Help! I'm so hopeless and devastated...

[RosaLinda]

Hi Peace! I read your question on DMR's thread and dropped by here to respond to it. 

Peace "My husband wants only be friend to me. I feel that he uses friendship as an excuse to avoid letting me know anything about him. He claimed he needs more space and privacy. Though I suspect he may have an emotional affair with OW since he was busy chatting online all the time and tried to hide. But I really don't know how to deal with it. I asked him before, he said that's not your business. And I feel I push him away further..."

My H gave me the "I love you but..." bomb back in Jan 2010, and has had a couple of online emotional affairs with women in foreign countries, and one physical affair when his current EA OW flew to New York for two weeks this past March to try to solidify her place in his life. We have lived in the same house for the entire 4 years, but he moved into our S27's old bedroom in 2011. So our sitches are sort of similar. 

Having a MLCer in the house is HARD! I'm sure having them walk away is just as hard in a different way. I want to share what my DB coach Chuck advised for me as a LBS who hasn't been left, in the hopes it will help you too Peace.

Chuck advised to give my H lots of time and space alone. He said the MLCer needs to think. He said NOT to approach him, but when he approaches me, to be friendly and attentive. He calls it being "Lovely Wife." He said to listen more than talk, and to validate H's statements. When he says something I don't like to say "I'm sorry you feel like that" and drop it. When he is nasty to say "that (NOT "YOU") makes me feel xxx (sad, unloved, ugly, etc) and drop it. If it is too hurtful and you feel you need to say something else, don't, just walk away. 

Also, Chuck said that a MLCer is going to do what he wants without regard to you or your kids. He advised that any boundaries set must be for your protection, boundaries are not meant to punish or control the MLCer. For example, I wanted to demand that H not talk to his OW on skype in our house. Chuck made me see that would not be a good boundary, as I have no way to enforce it and the idea was to punish my H not protect myself. So I changed it to he can only skype in his bedroom. And he does, and it helps me to not have to see and hear them.

Also, my H is leaving to go visit his OW in Moscow for a month, he's leaving next Wed  But Chuck said this is NOT the time to give him an ultimatum, unless I am prepared for him to never return. And I'm not ready for that. My good friend uRworthy on here has advised me to let him go with love. Meaning that the MLCer has to travel this journey alone, we should not try to impede their progress by forcing them to do anything.

Chuck said to GAL, to be happy, to change the things about myself that need to be changed. And if I am consistent, since we are here in the house together, that my H would eventually notice. I have made changes and stuck to them, some for almost 4 years. My H mentioned a few but said he did not believe they are permanent yet sigh.... 

Good luck to you Peace. I know how raw you feel now. The pain won't go completely away but will become more tolerable. I haven't always been too successful at following Chuck's guidelines, especially not approaching my H. He acts "normal" most of the tine and I forget and try to initiate conversations or get his attention. I hope this helps you a little bit!