Don't mention a birthday present and a dissolution at the same time. Irrelevant of where both started off from, one says she is important to you the and the other means the opposite.
You sound like you are trying to convince her of your changes. It would be great if it worked that way but it doesn't. She has to notice and accept them herself for it to have any real effect.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Appreciate all the input - a lot of it is accurate. I think sometimes my grumpiness comes out on here.
However, W just told me she was willing to dismiss the divorce, and instead of dissolution, we are gonna wait three weeks, and then talk and see where we are. (She is moving from our friend's house to an apartment, and will be moved by then)
What a weird week this has been - going from fast-tracking divorce, and saying "We're done", cursing, nastiness, blaming me; to now, talking, some joking, and not ranting about divorce.
She just said she didn't know what to think, but still thought maybe dissolution would be better, but we'd take three weeks to talk through things...
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
That's good news I hope you use the next 3 weeks to listen and understand each others points of view, take things slow and enjoy the time you spend together!
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Nah, it turns out this just a guilty thing I guess. She admitted that this guy she said was a platonic friend, and NOTHING more - they actually have been making out, but she said she stopped it before it went to far.
That now makes her a liar and a cheater. I realize that "making out" probably seems paltry to you all who have endured one or more affairs, but the old saying goes, "Once a cheater, always a cheater."
Sorry, folks, but this isn't one I can give a pass.
Nah, it turns out this just a guilty thing I guess. She admitted that this guy she said was a platonic friend, and NOTHING more - they actually have been making out, but she said she stopped it before it went to far.
That now makes her a liar and a cheater. I realize that "making out" probably seems paltry to you all who have endured one or more affairs, but the old saying goes, "Once a cheater, always a cheater."
Sorry, folks, but this isn't one I can give a pass.
It isn't paltry at all and you are right to be angry.
Anything you do right now will be an emotional reaction. Give it 48 hours and then come and talk about it on here.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
That now makes her a liar and a cheater. I realize that "making out" probably seems paltry to you all who have endured one or more affairs, but the old saying goes, "Once a cheater, always a cheater."
First of all, I find this saying to be a bunch of bs. Yes, there are what I have termed "serial cheaters" who will cheat regardless of who they are with and how good/bad things are. However, many people cheat because they are so unhappy and they don't have the skills to make a better choice in that moment. For me, personally, I never cheated prior to my A in this M and I would never cheat again, regardless of the situation. I have learned a lot about myself and I have grown and I know I would handle the same situation a lot differently in the future.
Second of all, why is it that you can change and you want your W to recognize this, but if she's a liar and a cheater she couldn't possibly change?
I am not saying that her kissing someone else can't be your deal breaker, I am just saying don't say it is because she would be this person forever and couldn't change. Decide if it is your deal breaker, and if it is, okay. If it isn't, there is no reason to believe she couldn't change if you can change.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
My W needs to work on her communication skills! Apparently when she's saying she's kissed someone, what she meant was she was at a party, got blind drunk and kissed a guy, and then her friends made her leave. That's a whole different story than making out with someone you had an emotional connection with. She also said she will never contact him again, and he tried to Facebook friend her and she blocked him. She said if she saw him now on the street, she'd turn and walk away. But most importantly, she was honest about it, and she apologized for hurting me.
She actually ended up bringing up a lot of R talk - good lord, this rollercoaster! She said that she couldn't commit with me because she was afraid I'd hold all these mistakes over her head, so we should just go get the dissolution. I told her that wasn't true - I'm upset right now, but I'm not incapable of forgiveness.
Then she said she couldn't commit to me because I don't love her unconditionally. So I just suggested we take a break because this is a lot of crap that has been unloaded. She is self-aware in that she knows she's made pretty bad choices, she still believes divorce is wrong, but she's so tormented.
It's such a catch-22; I don't believe you love me, but on the other hand, I won't LET you love me.
@T1000 - I slept on it; I actually come on here and vent, and it takes some of the steam out!
@lovethehub - my (Christian) friend told me that phrase refuses to grant any grace to someone who has made a mistake. A blind drunk kissing session is not a deal breaker for me. W admitted she had been making poor choices in friends, and the drinking, and said she was "really messed up right now". I appreciate your perspective, and I was wrong to say that.
It was good of you not to flip out on her. Seems like a mature reaction on your part.
If I were you I would try to verify her story about the party by talking to someone else who was there. Is she trying to minimize or conceal her role about what happened?
She may be hesitant to get back with you because she doesn't know what she wants. My W had an EA and insisted that he was just a "friend" and a "nice guy" and I found out later that he had told her how he had feelings for her, etc. My W was similarly confused when we tried to R after me finding out about this and confronting her. Unlike you, though, I blew my stack, and after a few weeks of separation she wanted a D.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
As for the once a cheater, always a cheater, I believe that cheating is a choice that indicates selfishness and lack of maturity. You always have the choice to get stay faithful to your spouse or to jump on the first willing partner.
Maybe some people cheat and realize how badly it destroyed their lives, and then they understand how destructive it is and never do it again. But I think a lot of people who cheat probably are able to justify why they did it and so never really do the work to change their behavior and not cheat again.
Cheaters suck.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
