One giant leap forward! - Part 5

[lovethehub]

To answer your question, look at the first paragraph I quoted from your last thread. By definition, you are letting HER determine your actions. Just be the man you want to be. Her behavior shouldn't affect that at all.

This reminds me of a conversation I recently had with my D. She is fighting with a friend and they got other people involved and were ganging up on each other and texting terrible things back and forth. I said to her "You need to decide if this is the kind of person that you want to be. I am sure it isn't, so you have to decide that you will not be that person. Every time a situation like this comes up in life, you need to make that decision again" I explained to her that I didn't mean to make a choice each time and be a different person in each situation, I mean decide you aren't going to be that person and when faced with a difficult decision, decide AGAIN you aren't going to be that person and act accordingly.

I don't plan on having them every weekend. When I have them every weekend my life tends to go nowhere. I work all week and have the kids at the weekend then I work all week again.
I wish this wasn't the case. Maybe in time I will find it isn't but right now I need some freedom to be me.
Other than a verbal agreement with W this would cost money to set up that I don't have right now.

It's okay to have time without them, it will make you a better F if you have some time to relax, recharge and have fun. Let a little time pass and then get something, IN WRITING (use email), about your agreement. I would be sure to include that she does half of the driving.

Dating isn't really approved here in DB. What are others thoughts on this?

Please don't date yet. I know it is tempting, esp after all you have been through but you really need to be healthy before you take this step. Even if you tell yourself you aren't looking for an R, you know how those things happen. What do you want for future R's? If you don't take this time to get yourself to where you want to be and heal from this experience it will hurt you in the future. When I met H, I was looking for a "Tuesday night", someone to go out with once a week, have fun, don't talk in between, don't call for no reason, etc. 6 months later we were living together...and look what we went through. I didn't do any work on myself between any R, ever. I never stopped to think about why they didn't work and what I needed to change. You must do this.

I'm looking to take the house off the market.
The only reason for selling the house would be to move to where W lives, D or expense.
I want to remortgage so I can be comfortable financially, get out of of debt even if just a little bit so I can buy the kids clothes and furniture. Do things with them. The last few weekends I have spent money I didn't really have to spend so we could do things and what a difference it makes.

T, if you sold, is there a place in between where you and w live that you could move? You do so much driving and it eats up a lot of time in your life. If not, is it possible to look for another job (unless you love yours) to go somewhere closer? Just wondering.

Also, before wrapping debt into your mortgage (been there, done that, bad idea), check out a book called Financial Peace, be sure to google the author and learn about him. Get financially healthy, too!

I think if I had played it differently in early August we would together but not in a healed way. She isn't/wasn't ready that's very obvious now. I was too eager or blind to see it.

You can second guess yourself to death here. Like you said, you definitely wouldn't have a good R and, honestly, I don't think things would have been much different. She is not ready, is in a very selfish stage (or maybe she is always this selfish) and she knows exactly what to say and do to get you to come back. She sounds extremely manipulative.

As for bipolar, don't be surprised if she gets the diagnosis because it is handed out freely, although from all you have said I would be shocked if she truly is.

GAL, I know you have said it is hard in your area. It doesn't have to be in a real social place, or with a whole bunch of people. That's fun, great if you can do it (at least sometimes) but it doesn't sound like that is going on where you live. Can you start hiking? Biking? Maybe find one or two people who want to do it with you? Find bands to go listen to in bars not too far away? Maybe a golf league in the spring? A baseball team?

Great job on the climbing structure dad..you are right T, you are going to be fine.