Figuring out the old and new life

[ForeverYoung]

Thanks everyone, for your thoughts and comments.

Tori, as much as I can't wait to get my hands on a specially signed copy of your book, (and I do mean specially ) if our sitch is resolved before that happens I promise I'll be ok with waiting!

FC, everything in your post could have been written by me... well, except for the "she may have loved me for 2-3 years" thingy. At bomb drop my wife told me she knew on our honeymoon night(!) that she wasn't "In Love" with me. At least you got 2-3 years... work with it buddy!

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Everything is pretty steady over here, no one's going anywhere, no big changes, although I did have a tough couple of days a week ago, Thurs-Fri.

W has been working late to meet upcoming deadlines, and also going out straight after work with co-workers, GF, or my Lil sis more often than usual.

Then, Thursday night I discovered a couple of potentially disturbing things, that allowed my mind to worry about the worst. I came close to canceling my Saturday plans with buddy just so I could stay home and figure out how to fix everything!

Thankfully I didn't, and we had a good time at Veggie group pot luck/beach volleyball. I also did a bike ride on the lake front path and seen a lot of cool things. Best of all, when I got home 8 hours later, W and sitch were still there after all, exactly where I left 'em. Despite my fears, nothing had changed.

Lesson learned: DON'T FRET YOUR SITCH! It never helps. Instead, continue to live and enjoy your life. (which is what I've been doing)
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W's company of over 25 years will be "restructuring" in the next few weeks. Some employees will have to re-apply for their jobs. Some will lose them. The old W used to agonize greatly over stuff like this. The new W seems to be at peace with it all. From what she tells me, she actually sounds to be a source of calmness and strength among the others in her department.

This is nice to hear, especially since it wasn't too long ago that W told me she felt like her work was "The only thing that I got".

Rock On, y'all!

[ForeverYoung]

Thanks Rosa Linda. S I g H... Birthday is coming up and then the holidays. This is the worst year of my life. I'm tired so I'm weak and feelin' blue...

Hi ambivalent. The year we got bombed was the worst year of all of our life's. Know that it does get better/easier. You've only been in for 4 months? I was still pretty messed up myself at four months. Doing 100% better now though!

I hope the mods take you off moderation soon. Been there, done that... 3 times!

[uRworthy]

Ah, grasshopper, you learned well. Good on you. The only thing you can control is you. Everyone and everything else, well, not your job, man.

Glad to see you are rockin on, my friend.

[reachingHigher]

Then, Thursday night I discovered a couple of potentially disturbing things, that allowed my mind to worry about the worst. I came close to canceling my Saturday plans with buddy just so I could stay home and figure out how to fix everything!

Thankfully I didn't, and we had a good time at Veggie group pot luck/beach volleyball. I also did a bike ride on the lake front path and seen a lot of cool things. Best of all, when I got home 8 hours later, W and sitch were still there after all, exactly where I left 'em. Despite my fears, nothing had changed.

Lesson learned: DON'T FRET YOUR SITCH! It never helps. Instead, continue to live and enjoy your life. (which is what I've been doing)

This is so strong, FY! It shows the quality of internal work you have been doing. If the sitch goes too fast, it's a real disadvantage!

I think there is no end to the discovering of potentially disturbing things. Sometimes I'm not as good at letting them go so quickly now! And H ALWAYS notices b/c he actually cares about me now!

You are doing some fine work. And glad to hear W is calmer internally with these work changes. She knows she has a rock solid cheering section at home!

Keep going!

[Notlikingthis]

Just here catchin' up with your progress. All seems to be well and you seem to be under control! Well, as under control as FY can be. Your posts are not only thoughtful but humorous.

I see a man that his w will never leave and it makes me smile, knowing that it's just a matter of time before you will be moving over to "Piecing" with rh. Hoping that neither of you will forget us over here.

[ForeverYoung]

I see a man that his w will never leave and it makes me smile, knowing that it's just a matter of time before you will be moving over to "Piecing" with rh.

That's nice that you said that NLT, but I honestly don't know if I'll still be there when W finally does decide to re-commit.

I’m getting pretty tired of this roommate arrangement. Ws been going out with GF, co-workers or my Lil Sis, almost every day lately. Seems happy, not showing signs of depression. Maybe it’s all just a temporary diversion.

Maybe she does have an OM, or wants one, IDK.

She comes home from work and does her share of the chores, sometimes tells me about her times out. Plays on FB all night, sometimes while smirking. Almost never asks about me, or what I’m doing. Seems to encourage me to go out more. (alleviate her guilt? Wants me to find a new partner?) I do what I want. Sometimes go out, sometimes stay home and do stuff I enjoy. I’m quite happy with my choices.

She plans activities with friends, not with me. I plan mine without her. Why are we married again?

I wanna tell her to move out and find that new life she’s so sure she missed out on. Get it all out of your system, already.

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Her Dad has been begging us all year to join him at his out of state property some weekend. This weekend there’s a tractor show up there that he’d like us (or even just me) to attend with him. I would enjoy this, and was planning to join him on my own. Now W wants in too. It’s a 3 ½ hour ride each way, and we would spend one night there. I imagine there will be uncomfortable periods together.

I want to tell her what time it is, and that I don’t intend to stay on the roommate plan much longer. I have a W I can hardly touch, who only looks forward to her time out with friends. It's quite disrespectful... and very odd considering what a fun and sexy guy I am! If she could give me some sign that there’s a chance of her having a change of heart about us, I could better deal with the continued limbo/standing.

So, since we likely will be doing this trip together, how do I approach it? How do I constructively inform her my patience is running thin? Keep in mind that I often feel like going off on her!

Thanks, all.

[TSquared2]

Hi FY,

Cadet said that your W seems to be a "low energy" mlc'er, which means it may take longer for her to reach that "bottom"...my W had the all night chatting, massive sleep disturbances (this for a person who needed 9 hours/sleep/day!), the anger spew stage, etc. Eventually she put so much energy and lack of sleep into her process that she physically, emotionally and mentally wore herself out, broke down enough for some clarity to sneak in. And it still takes a long time after exhaustion is reached. A long time.

I do think all the extra going out and such is indeed diversion from looking within. Per my W, it is just too painful to go "there" there. It is her form of quiet "running", imo. E.g., when the boys and I went on vacation, she volunteered like crazy and her (now) paying job, and she said she had to keep busy and not be alone, or think about being alone. It is an improvement over her previous choices of coping ...

Per your previous posts, I think she knows, FY...she knows. And she is probably scared that you will give up (though she will NEVER admit it). Thing is, if you push too hard, give the ultimatum of presenting D papers, etc... she may just say "he's done, why try?" (very sage advice given to me btw when I was highly frustrated).

Because you do often feel like going off on her, that right there is a "tell" that you are not "done" done...I do know this from personal experience...aside from reading it here, there, everywhere...

Something to consider, is there a way you can really detach more? Can you really get down deep and mentally start "moving on" without physically doing so, because time is on your side, right? No hurries? I bet she can still "feel" your "waiting" attachment.

I get where you are at...I just want this thing jumping to the next quantum level... have her say to me:

-I want to stay married to you
-I see the possibility of a new and good to great R with you
-I am sorry for what you went through
-Now let's make like rabbits!

Doesn't seem too hard from this side, does it? Let's just get moving forward, babe!

But they aren't quite there yet.

The only advice I can offer for the trip is to dial back on the "all is normal and great" which "covers" for her with Dad. But I would wait for a vet to chime in, because I haven't been in that sitch with W.

you're awesome FY, and know that should things not work out, you will be alone only as long as you choose, because there are lots of D woman available who were married to douchey men, you'd be a dream come true...some of the convos I have had just with clients and people out and about have been amazing me....

Hang in there!!


T^2

[Raine]

FY, I think if you can do this without reaching that point of filing for D, you are much further ahead of the game when building a R back. I don't think there is any truer demonstration of unconditional love.

T2 is right. You need to further detach. You can let her know what life is like without you, without getting that far. Don't always be there when she gets home. You go out and have fun. Go and see a movie or whatever. Just don't always be there when she wants to talk to you. Don't do this in a mean or spiteful way. You're just busy living life to the fullest. You can give her that feeling without words. You don't have to tell her your patience is running thin. Start making life without her. When she is on FB, just say you're going for a drive sometimes and take off. Start building some interests that are just yours and don't include her. Take a cooking class. (A guy that cooks is super hot.) Be happy and awesome when you're around her. Be in love with life. You'll stop watching the sitch pot and she'll start getting curious about you.

You've come to far to let patience run out now. Cause living like roommates [censored]. Would living alone be better? Don't push that button until that is exactly what you want.

[ForeverYoung]

Thanks so much T2. As usual, your points make a lot of sense.

Hi FY,

Cadet said that your W seems to be a "low energy" mlc'er, which means it may take longer for her to reach that "bottom"...

A few vets have told me that some don't need to "Crash and Burn" to make the turnaround.

Per your previous posts, I think she knows, FY...she knows. And she is probably scared that you will give up (though she will NEVER admit it).

She loves the song "I will wait for you" and turns it up and sings to it when it comes on the radio. (WTF?) Next time, would it be bad if I asked her what the song meant to her? Probably.

Thing is, if you push too hard, give the ultimatum of presenting D papers, etc... she may just say "he's done, why try?" (very sage advice given to me btw when I was highly frustrated).

I'm not considering presenting D papers, just poke the bear a little and try to get in her head. ...Keep in mind that I'm convinced there's not much I could do that would send her packing. She likes it here with things as they are. I don't.

Something to consider, is there a way you can really detach more? Can you really get down deep and mentally start "moving on" without physically doing so, because time is on your side, right? No hurries? I bet she can still "feel" your "waiting" attachment.

Sure, but then I get back to the "Tell me why are we M, again?" thing. Even so, it seems this is what I'll have to do.

I get where you are at...I just want this thing jumping to the next quantum level... have her say to me:

-I want to stay married to you
-I see the possibility of a new and good to great R with you
-I am sorry for what you went through
-Now let's make like rabbits!

Doesn't seem too hard from this side, does it? Let's just get moving forward, babe!

Thanks for the clear outline. Now I have something to present to W while we are in the car!

you're awesome FY, and know that should things not work out, you will be alone only as long as you choose,
T^2

Hey, is that a proposition? Because you know, you're pretty awesome yourself, man...

[TSquared2]

FY,

What I meant by "moving on" mentally is this:

when W gave me the BD#3 at end of April, and the subsequent talks including our anniversary, I really, really changed. I was then completely, completely okay with D. I was done with the crazy, the "user" ideas she had, etc.

That's when I removed my carefully applied "blinders" I chose to wear through the vast majority of this. I started noticing other women, pondering possibilities, using my mental theater to imagine what dating them might be like, etc. That took over the space in my mind that was dedicated to hoping, imagining reconciliation. I also starting talking to just about everyone, men and women, testing to see how this "old+new T^2" played on Broadway. That was a big thing for me as I am kind of an introvert, nice, but reserved.

But I got to the point where, as my former Marine (if there is such a thing) friend's terse reality check and goal reaching "affirmation" was blaring loudly...

"You're going to get there. Why? BFT! (Because F--- That!)"

But I guess that I fully accepted at that time that this is where my life was going, and of course I wanted a map of the terrain, some test runs, see how the new personality gear actually worked in real life. Just the engineer/scientist in me, and a lot of .mil and backpacking/survival training...

W seemed to notice, and/or "feel" it. We did have such a strong connection pre-mlc that she HAD to feel the moving away, just like we "feel" that there is something wrong with them just prior to BD, we "feel" the OP presence, etc.

So I re-directed, in a big, big way, my mental energy away from W, the sitch, the R, etc. Without physically "moving on" in any way.

Hope that explains things better, and of course, as always, your mileage may vary, don't try this at home without adult supervision, etc...