One giant leap forward! - Part 5

[T1000]

When I told S1 to come in for bed he threw himself on the floor in a angry rage because he wanted to stay out.

Sound like top-evaluation – great!

IMO:
When you have done the pics and hopefully like it (I know you will) then take the grand tour around your home with paper and pencil. Make yourself a list of things you would like to change.
Prioritize them due to time, money and importance and then get to work! (The best things I have done took me second and didn’t cost anything! Getting rid of a vase or some nips and then replacing it with something from a box I stuffed away in the garage because W didn’t like the things!)

If we are alike you will enjoy the work but the results even more. This is not just about getting her out of the house it much more about getting you in. Kind of like all the rest we are doing – focusing! IMO that focus is hard to keep if we spend our freetime in a frame designed by W, with pictures of her, her stuff and so on!
You have taken control of you so long ago – now spread it around your home – make it yours and the boy’s with what you’ve got! – just like the frame you’ve just build.

All the best!

F

I will do this F. It has been over a year since W left and lot of stuff is gone but theres still little bits here and there that need sorting. If I can remortgage house soon I will be having some changes done.

[T1000]

I shake his hand and say "hello

You don't think that's taking it a little far, to shake his hand?

Well T, I guess you could always have the "she's all yours" attitude if you see OM. I sure would not give either of them pleasure of seeing it eat at you by trying to glare him down. But neither do I think you should be friendly to him, since he "is" the OM in your M.

Yes, I misunderstood about the party. Glad to hear it. You sure are putting in long hours going back and forth. When do you have to take them home?

As far as I'm concerned in regards to myself and interacting with him, he's nothing until he is something.
When I think of their R I can't help but be a little smug about it.
She doesn't have the mental patience, maturity or communication skills to have a long term relationship so I believe sooner or later it is doomed.

Will I care if or when it gets doomed??

[T1000]

I wouldn't shake his hand. Ever.
In my case, OM was my W's client. We even went on a holiday abroad. Can't say i know him that well though.
W was pretty much pissed off when i hardly acknowledge him after BD. A nod is pretty much what i could muster. W thinks i should be nice and welcoming. Can't be nice to someone who can't even look you in the eyes, right?

The fact that she can even express that to you and expect anything else is ridiculous.

[T1000]

I didn't meet Ow for years. I made it clear to exH to keep her out of my sight until I was ready. He obliged. I met her after they were married. Ex H had a surgery and couldn't come downstairs to get our D. So she came down to get him. To my own surprise I was simply nice. No hand shaking, but I sweet, no attitude.

The best part was she was nervous as hell. I got a personal joy out of that one.

My only go was to show her I am the better person. I'm not a mean bitch or whatever picture ex H painted of me to make it ok to have an affair with a married man with a baby on the way.

We see each other when we have to these days. I'm friendly because I'm at a point I can be. And she is friendly also, but still very intimidated by me.

So, you say a quick hello, dime he is no threat to you. Because he will find you as a threat. Be that great father because that intimidates them more.

You'll be fine. And IMHO, if she starts binding him around this soon and around you this soon, it goes to show how low and classless she is.

I'm in the same boat as sandi here. I don't like her one bit.

Funny how I cannot stand to even hear from her right now. You saying you don't like her one bit got me defensive. Maybe that's just an instinct thing.

[T1000]

To answer your question, look at the first paragraph I quoted from your last thread. By definition, you are letting HER determine your actions. Just be the man you want to be. Her behavior shouldn't affect that at all.

This reminds me of a conversation I recently had with my D. She is fighting with a friend and they got other people involved and were ganging up on each other and texting terrible things back and forth. I said to her "You need to decide if this is the kind of person that you want to be. I am sure it isn't, so you have to decide that you will not be that person. Every time a situation like this comes up in life, you need to make that decision again" I explained to her that I didn't mean to make a choice each time and be a different person in each situation, I mean decide you aren't going to be that person and when faced with a difficult decision, decide AGAIN you aren't going to be that person and act accordingly.

I don't plan on having them every weekend. When I have them every weekend my life tends to go nowhere. I work all week and have the kids at the weekend then I work all week again.
I wish this wasn't the case. Maybe in time I will find it isn't but right now I need some freedom to be me.
Other than a verbal agreement with W this would cost money to set up that I don't have right now.

It's okay to have time without them, it will make you a better F if you have some time to relax, recharge and have fun. Let a little time pass and then get something, IN WRITING (use email), about your agreement. I would be sure to include that she does half of the driving.

I am going to use email. I'm not sure whether to tackle everything at once or one thing at a time.
She won't be happy about any of it. If I send her an email with everything on it I believe that would just multiply the anger and as a result it being harder to converse about it all.

The car insurance and the kids at the weekend are going pi55 her off but not much she can do about it. She can just say no to the driving, then what?

Dating isn't really approved here in DB. What are others thoughts on this?

Please don't date yet. I know it is tempting, esp after all you have been through but you really need to be healthy before you take this step. Even if you tell yourself you aren't looking for an R, you know how those things happen. What do you want for future R's? If you don't take this time to get yourself to where you want to be and heal from this experience it will hurt you in the future. When I met H, I was looking for a "Tuesday night", someone to go out with once a week, have fun, don't talk in between, don't call for no reason, etc. 6 months later we were living together...and look what we went through. I didn't do any work on myself between any R, ever. I never stopped to think about why they didn't work and what I needed to change. You must do this.

I understand why people think this is important and I think it is however I spent from 22 to 30 years old completely alone. No dates, nothing.
I don't think I have same outlook as others on here in regards to OM and such.

Take F as an example he implied that whatever his W does while they separated is OK. Not OK as in it's good but it's non issue because they are separated.
Not me, it tears me up inside. I have always had a problem with the fact that I haven't lived the life of at least an ordinary single man in his twenties.
I haven't experienced enough life myself as a single/dating person to be OK with whoever I end up with having done so themselves.

This is something I can tackle now and hopefully put me in a better position in the future. I don't want to be a 40 year old man that is jealous of his current partner having had sex with more than one person in their 20's. It's not healthy and eats away at myself and the R.

I don't expect people to understand where I am coming from.
I feel like I have a second chance at enjoying some dating and learning things about myself and I don't want to miss it.

I'm looking to take the house off the market.
The only reason for selling the house would be to move to where W lives, D or expense.
I want to remortgage so I can be comfortable financially, get out of of debt even if just a little bit so I can buy the kids clothes and furniture. Do things with them. The last few weekends I have spent money I didn't really have to spend so we could do things and what a difference it makes.

T, if you sold, is there a place in between where you and w live that you could move? You do so much driving and it eats up a lot of time in your life. If not, is it possible to look for another job (unless you love yours) to go somewhere closer? Just wondering.

Also, before wrapping debt into your mortgage (been there, done that, bad idea), check out a book called Financial Peace, be sure to google the author and learn about him. Get financially healthy, too!

If I moved halfway towards W house. I would be doing 45 minutes to work and back every day and 45 minutes every time I picked up kids and I wouldn't be near any of my family or even W's family.

My job is part of a family business. In time I will do very well out of it. There is no job I could ever get that would give me what this job does in terms of financial and

I ideally I just wanted to extend the 19 years left of my mortgage to 29 years meaning the payments will drop massively but the debt sum wouldn't increase.
I have been told to do so I would need to dissolve my credit card into it also to make my overall debt less and therefore making it more likely for my application to be accepted.

I'm really running out of options. Right now it's this remortgage if it's not accepted I will need to take another mortgage holiday and live of that for the next 9 months.
If I sell the house for much less than it is up for there will be nothing left after the debt is all paid. Which will leave me all paid up but with no home and no deposit.

I don't fancy moving house and starting over with my spare time as it is.

I think if I had played it differently in early August we would together but not in a healed way. She isn't/wasn't ready that's very obvious now. I was too eager or blind to see it.

You can second guess yourself to death here. Like you said, you definitely wouldn't have a good R and, honestly, I don't think things would have been much different. She is not ready, is in a very selfish stage (or maybe she is always this selfish) and she knows exactly what to say and do to get you to come back. She sounds extremely manipulative.

As for bipolar, don't be surprised if she gets the diagnosis because it is handed out freely, although from all you have said I would be shocked if she truly is.

GAL, I know you have said it is hard in your area. It doesn't have to be in a real social place, or with a whole bunch of people. That's fun, great if you can do it (at least sometimes) but it doesn't sound like that is going on where you live. Can you start hiking? Biking? Maybe find one or two people who want to do it with you? Find bands to go listen to in bars not too far away? Maybe a golf league in the spring? A baseball team?

Great job on the climbing structure dad..you are right T, you are going to be fine.

I go to the gym, swimming, running and martial arts during the week and it's OK GAL
At the weekend there is very few things I can do that take my mind of sitch. I'm either busy with the kids or Im not busy and I'm thinking.
Even when I don't have the kids I'm stuck. I could go to the gym, swimming, running and martial arts but I've already spent all week doing them.
I don't have many friends. My brother and my one friend.
If I don't have a night out drinking set up with my brother or my friend on a weekend I don't have the kids I feel totally stuck and even then it's only one night of the weekend.
This is another place where I think dating will help me GAL.

[LBH_LC]

Take F as an example he implied that whatever his W does while they separated is OK. Not OK as in it's good but it's non issue because they are separated.
Not me, it tears me up inside. I have always had a problem with the fact that I haven't lived the life of at least an ordinary single man in his twenties.

Believe me, I can relate to this. My 20s were really rough and pretty atypical.

And I'm with you, T1000. Weekends are rough. Especially holiday weekends.

[T1000]

Take F as an example he implied that whatever his W does while they separated is OK. Not OK as in it's good but it's non issue because they are separated.
Not me, it tears me up inside. I have always had a problem with the fact that I haven't lived the life of at least an ordinary single man in his twenties.

Believe me, I can relate to this. My 20s were really rough and pretty atypical.

And I'm with you, T1000. Weekends are rough. Especially holiday weekends.

I don't know if it counts but I feel like I have lived a lifetimes worth of not being in a relationship.

Even though I try not to think about Xmas I still do. I can't even imagine any scenario that isn't seriously depressing in some way.

[LBH_LC]

Again, I know exactly how you feel. I know who I am when I'm not in a relationship, and while I know that person and like that person just fine, I'm pretty tired of that person and would rather grow into a person that is in a healthy, loving long-term relationship (preferably with my W). I am becoming increasingly aware that my time on this planet is finite. Not looking forward to the winter and the holiday season and the gloomy weather and the first anniversary of my dad's death...

I guess that's why it's so imperative to GAL.

[Fartiltre]

T (and Left),

Take F as an example he implied that whatever his W does while they separated is OK. Not OK as in it's good but it's non issue because they are separated.
Not me, it tears me up inside. I have always had a problem with the fact that I haven't lived the life of at least an ordinary single man in his twenties.

This is how I feel! I feel free to do what I want now and therefore I have to feel the same way about her! That doesn’t mean that picturing her with other man in bed or hand in hand walking in the street doesn’t hurt – off course it does! I just simply can’t justify feeling otherwise. I love the woman deeply and I want her back, but she has gone away and within separation and divorce lies the right to decide for one self! She decides for her and I decide for me!
Just to expand!
T, we had some of this discussion when OM1 hit your sitch! I believed you were wrong in feeling angry at W at that time. I haven’t changed my opinion on this subject, but I have to write that the situation around this OM2 is completely different than last time! This second guy is – to me – utterly unacceptable! I do not see him doing anything wrong but your W is big time!


What I don’t get is how this relates to the life of a single man and as I read the above quote you relate your Ws present actions with your own life before W.

Why is that?
How does your present feelings around Ws actions relate to your own single life before W?
(I understand the hurt and I understand feeling the loss of single life but I simply don’t get how these subject relates)

Dating is fun and it will fill your weekends but if you jump into R to quick like I did you IMHO raise the chances of finding yourself in same position as I do now. Second time is easier to cope with due to experience but the hurt I feel because I am here the second time I can’t express! I am cursing myself daily!! I am not – in any way – telling you to stay of the market but don’t find yourself hooked up again quickly. Do not date right now because you fear the chances will be gone soon. Dating is so much easier these days and dating in 30s and 40s looks easier to me than back in 20s. And certainly do not date because you fear Christmas, loneliness or likewise. Dating won’t fill this hole!

I don't know if it counts but I feel like I have lived a lifetimes worth of not being in a relationship.

I understand! Someone (I believe it was LTH) told you that if you start dating you will likely end up in an R and that might be true. I get her opinion because that’s exactly what happened to me!
You still need to work on you and that demands you living single for some time.

T, I believe you do feel like this but that’s only looking back. You haven’t felt this way and lived it – again only IMHO! You have felt and acted married since BD as I have read your posts!
When you state someday: I AM A SINGLE GUY! At that point you start living it for real and from thereon you need time to do that - being single. Then start looking for a new R!

Once again: I am NOT telling you not to date but do take it slow and do not find yourself in new R to quickly!

Just my thoughts!
All the best!

F

[T1000]

T (and Left),

Take F as an example he implied that whatever his W does while they separated is OK. Not OK as in it's good but it's non issue because they are separated.
Not me, it tears me up inside. I have always had a problem with the fact that I haven't lived the life of at least an ordinary single man in his twenties.

This is how I feel! I feel free to do what I want now and therefore I have to feel the same way about her! That doesn’t mean that picturing her with other man in bed or hand in hand walking in the street doesn’t hurt – off course it does! I just simply can’t justify feeling otherwise. I love the woman deeply and I want her back, but she has gone away and within separation and divorce lies the right to decide for one self! She decides for her and I decide for me!
Just to expand!
T, we had some of this discussion when OM1 hit your sitch! I believed you were wrong in feeling angry at W at that time. I haven’t changed my opinion on this subject, but I have to write that the situation around this OM2 is completely different than last time! This second guy is – to me – utterly unacceptable! I do not see him doing anything wrong but your W is big time!


What I don’t get is how this relates to the life of a single man and as I read the above quote you relate your Ws present actions with your own life before W.

Why is that?
How does your present feelings around Ws actions relate to your own single life before W?
(I understand the hurt and I understand feeling the loss of single life but I simply don’t get how these subject relates)

Dating is fun and it will fill your weekends but if you jump into R to quick like I did you IMHO raise the chances of finding yourself in same position as I do now. Second time is easier to cope with due to experience but the hurt I feel because I am here the second time I can’t express! I am cursing myself daily!! I am not – in any way – telling you to stay of the market but don’t find yourself hooked up again quickly. Do not date right now because you fear the chances will be gone soon. Dating is so much easier these days and dating in 30s and 40s looks easier to me than back in 20s. And certainly do not date because you fear Christmas, loneliness or likewise. Dating won’t fill this hole!

I don't know if it counts but I feel like I have lived a lifetimes worth of not being in a relationship.

I understand! Someone (I believe it was LTH) told you that if you start dating you will likely end up in an R and that might be true. I get her opinion because that’s exactly what happened to me!
You still need to work on you and that demands you living single for some time.

T, I believe you do feel like this but that’s only looking back. You haven’t felt this way and lived it – again only IMHO! You have felt and acted married since BD as I have read your posts!
When you state someday: I AM A SINGLE GUY! At that point you start living it for real and from thereon you need time to do that - being single. Then start looking for a new R!

Once again: I am NOT telling you not to date but do take it slow and do not find yourself in new R to quickly!

Just my thoughts!
All the best!

F

My ability to get past OM1, OM2 or any of my W's past R's or anyone else's I might meet in the future is linked to my past or lack thereof. I have felt this way since I got my first girlfriend at 18. I have always been 'behind'.

OM2 to me isn't any different to me than OM1. Yes W wasn't upfront with me but my jealousy feeling towards any OM far far out ways anything else. To a point where it doesn't make sense to other people but to me it's massive!

The other day I was reading on here about EA's being worse than PA's. I understand why people see it that way but I cannot. If W came back to me and she had two EA's I would definitely get over it. PA's, I still don't know if I can fully can past the 1st one due to the way I see things.

I see me getting past these feelings are more important to my next R whoever it may be with than living as a single person and not dating. It may be seen to others that I'm skipping a stage but I feel this particular stage in life that I missed and keeps coming back to haunt me is one that needs addressing.

I feel like I am still DBing but none of it now is to get W back. I'm fast losing the ability to care about her anymore. I feel the rope has been dropped and dirt has been poured over it and a sign put up saying "No rope here".

My initial instincts when W left was to get back to dating as a way to get past the loneliness and to take my mind of it but I didn't. I have thought about it of and on over the last 12 months at different times. Even though I have stood by the M for last 14 months it hasn't stopped me from doing any thing other than dating.

I do believe it will be fun and it will fill my weekends. I have no plans of getting into an R. I know it's easier said than done but that currently is my plan.