"If I let him move out..." I'm not sure the moving out is your choice...If h. wants to move out, he'll do it. If you don't want him there, you may ask him to leave. I get the sense you'd rather he'd stay. So don't make it easy on him and open the door for him to walk through. " If you love him, let him go..." One can do this under the same roof! You can not cling, while he is still there! He has a job, yes? There are many hours in a day. When he comes home, don't be there periodically. Let him come home to either an empty house or dark house! You can take the kids with or even have a sitter! Start to do things that do NOT fit his perception of you. Learn to change a flat tire or work on your car, if you don't know this already! Mow the yard, do on of the chores he usually does. Don't discuss it , if he wants to, just say : I don't know, or thought I'd see if I could do it, yada yada yada.
Think of him as a petulant or teenage child. If HE brings it up, ( r, or moving out ) just listen without emoting. L I S T E N . You will get information. Validate his concerns or statements by NOT arguing . Some feedback may be : Hmmmm, huh, I see, anything else?, ah ha...I think you get where I'm going.
Don't ask him not to leave, but don't push him out either. Give him space, act as if and try a 180. EXERCISE, the endorphins will help your attitude, allow for you to release negative feelings...Having him there is still good for the kids, and you can model the behavior which is appropriate and healthy.
You are in panic mode right now...this is very tough. "As if" is fake it 'til you feel it. Take the high he gets from you being brought down into his misery away, by NOT reacting. You take control of yourself, don't give it to him! Let him do his own sheets, clothes. If he uses a separate bathroom he can clean that too! Do something that you've wanted to do, and get out of the house. Let him have his "space" to wallow in, and leave the kids with him to do some things as well. Even if you go to dinner and a movie, or to the library...it doesn't mean you want this, or that you have decided not to try. He isn't in a place right now to try. And really neither are you, you are in the " I'll do anything " phase of this. It is NOT a place to be, because you become ready to accept anything, it is not endearing, nor attractive. It does not bring him closer, it will just validate his feelings of ugh, I've got to get outta here or this just goes to show I'm right. You do not want to look pathetic! Pretend as if he IS your roomie, smile, be polite, don't offer to do anything or go anywhere. Let him start to calm down and feel that you aren't pushing. When that anger subsides, the friendship stage can or may begin.
MEANWHILE
Read, read , read, exercise, play with kids, read some more. If he is having an e.a. don't give him a THING to whine or complain about. Be unpredictable, shocking, gorgeous, friendly, anything but pathetic, angry, or nasty...If he starts to get nasty, you can set a boundary. It will earn his respect and keep your self esteem. I hope this helps, I'm rooting for ya! This weekend may have some yard sales...go get some dishes!
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
