I've found a lot of inspiration lately which has helped me let go of the past and the life I treasured and accepting that change is inevitable. Allowing change makes life easier. Fighting it is painful.

I am such a creature of habit and have always resisted and feared change. I dread the unknown and find comfort and security (a false sense) in the known. Because of this I am often stagnant. I've been forced to start changing this.

So much of my life is out of my control, but that's been ok with me lately. I still don't have a settlement, but I'm living my life as if that chapter is closed. Xh is having a really hard time finding closure, apparently. He says he wants to reach a settlement, but isn't facilitating it. He's confused. I am clear.

My boys are still going to therapy. Xh hasn't paid, as agreed, for the last two sessions. He's been reprimanded by the therapist and has been told that it will look bad in court. He doesn't seem to care.

S16 is now a licensed driver. Xh bought a new car and gave his old one to son. I didn't want to accept it. First, it's a Mercedes convertible and I don't think it's appropriate. S16 is thrilled. The majority of the students at his school have their parents expensive hand-me-down cars. Second, seeing it is my driveway is a reminder I don't want. My attorney advised my to accept it since S16 commutes to a neighboring town for school. He was enrolled while I was a SAHM and it's been a source of stress getting him back and forth. Now I worry that he'll get in an accident, but it is what it is. I accept that it makes my life easier.

I am still sad and uncomfortable with my divorced status. I hated the constant reminder of my bare ring finger. I haven't embraced this change and don't feel available. So, I took out a beautiful ring I inherited from my grandmother. My grandfather gave it to her on their 25th wedding anniversary. It's platinum with two rows of diamonds. Wearing it reminds me of how much she meant to me and all the time we spent together. Now when I look at my ring finger I am filled with love, not sorrow. People can assume whatever that want. I feel better and that's what matters.

My mom is doing poorly. She's been in and out of the hospital due to infections and pain. She sleeps a lot and is "wonky" (as my dad says) when she's awake. I can sit with her and feel peaceful. I'm not afraid of her dying or the grief that will follow. It's part of life. I know I will be sad, but I will work through it. My boys need to see me do this when the time comes.

Today I suddenly had an impulse to make a list of what I like. I couldn't stop adding. I listed everything from plants to indulgences. I have come to know myself so well. Honestly, if someone had asked me who I am and what I like pre-bd I don't know that I would have said much beyond being married with two kids.

I still feel somewhat in limbo. I'm not married, but haven't embraced being single. In so many ways my life hasn't changed. I'm in the same house and have full responsibility for the boys. Some routines are different, but much is the same. Overall I feel content and no longer feel like someone is missing.

When I look back to BD and the many months that followed I cannot believe how shattered I was. I didn't see how I could ever recover. I was in so much pain. I was afraid, lonely and completely heartbroken. I remember reading that a person only goes through a shattering like that once. Being brought to our knees is a horrible experience, but sets us on a different, more rewarding journey. The amount of personal growth can be amazing.

There's no doubt I will continue to post my frustration and hurt caused by xh at times, but today I don't feel it. I still haven't experienced a day of joy like those pre-bd, but I hope I'm getting closer. I really miss waking up, feeling loved and secure, and thinking my life is perfect.