Stand strong because right now she will make you feel like cr@p.
I had to call into work today as I feel into a deep depression today. I slept in my daughter's bed last night by myself (daughter slept with wife) when my wife came into the room at around 4 am. She told me that she was getting closer to me and that she was ready to start giving me a chance but that I blew it by invading her privacy. I should have validated but instead I tried to defend. She told me that she thought I had changed but I am the same person who throws things in her face.
My wife was just a kid when she saw her father kill her mom in front of. Growing up she was mentally abused by her uncle and various family members. This morning she told me that she was paranoid that someone was going to kill her (she was literally in tears) and that when I invaded her privacy by looking at text messages, snooping, etc that she felt violated. She then told me that she and OM tell each other they love each other because she is so screwed up that she needs to hear someone tell her that so she doesn't commit suicide. She told me that she goes to work crying and that OM is just a friend that is helping her get through. I didn't do a good job validating and she got upset at me.
She text me several hours later asking if I wanted to go to lunch with her. I did but I wish I didn't. She acted like she didn't want to be there and I brought up the topic of the relationship (I know, bad DBing on my part). I need to come ready to talk about something pleasant, etc. Needless to say, I don't think she will be inviting me out to lunch anytime soon.
At home she was distant, cold and I could tell she didn't want to be in the same room as me.
I spent most of today crying, throwing up and so depressed that I couldn't really move much, just laying on the bed. I feel like I am going crazy. I know what I heard and read. How can my wife tell me that telling OM she loves him and misses him, wants to be with him, etc is just her way of coping with her issues. How can she not see that wanting to sneak out or planning road trips with OM is not appropriate. Am I wrong here? I feel like I am losing it. She made me feel so bad this morning and made it seem like I was the one who was crazy.
I understand her feeling violated about my snooping. I get that. How can she not get that what she and OM tell each other is detrimental to the marriage and is just as hurtful as me snooping. She told me doing lunch that she is not even close to wanting to go on dates with me and is so disgusted with me that she has lost all trust (make to square one).
I felt so low this morning and still do. I just want to quit school and just go to therapy all day. Unfortunately I got a full scholarship and if I quit I pretty much forfeit it - Arrrh. I honestly began to question whether I was going nuts. Maybe she is not having an emotional affair is one of the thoughts I kept thinking. But then how can she and OM tell each other those things if she wasn't and act like its okay.
I don't know if I can be in this in the long haul. I feel like 4 months of DBing just went down the drain and now it will take at least 8 months just to get back to where I was last week. I can't keep living like this. This emotional distress is going to get me fired or send me to a psych unit or something. I know I am stronger than this. This is my crucible. You reap what you sow - so this is my just punishment I guess.
