortable.
When we left he asked what I was doing. I said I didn't know/ didn't have any plans. We drove along (separately) and he pulled up next to me at a stop and asked why I was going a certain way (as it wasn't the way home).
I laughed and said "it really isn't any of your business, but I'm going to the grocery store (true). He said, "You are just trying to make me worry!" Actually, he's right.
Interesting that he's always been concerned about my social life, yet I've asked nothing of his.
Last night cute guy and I texted quite a while. He had been drinking a lot & we flirted a bit. I did NOT go over to his house, but likely will tonight since I don't have the boys and am looking forward to hanging out with him (he's good company and I enjoy the flirting).
We revisited my boundaries, so I think he's crystal clear (think). It's all about having a good time together. Period.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
As someone who has been drawn to your situation, the past few months and someone who has been praying for your situation a lot I wanted to offer a little advice fwiw. You are playing with fire. No other way say it. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe these are some of the same feelings your H had/has about his OW? Don't know if you still trying to save your M or not, if not move on. If so be a faithful W. You can only play with fire so long before you get burned...
Turtle. I so understand about your worries with H. I have the same fears but it is a question of letting yourself trust a d opening yourself to the possibility of being hurt again.
Now as to cute D guy you know how I feel :))
But don't let this make the decision for you. My feeling is you are letting the chips fall so the decision is out of your hands. Because you do not know what to do yet. Am I off base??
completelylost, thank you for advice. I do know I am playing with fire and that I will get burned. It is at the very forefront of my mind. I dont know if I am still trying to save my M.
I do have my boundaries with cute guy. We hung out last night and had lots of fun playing board games for stakes--mainly kisses. Kissing definitely was more heated but he was respected of my boundaries so it was good.
I am clear cute guy may run interference with my ability to see clearly with H, but so far not. H is going to need A LOT of time to come out of his fog from "break up" with OW.
ruby- You may be exactly right about letting the chips fall so the decsion is out of my hands. I will really think about that!
THanks for the advice!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Hope I can help. I was once a "cute D guy". After my 1st W cheated I became the WAH she wanted me back but I left. And I didn't trust women at all. I slept with as many as I could and most being M. In severely degradated M. In most cases I respected boundaries too because there were so many women at one time I never got too focused on one. Im not proud that I did what I did, but it happened and just wanted to share with u. I don't know what it is about your situation but I really wanna see your family succeed.
I'm of the opinion if you're kissing OM, then you're probably no longer trying to save your marriage. It is your life and your M, littleGTO, but you need to be honest with yourself and not let your hormones dictate your behavior. Unless, of course, that's what you want to do—just be aware that you are doing that.
Most people with clouded judgement do not realize they have clouded judgement.
Stop flirting with and kissing other men if you are married, or file the papers. You aren't acting honorably. No excuses.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
GTO, this is what I've sensed: - You feel your H would have to jump through hoops and be fully committed to make you really want to be in the M--he won't do it. Why? Because he can't emotionally. You'd have to be very patient and DB for a long time, and I do see a great chance of the M being saved--but it'll require a lot of work.
- You see the guy next door as a source of validation and approval.
Here is what I think: - Spending any time w the guy will not allow you to save your M. That's what the WAS's do; they get involved w other people so they lose even more interest in their S's.
I think no matter what we say here, you'll do what you think it's best for you. You'll be ready to see the truth whenever you are ready. For now, take care of yourself and the boys, and continue contemplating your sitch. The answer will only come to you when you're ready to receive it.
