SM34's Post

[MrBond]

Here's your own post SM34. You can use this as your forum.

Here was your latest post to add to.

Yes if you simply will not even try to make your spouse happy then you obviously dont care much.

I have seen people on here who refused to go to therapy with their spouse and blamed all the problems on theirwas. Thats different.

What I was referring to are the situations where the soon to be lbs was trying to make things right. Or showing love in a million ways, just not in the love language of the soon to be was. The was can obviously see their lbs loves them, and works hard for the family, loves the kids, devotes all their free time to their spouse, etc.. Just is missing something...like TELLING their spouse she ia beautiful every day.

So basically someone who is excellent in all ways but one, and there us no question they love their was with all their heart. But the was feels they NEED to be told how beautuful they are. They NEED their 'needs' met at any cost. learning to see the other gestures the spouse uses to shiw love would be considered settling. It is those that I am talking about.

This society is very individualistic, selfish and self cebtered. The pursuit of happiness trumps ALL other purposes in life.

In other cultures the impirtance is on the group or the tribe. Your happines does not go above all others and at the expense of all others. So you are taught to see the bigger picture. You are taught to see when someone means well and even if they miss the mark, they were trying and that's what matters.

You can see this self centeredness of American culture in many every day little things. For example in the language. In English we tell our children that this is 'my ball' or this is 'my food'. We might tell a child to leave that toy alone because it is 'not YOUR toy'. There is great emphasis in what BELONGS to YOU. The word 'I' is greatly overused and bears too much weight in individualistic societies.

In my home culture, the word 'we' or 'our' is used in place.of 'I',or my'. The emphasis is on the fact that the person is not an individual,.but an extension of their extended family or tribe or group. So we say to a child 'leave that toy, it is theirs not ours'. We say 'that is our food' not that is,'my food'.

The sense of 'I' is so detested that their is a saying that goes with it and that saying is said to anyone who utters the word I. Loosely translated, the sane is that I is a form if blasphemy. Another loose translation is,'God forgive you for using the word I'.

There is also another angle to this. In this culture if you have an affair and cheat on your spouse, it brings shame on you only (if that even. Sometimes I wonder if anyone is even ashamed of it). In other cultures, because you are an extension of your family, it brings shame on your entire family! Hence the honor killings etc.. You are not an individual, free to do what you please at the expense of others. That is why divorce is much lower. More importantly, we raise kids that are emotionally stable and have no baggage...

The amount if baggage that is carried around by the average American person us frightening. Their dad was an,alcoholic who beat their.mom, they were sexually abused as children, broken homes, neglected by their parents or raised by their geand parents, witnessed parents who cheated on each other. All if this stems from the self centered mission to pursue happiness. If your happiness is at the expense of others, how can you sleep at night? Easily when you have been raised to put your needs ahead.of everyone else, just like your parents did.


The funnt thing is people look at previous generations and their old school marriages that lasted a life time and then dont see how those people didnt put their own needs at top priority. They were.able to have a life long committed marriage by always seeing it from,the others perspective. And not forgetting that although your spouse is not perfect, they love you and have made a commitment. They are not cheating in you, they are loyal and faith full,.and that is ENOUGH to build a good life together.

My wife holds her grandma and grandpas marriage high,.way way high. And she thinks its a fairytale. They are,married to their 'soul mates' (fag me!). We on the other hand, made a big mistake in getting married. the kids of this fairytale marriage, 9 of them, have 7 divorcees and only 2 successful (so far) marriages. All 7 of those were mistakes? Then in our generation, her family has 3 grandkids who are married (my wife is one) and 2 out of the three are separated heading for divorce. Mistake? All of us failed to marry our soul mates? All of us are not getting our needs met and it must be a bad spouse sekection?

I would say it is the loss of the sense of community. Everyone is only concerned with their own happiness.